|06-18-2004, 03:09 PM||#2|
Key Lime Pie rocks!!!
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Oh, yeah!
The Reviewer wrote:
What do I think about Kind Of Blue by Miles Davis, Coltrane, Adderly and Evans? I don't think you are going to like this...
The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of So What. Oh my god. I've clearly missed the whole point of this album - until you listen to Freddie Freeloader you've no idea that the sound of a troupe of clowns honking away in their clown car going around and around the circus ring with no hope of ever stopping is what Miles Davis was trying to create all along. All Blues sounds like my guitar gently weeping (pus that is).
In fact, there appears to be no reason why the world would miss Miles Davis, Coltrane, Adderly and Evans.
I've never met him and I hate this guy...maybe that's the point.
|07-01-2004, 03:28 PM||#3|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Speck in the universe, Kansas
What the reviewer wrote about the Who:
What do I think about The Who's The Who: The Ultimate Collection? I don't think you are going to like this...
Track 2, Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere is beyond belief. It sounds like a Kerrang! cover CD that actually caused a drop in sales. My Generation sounds more like a pre-teen violinist playing scales over and over in some desperate attempt to make music, tears running down their chubby cheeks with every screech than it really should. A Legal Matter really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends.
Track six, Substitute sounds like the Barron Nights' back catalogue played backwards through a guinea pig's rectum from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. Boris The Spider sounds like nails being slowly drawn down a blackboard by the Marquis De Sade. The sound of a cheap keyboard being played by a God-fearing christian fund raiser outside Tesco's is nothing compared to the dire Happy Jack.
In fact, I feel violated from just having to discuss this stuff with you.
(I personally like the bit about "Boris the Spider")
Sometimes, when you put a shell to your ear...you can hear the wind whistling through the empty space between your ears...
|07-05-2004, 10:57 PM||#4|
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: under your desk
What do I think about Boom Box by No Doubt? I'll tell you what I think...
Ouch. Sunday Morning will not only remove the enamel from your teeth, but charge you for its professional dental services afterwards. New is so so. So, so, so ****ing awful, that is. We should ban things like track 10, Running from ever being played on public radio. Oh? We have? Well, I'm starting a campaign to ban it from being played in private too.
Spiderwebs? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like a troupe of clowns honking away in their clown car going around and around the circus ring with no hope of ever stopping. You've probably guessed that I don't like No Doubt very much. It's due to being assaulted by things like the dull splash of a TB patient coughing up his lungs onto the floor, or Simple Kind of Life as it is known on the back of CD. Seventeen people died whilst Don't Speak was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a sharp nail being driven into your ear, but less fun.
In fact, I'm scared No Doubt will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.
"We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"
|07-23-2004, 10:05 PM||#5|
You like James Booker? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of New Orleans Piano Wizard: Live!...
__The opening track, On the Sunny Side of the Street? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like the stuff that the BBC Radiophonic Workshop rejected. I had to abandon listening to track 5, Something Stupid after my nose and ears began to bleed. People have accused my reviews of being generated by a computer. Well, of course they are. You think anyone in their right mind would listen to James Booker all day? I'm all digital baby.
__In fact, there appears to be no reason why the world would miss James Booker.
You like Bill Evans? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Everybody Digs Bill Evans ...
__The opening track, Minority really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends. Oh my god. I've clearly missed the whole point of this album - until you listen to track 4, Night and Day you've no idea that the sound of the crap usually hosted on geocities by colour blind web idiots is what Bill Evans was trying to create all along. Why I bothered with the rest of Tenderly after listening to the first six seconds of a pre-teen violinist playing scales over and over in some desperate attempt to make music, tears running down their chubby cheeks with every screech I don't know.
__What Is There to Say? went down well with my neighbour's dogs. They howled for hours, handily drowning out most of the track, and prompting me to start searching for a dog of my own. Like the theme to Friends, track ten, the 'Solo' of Epilogue fails to engage me at all. It left me cold, shaking and gently drooling on the floor. Thank god the office cleaner found me in time.
__In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.
They Might Be Giants' Apollo 18, an object lesson in filth...
__Dig My Grave reminds me of that buzzing, ringing sound you get if you stick your fingers in a wall socket. I wish it wouldn't. I Palindrome I sounds like the gentle 70s synthesiser pap used to make porn more interesting played backwards through a crow's rectum from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. How many times does They Might Be Giants need to tell us all about their miserable ****ing life? My Evil Twin just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there.
__Track 6, Statue Got Me High isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of crushed babies. It is difficult to stop yourself from throwing a brick at your CD player when tosh like Spider comes out of it on a regular basis. Track 8, Guitar is about as hip as my grandmother's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you.
__In fact, this should've been put down years ago.
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