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Old 11-10-2005, 02:04 PM   #241
dinzdale
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?.. Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Old 11-10-2005, 10:43 PM   #242
priceyfatprude
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambo
Tori Spelling walked into a bar.
The bartender said "Why the long face ?"


Quote:
Originally Posted by dinzdale
Ok, just for Pricey (and the slow), try saying it out loud with the emphasis on "house maid"....
ahhhhhhhhhh. Thanks ever so!
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Old 11-11-2005, 01:48 AM   #243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinzdale
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?.. Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
MMLOL
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Old 11-11-2005, 01:53 AM   #244
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The ethnic/provincial bride said to the ethnic/provincial groom: "Oh, darling, give me twelve inches and make it hurt."

So he f***ed her four times and hit her on the head with a rock.
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Old 11-11-2005, 02:11 AM   #245
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Brilliant!!
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Old 11-14-2005, 11:32 AM   #246
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher."
Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it's contagious.

“Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
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Old 11-14-2005, 11:53 AM   #247
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HAHAHAAA! I like it.
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
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Old 11-14-2005, 06:43 PM   #248
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Father O'Malley, the new priest, is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
I understand and how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
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Old 12-16-2005, 01:58 PM   #249
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' " asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" Now what the hell would you say?

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Old 12-17-2005, 07:20 PM   #250
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,
"Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions."


The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but
I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!


Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"


Harry: "Pants."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?"


Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?"


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before
he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble
gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"


Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last seven questions wrong...... "



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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
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Old 12-17-2005, 07:50 PM   #251
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack Flanders
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. Thet get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps on to the windshield and hisses at them.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the wipers on. That should get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues to hiss at them.
"What shall we do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer...I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and contnues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him you're cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking, " says Sister Catherine. She opens the car window and shouts, "Get the fvck off the car, you asshole!"

OK - I'm recalling this joke because I thought it was funny and I liked Avalon's joke. A Zemonkey told me that my joke was too good for this board. OK - do we need to start a new board for the good jokes? Some people may think that either of these jokes were bad. I donno. Wadda think gang?
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Old 12-17-2005, 08:25 PM   #252
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There is a good joke thread around here somewhere. I will bump it for you if I feel so inclined.
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Old 12-18-2005, 01:33 AM   #253
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Found it. Thanx.
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Old 03-20-2006, 07:39 AM   #254
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a burglar is on his way through a dark living room, moving towards the dvd-player. all of a sudden he hears a voice: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

the burglar is scared to death and hides behind the curtain. after 5 minutes, all remains quiet and the burglar peeks around the curtain. nothing there. he moves on, towards the kitchen and then again he hears the voice: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

the burglar takes out his flashlight and shines around. then he spots a parrot in a cage that says: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

"how nice," says the burglar. "a talking parrot! what's your name?"

the parrot answers: "moses"

the burglar laughs and asks: "what kind of people name their parrot Moses??"

"the same people that name their rottweiler Jesus!"
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Old 03-20-2006, 07:48 AM   #255
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A man walks into a bar....


....OUCH!
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