07-03-2006, 08:56 AM
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#1 |
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Shaggy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: the burg of florida
Posts: 501
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Tell Me What You Think Of My Poem...
Perhaps?
Goodbye said the lonely boy to his only love They never spoke again Twice He'd made that decision Only to fail once He realized she used Him She used Him for comfort He realized it would never be Again He became a Suicidal Catastrophe The Death was setting in Riggo Mortis would soon overcome He said to not worry He would make it through Such a blind lie Yet no one caught the clue His arms became scarred That they knew But It'd happen before So why worry He'd make it through No one hung on to Him like glue So one night He'd had enough He took one last breath And fell Eternal Tragedy And Hell Befell Him And now she realizes she needed Him And had made a mistake So she quickly followed With no double take Now They'd be united Eternal Happiness Confided
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Varsity Football Player, It's hard work, but it's worth it on Friday Nights. Can't wait till next season. =D |
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07-03-2006, 09:14 AM
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#2 |
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Key Lime Pie rocks!!!
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Oh, yeah!
Posts: 7,695
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Very sad.
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Time is essential because without it everything would happen all at once. |
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07-03-2006, 09:15 AM
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#3 |
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Shaggy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: the burg of florida
Posts: 501
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i knew it was sad, but is it any good?
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Varsity Football Player, It's hard work, but it's worth it on Friday Nights. Can't wait till next season. =D |
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07-03-2006, 11:43 AM
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#4 |
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meretricious dilettante
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 11,068
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From a literary point of view, the last twelve lines are the best. Breaks in the preceding lines are not as natural and the effect on reading is somewhat choppy. And the term is rigor mortis; Riggo is the guy who sells cigarettes to underaged kids at the newsstand.
But it's really hard to read sheerly as a critic. The writer is likeable and the reader wants to communicate that the condition written about is temporary, and to reassure the writer that love lies in the future for gifted moral young men, plenty of it and with avocados and salsa. And when in doubt, the writer is urged to review this list of Brynn's and carry it around everywhere (attached). It's one of the better works I've read on the subject, though nothing can compare to sparticle's "Wait Two Weeks" sung to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It..." (which, dammit, I have searched for several times to save to my archives but can't find. One day. ONE DAY!!) 
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Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard |
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07-03-2006, 12:00 PM
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#5 |
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left hanging
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Posts: 10,071
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Wasn't Riggo Mortis that guy from the Lord of the Rings?
http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/show...4&postcount=12 |
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07-03-2006, 12:02 PM
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#6 |
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meretricious dilettante
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 11,068
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Where were you when I wanted to play Psychobabble? ^^^
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Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard |
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07-03-2006, 12:07 PM
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#7 |
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left hanging
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Posts: 10,071
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I have no idea.
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07-03-2006, 12:09 PM
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#8 |
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meretricious dilettante
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 11,068
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Race you there, Smartnose!
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Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard |
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07-03-2006, 12:13 PM
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#9 |
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left hanging
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Posts: 10,071
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1.13am and it's a schoolnight.
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07-03-2006, 12:15 PM
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#10 |
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meretricious dilettante
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 11,068
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Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard |
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07-03-2006, 12:56 PM
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#11 | |
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Cheeses Save
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Floating
Posts: 9,204
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As a poem, I think it sucks, but only because it reminded me of some real bad muadlin (ahem) prose I had writ..perpetrated myself on similar subjects long long ago...(err...actually not long ago enough).
However, I think it is Wonderful that you are expressing yourself about it in (ahem) prose. I personaly found that I survived those impulses, in part, by writing about it...badly...and then I had the pleasure of cathartically ripping it all up years later when I outgrew those impulses, after reading it all again and feeling realllly glad that I never shared it with anyone...ah, hey, not that you shouldn't...share away...emote, emote, emote. Whatever helps you to feel better. Art doesn't have to be for the masses you know. If you feel better expressing youself through this medium...then Cheers mate, and cheer up.   p.s. Quote:
In Real Life that would read: "And now she realized he was spineless And had not made a mistake" |
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07-03-2006, 01:28 PM
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#12 |
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new.round.hear?
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ballmer
Posts: 12
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the poem is just fine.
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"discernibly turgid." |
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07-03-2006, 02:28 PM
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#13 | |
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Key Lime Pie rocks!!!
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Oh, yeah!
Posts: 7,695
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Quote:
Jedi, there's tons of people on this forum who would love to let you vent when you need to vent. PM any of us.
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Time is essential because without it everything would happen all at once. |
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07-03-2006, 03:27 PM
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#14 |
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King of the patnýs
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: was that dog
Posts: 9,411
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I hope writing a poem helped.
Personally, I would find a prostitute to help you work out your kinks. |
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07-03-2006, 04:07 PM
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#15 |
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new.round.hear?
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ballmer
Posts: 12
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Or maybe just some porn?
Good ole porn.
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"discernibly turgid." |
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