|06-22-2004, 07:51 PM||#1|
WhY sO SiRiUs?
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Ta uoy erehw
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
14. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
"If there is a bedrock principle of the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable."
-- Justice William J. Brennan
(1906-1997) U. S. Supreme Court Justice
Source: Texas vs. Johnson, 1989
Illegitimi non carborundum...
Whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger. - Heath Ledger
|06-22-2004, 10:39 PM||#4|
Join Date: Nov 2002
a neutron walks into a bar, has a few drinks and asks the bartender what he owes. the bartender looks at him and says "for you, no charge.".
|06-22-2004, 10:48 PM||#5|
Join Date: Dec 2002
"Genesis: First, I'd like to say reality is invisible to the naked eye. You and me both know that life is a real bitch. Doing your best, you say? That's not good enough."
|06-23-2004, 02:31 AM||#8|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Is the bar tender here? AUUGH!! Time to get out the Callahan's books...
Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard
|06-23-2004, 11:57 AM||#9|
Join Date: Sep 2002
eh! i can't find the jokes thread so i'm throwin this in here.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.
When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.
" My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?
" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fvckin' sheet rock...
|06-23-2004, 10:17 PM||#10|
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: between the click of the light and the start of the dream
Then there was the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who lay awake at nights wondering whether there really was a dog.
|06-24-2004, 12:51 AM||#11|
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: My tent
Ghandi had such an odd diet. He had terrible breath and was very frail. He wore no shoes and walked long distances which built thick calluses on his feet. The man himself though was such a pious man he seemed almost other-worldly.
In essence he was a
Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Hallitosis.
Monkey on the Halfshell
|06-24-2004, 05:39 AM||#13|
Spone to Proonerisms
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: The Left Coast
Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster
Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster lived in the ocean.
When they died, Ollie went to heaven. But sinful Sam went to hell.
Ollie missed his friend. He asked St. Peter for a weekend pass to visit Sam.
"OK," St. Peter said, "but to be safe, you have to take your wings, robe and harp. Do not
forget to bring them back."
Ollie agreed, and away he went. He spent the weekend partying in a nightclub that Sam had opened.
On Sunday night, he returned to the pearly gates.
St. Peter was there. "I see you have your wings and robe, but where's the harp?" St. Peter asked.
Mortified, Sam sang, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
vaguely remembered from grade school, then shamelessly googled and copied from http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_apr2004/Sam_Clam.htm
...and another handful of almonds
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