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Old 09-24-2002, 01:48 AM   #1
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Transparent.

"I've never been to Penn State. I've never read The Prayer Of Jabez. I hate the summer mosquitos and I can't stand lawn chairs because they make those funny lines on my skin. My nose itches a lot, so I just assume it's my mother worrying about me. I have about five bazillion napkins and bits of paper with phone numbers on them, but half the time the guys are so drunk they forget to put their names on them. I use sunless tanning lotion because I burn when actually exposed to sunlight. Would you like me to go on?"

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Old 09-24-2002, 08:52 PM   #2
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She was clawing at her thin pale track-marked arm in a way that reminded Jonah of those monkeys that had been raised without the contact of others. He knew if he didn't stay engaged in her monologue she would certainly begin to hug herself with those same frail arms and rock unconsciously. "Yeah, I'd like you to go on, " Jonah said, "that is," he paused to stub out his cigarette, "that is if you feel like talking... if not... well, we've got another thirty minutes in our session. We could always twiddle our thumbs" He winked at her and induced a reflexive nervous giggle. For a moment he could imagine her actually smiling and happy. He smiled at the image and nodded toward her, "yeah, I'd like you to go on."
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Old 09-24-2002, 09:56 PM   #3
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"I love painting. I have painted about three murals on top of one another in my bedroom alone. I never use bright colors though...err, well never white, or green, or yellow. Too much light for me. Give me black and a 60 watt bulb any day. Although the buzz always kills me. I don't remember what my sister looks like anymore. I don't think so anyway. I can't look her in the eyes, so I don't really look at her. I don't think I have for the last three years. I don't smoke. I don't take drugs. I don't drink. I have no tattoos. I'm alone. What do you think doc? You got all that?"

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Old 09-26-2002, 10:51 AM   #4
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Well, there it was. Alone. We're all alone. We're all alone. "Talk to me more about 'alone'," he said. His pen made swirling little whirlpools on the notepad. Sometimes it was weeks into therapy before his patient would talk about the "A" word. Seperation anxiety was as ubiquitous as skin. This was a girl in touch with her inner demons intimately. She seemed to be on a first name basis with them, to party with them, to relish the power they exerted over her. She was a step away from devoting her life to their care and feeding. Her silent response was stretching thin. "Can you do that... tell me about 'alone'?"
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Old 09-26-2002, 02:51 PM   #5
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"Well...I guess it's like this. My mom always called me her 'little freebird.' From the time I was eight, on. People always have told me that I was just independent, or a loner...but it's never been like that. I think if I'd have just been independent, I'd have been able to get along with anyone and be able to move on. Or if I'd been a loner, I'd have had at least one or two friends that I was semi-close to...but no. In my opinion, I've always thought of myself as extremely detached.

"I mean, there were never any friends. There was never any getting along. There was never any freedom to it. Mom and Bebe, my sister, it was always them. Dad always had his work. At school, it was always the girls giggling and the boys playing dodgeball. I just stood behind the teachers watching it all go down. It was always like I was a seperate entity altogether.

"You ever read that book, Alice And The Looking Glass? Or whatever it's called..."

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Old 09-27-2002, 12:40 AM   #6
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" 'Through the Looking Glass (and what Alice found there)'... I'm familiar with it, mostly from the Disney animations but that might have been 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'... the real stories were far more grim if I recall" he winced at his knee-jerk reaction to portray himself as an intellectual. He caught himself wavering on the edge of ego gluttany and steered the conversation back to...
"Funny that you'd 'mirror' yourself in Alice. A smart, sympathetic heroin in a world gone mad... a world populated by non-human fantasies. Tell me about that." His interior vorpal blade went snick-kersnack...
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Old 09-30-2002, 05:04 PM   #7
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"Yeah...well. I guess I've always just seen myself by the chimney, like Alice. Where she's talking to her kitty and just imagining how wonderful it would be if the looking-glass house would just turn all gauze and let her in...where there would just be all this promise and fun.

"Of course, it's never actually let me through. I mean, I've never 'felt the guaze.' I've never actually seen the glass go all silvery and misty. I've just been stuck here, watching everyone. Although, I'm not Alice, I have no kitty, and well...

"Though, I guess you could say this was my first gauze experience. Sitting here with you..."
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Old 10-01-2002, 07:38 PM   #8
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He grinned warmly at the poetry in this girl's heart. It tugged at heart strings that were, he thought, seamlessly shielded from the emotional ploys and plays of his clients. "But, aren't the characters from that story all around you? Your father, a white rabbit, never listening...always hurrying off to work... 'I'm late, I'm late," He said as he looked at the clock on his wood paneled wall, "The king and queen of hearts and all the cards in the deck playing croquet - dodgeball... whatever." She peered out at him from behind her dark bangs, smiled briefly and then dodged her eyes away. "Who, then, is running the tea party. Who is the cheshire cat in this scenario?"
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Old 10-02-2002, 12:45 AM   #9
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"Well, I don't know about that. See, if you were gonna really take the analogy to heart, I don't think I even know them yet. I think all those people would be an amalgum...is that the right word? A mix that formed Dinah. The whole story, everything that happened through the glass was her. Well, essentially. Figments of her imagination. So who's the cheshire cat? Me. Who's running the tea party? Me. I dunno. I was just saying I wanted someone to listen, someone to acknowledge my presence, someone to understand me.

"Heh...it's funny, ya know? I used to have this dream when I was little. It was always me in my bedroom, pigtails and all. I was fingerpainting, and my dad comes in the room. I mean, he just stopped everything he was doing, and he came in. More than that though, he came in to see me. So, he comes in, he sits down on my bed and looks at me. I stop painting, and I can barely breathe. I look him in the eyes, and he opens his mouth. 'You know, you're a pretty girl.' He says it, and I just go blank. I want to say something, I always want to say something, just the right thing. Before I can get it out though, he gets up, walks out the room, and closes the door behind him.

"I always hated that dream. It always left me so frustrated."
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Old 10-03-2002, 12:46 PM   #10
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He thought for a moment about this.
Morning becomes Electra. How crazy was this world? How mad. Men with daughters. Women with sons. When we are young, genderless, safe... parents wrestle with us, let us sit on their laps, shower us with hugs and physical affection. And then we change. We grow into sexual beings and suddenly it's all inappropriate. Suddenly we are no longer able to hug or cuddle or play. We feel the rejection though we can't understand the reasoning... and of course no one is talking. But we're pretty sure it's our fault somehow. No wonder middle school is such an asylum of wounded souls and raging hormones. "Well, we're going to want to talk about that dream and your feelings of frustration during our next session. We've come to the end of another hour. Thursdays at 11:00 still works?"
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Old 10-03-2002, 08:22 PM   #11
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"Sure." as she walked toward the door. The worn oak floor that she crossed, whinced with every step. "Whatever, is fine." The tattered coat that hung on the back of the door was silently lifted and put in place upon her thin shoulders.

"Allright I'll pencil you in for next week then. Give it some thought though... I mean, the Chesire Cat was always leaving Alice with more questions than answers... much like your father in the dream."

"I'll try"
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Old 10-10-2002, 10:01 AM   #12
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He didn't look up in time to see her leave, "he had a habit of dissappearing..." he became aware that she was already gone as his words echoed off the counciling center's aged plaster lathe walls. "...leaving just his smile." he looked back at his pad and rubbed a little tension from his furrowed brow. She had something on him. He was going to have to talk to Sydney about her just to be certain he remained clear. The last thing he needed was an emotional intanglement with a patient. Especially a free clinic patient. Especially one half his age, or nearly so. He was already swirling toward a Nabakov fantasy land when his next patient poked her head in the door. "Eugenia Blake, 380 pounds, multiphobic, mildy bipolar, looking to lose weight," read his notes... he sighed and greeted her.

Two hours later, he emerged from the clinic to find the sky painted with autumn twilight. He paused to find a cigarette, pop it in his mouth and light it against the cool evening breeze. He took a deep drag and looked up to see the first star winking in the deepening darkness. As he turned to his car he stopped. She was there, leaning against his '74 MG, staring at her shoes.
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Old 10-10-2002, 06:11 PM   #13
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"I don't know what I need. I don't know why they suggested to me to come to you. They didn't even ask me a question, they didn't look at me, they just handed me your card. Heh, the lady might have even thought I was someone else. You listened to me though. No one ever does. And to be honest, I've never even been that interesting. That's why I never really say much. I just wanted to apologize for wasting your time. You don't have to see me next week.

"Unless of course...no. It's okay."
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Old 10-12-2002, 11:23 PM   #14
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Jonah cupped his burning cigarette in his palm, subtly hiding it from her as he used to from his parents in high school. "All of my clients are voluntary. The county pays but... " he decided against hiding the smoke any longer and took a drag hesitently. On the exhale he continued, "but if it weren't you in that comfy overstuffed chair up there it would be more ... more Eugenias trying to figure out how to lose 50 pounds on a government cheese diet." He laughed and she looked up at him again through her bangs, her dark sparkling eyes surrounded by eyeliner. "It's not about what interests me in there. It's about what helps you find what you are looking for... It might be that you're afraid you're boring because no one has ever taken the time to listen. You think you're not worth listening to. I'm here to tell you, that's their problem, not yours." He took another drag, dropped the butt to the pavement, and ground it out with his hiking boot.
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Old 10-18-2002, 01:09 PM   #15
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"I don't know if I can do this though. I mean, even standing here, talking to you...it's all a little too...

"It's all a little too...a little too...intimate? I mean, compared to what I'm used to. I dunno. I'm all over the place. I don't feel like I'm even saying what I want to. I should just go. There's no use in wasting a hero."
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