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Old 04-11-2006, 02:09 PM   #1981
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Over the weekend, my friend and I hosted our monthly Dessert Club meeting, and I decided to make chocolate-chunk banana bread. While I was making the batter, my husband wandered through the kitchen and said, "GROSS!! It looks like you barfed in a bowl, and now you're gonna bake it!" A little later on when my friend arrived with her sinfully rich chocolate cherry cake with fudge icing, she giggled as she removed the foil cover. When I asked why she was laughing, she said that her husband wandered through the kitchen while she was icing the cake and said, "Ew. That looks like turd casserole!" Then I told her what my husband said, and we had a good laugh....we're married to a couple of morons!
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Old 04-11-2006, 03:41 PM   #1982
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Quote:
Originally Posted by micjiggles
goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)

my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know).

after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair.

and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly.

after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair.


I laughed for 2 hours straight...

P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it

Oh dear. I guess you wouldn't have to be a native German-speaker to make that mistake - I didn't see what was wrong until the explanation...

Good night, Gracie.
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Old 04-11-2006, 05:22 PM   #1983
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from "Inside Relational Databases" by Mark Whitehorn and Bill Marklyn

"So far I have skated delicately around the definition of a relational database. It is really tempting to believe that the use of multiple tables marks the transition to a relational database. Indeed, I have read several times that a 'relational' database is so called because it allows you to 'relate' information held in different tables. How can I put this politely? This information is not correct. It is wrong. It is horribly wrong. Anyone who tells you this is incorrect. Regard anything that they tell you in the future with the deepest suspicion. If they try to sell you anything, say nothing, smile sweetly and walk carefully away."

eta: Reminds me of John Cleese in the "dead parrot" sketch...
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Last edited by lapietra : 04-11-2006 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 04-11-2006, 06:56 PM   #1984
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That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.
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Old 04-11-2006, 07:02 PM   #1985
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DO NOT CLICK HERE unless you have lots of time to piss away.

(And you're in a place where your laughter won't embarrass the hell out of you.)
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Old 04-11-2006, 07:39 PM   #1986
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambo
That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.
I know, huh? (It's an introduction to a chapter about Codd's rules... so he has to be very specific. )
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Old 04-11-2006, 08:25 PM   #1987
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Thanks Smarty. That was fun !
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Old 04-11-2006, 09:52 PM   #1988
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^^ From that same Web site:
Quote:
The following is an actual exchange between
James R. of the sketch comedy group Kasper Hauser
("Jock Plenary") and a Nigerian e-mail scammer
("Justice Shaish")

Mr. Justice Shaish,

I have read the terrible things that have
happened with your financial situation in Nigeria, and
I would like to help--IF YOU CAN GUARANTEE that i
would make some money to cover my costs. I am retired
from the railroad business for 37 years, and I know a
scam when I see one; I also have been able to save a
large amount of money over the last 40 years. I must
admit, I'm a little nervous doing business over the
internet. I could also travel if need be to a neutral
location or to Nigeria, if needed. What would be the
next step in helping you guys out?

Sincerely,
Jock Plenary, CEO
San Fertando Valley Agricultural Bank
California 98-0982

---------------------------------------------------
Attn: Jock Plenary,

I acknowlede the receipt of your mail and i am very
happy that you are willing to help me in this
transaction.

All that is needed from you is your trust and you have
to treat this deal very confidential. You have to send
to us your mailing address and your telephone and fax
number with your banking datas so that the accredited
attorney attached with contract payment will use it to
obtain all the valid documents that will back you up
as the true owner of the fund.

Be aware that as soon as these is done you will
receive the money through the paying bank incharge of
contract payment.

Please send it now so that we can start the
transaction without further delays.

Best Regards,

Mr Justice Shaish ( N.N.P.C )

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,

My fax number is 415.268.0709, and my phone number
is a Bimmelman's Business transaction decoder (type
II) are you guys ok with GSM/GPRS lines? If not, I'll
need to give you a dolphin decoder. But I'll need
some sort of rotary code from you, either way. For now
just send it on Ahonotu 0409 Mark I (Miami) and just
tell the operator it's a "double-glazer".
Another question is more important; I don't want
to arouse suspicion, but I have two separate banks,
and I'm not sure which would be best. One is my
savings and one is my primary checking.
My bank names are:

Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 94112

The second is:
Stanford Community Mancestor GISM
134 University Ave
Stanford, CA 94156-0892

I can use either...just let me know (there may be a
Welsertian Block on the Land Bank account...their
minimum balance just got raised...)

Write me back ASAP,

Your friend in trust,
Jock Plenary, DVM

---------------------------------------------------
ATTN: JOCK PLENARY,

SIR,

I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU THE
BEST WAY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.

YOU CAN SEND YOUR DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER OR G.S.M
NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU. WHEN I SPEAK WITH YOU
I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE NUMBER FOR SECURITY REASON,
THE DOCUMENTS WILL BE SENT TO THE AHONOTU MAIMI
ADDRESS, BASED ON THE ISSUE OF YOUR BANK. I THINK ALSO
THAT WE WILL USE THE LAND BANK WHICH IS YOUR SAVINGS
ACCOUNT.

FURTHERMORE YOU CAN NOW SEND THE ACCOUNT WITH YOUR
SWIFT CODE TO US. WHEN WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATIONS ,
THE ATTORNEY WILL OBTAIN THE PAPERS AND SEND A COPY
TO YOU AND ALSO TO THE BANK BEFORE THEY WILL CONTACT
YOU FOR PAYMENT THEREAFTER.

I WILL COMPASATE YOU WITH 30% FROM THE TOTAL AMOUNT
FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, CALL ME ON TEL:234-1-7763224 FOR
MORE BRIEFING.

GOD BLESS YOU.

MR JUSTICE SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,
Where are you?! I have tried calling for two
days! I have the Swift code for Land Bank/Kangaroo
Millionaire Donor Fund (is it safe to e-mail?).
I first thought there was a thumb protector on my
phone but now I'm worried that I'm missing some sort
of Nigerian hand mask: must I dial a country code
first?
I WILL NOT BE MADE THE PONY BOY: IXNAY! If this
is a scam, I want to know about it. I'm here to help
Nigeria.


God Bless Me and You Both,
J. Plenary, CEO

P.S. Sorry if I seem irritated, but a horribleness has
befelsterred my children's academy: Phyllis the Boy
fell into a bottling machine, and I am busy, Mr.
Shaish...busy with a capital Jesus.



---------------------------------------------------
SEND YOUR NUMBERS I WANT TO CALL YOU NOW.....

SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shashi,
Bravo, I like a forceful plan/Nigerian Helping
Opportunity.
I'm so nervous about this; I don't know why (my
uncle was a Colonel in the Salvation Army AND invented
a vaccine: WE ARE NOT A FAMILY TO BE TOYED WITH). But
I have all the info (Swift code, phone number, and
acct. numbers); just to be on the safe side, I'll send
code words first and then a second e-mail.

1=Hobbit
2=Bilbo
3=Dildo
4=Donkey
5=Jumbo
6=Yankee
7=Pony
8=Growler
9=Wolfbait
0=Junkie

Just match this list against the code words in my
separate e-mail. PLEASE call me today (I will be in
home until 1700 Central Railroad Time): I hunger for
completion. When this is over and your money is safe
and we are bedded down of a summer's eve, I will
remain:

Very Sincerely,
J. Plenary, Own Company Starter

Phone number: Junkie-Hobbit-Bilbo
Jumbo-Jumbo-Jumbo-Growler Jumbo-Bilbo-Donkey-Wolfbait

Swift Code: Donkey-Donkey-Hobbit Junkie-Bilbo
Pony-Yankee-Jumbo-Donkey

Bank Address:
Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 941125

Savings Account Number:

Donkey-Junkie-Wolfbait-Growler-Jumbo-Hippy-Dildo-Yankee-Hobbit-Pony


Does this all make sense? It should. I look forward
to your call today. PLEASE WRITE IF THERE ARE ANY
QUESTIONS.

Hold me,
Jock Plenary

---------------------------------------------------
WHAT DOYOUMEAN. ARE YOU EVER SERIOUS IN YOUR LIFE AND
THE TRANSACTION

---------------------------------------------------
You have passed the test, Mr. Shaish! Congratulations.

You need only this piece of the puzzle: HIPPY=X

I will expect the money tomorrow; you, my friend will
be the Bonobo-ficiary.


Go back to the e-mails, Mr. Shaish...the answers are
in the code: DO NOT LOSE YOUR PASSION FOR HELPING
NIGERIA.


Trust me,
Jock Plenary, Black Belt (Hon.)


I will assume that you, Mr. Justice, are never serious
in YOUR life or this transaction.

I am as serious as a lion on a beach!

CALL ME TODAY 1.415.555.6662


Jock Plenary, Ghost Rider
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Old 04-11-2006, 09:56 PM   #1989
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yeah so don't anyone EVER accuse smarts of posting really short messages OK??? Or else .
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:40 AM   #1990
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I got to quit my job today. That made me laugh. One of those maniacal laughs.

Mwahahahahah...!
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Old 04-15-2006, 04:09 AM   #1991
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Clickety click.
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Old 04-15-2006, 11:50 AM   #1992
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Old 04-17-2006, 03:06 PM   #1993
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Joe's Headache

Joe had suffered from an extreme headache for many years. He had seen many doctors, but none had helped. Finally, he decided to try one more, a specialist who had a great reputation for curing headaches. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old"
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS.
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Old 04-18-2006, 07:19 AM   #1994
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Old 04-19-2006, 07:48 PM   #1995
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