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Old 01-19-2007, 01:30 AM   #2521
FJeff
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Old 01-19-2007, 02:07 AM   #2522
Jack Flanders
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frieda
As I experience the JOY of teaching my daughter how to drive and parallel park, I can relate to this video in many ways.
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Old 01-19-2007, 04:12 PM   #2523
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Ahahahahahaha! Excruciating, isn't it?

The longer you watch, the funnier it gets. I've gotten pretty good at parallel parking on the left side (go in front end first), but there was a time for a while when I wouldn't even try.

(Hey, aren't those mustache guys the same ones from the "Just Two Guys" video? Hard to top that - time for another look)
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3. Your foot will change direction.

Last edited by Brynn : 01-19-2007 at 04:24 PM.
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Old 01-19-2007, 09:19 PM   #2524
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This came from a student at Wake Forest Univ in North Carolina:
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing (Prof. Miller).

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca and Gary."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(third paragraph by Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
(forth paragraph by Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Asshole.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Bitch.
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Old 01-19-2007, 10:56 PM   #2525
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love it!
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Old 01-20-2007, 12:42 AM   #2526
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Old 01-20-2007, 02:52 PM   #2527
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OMFG, Zen. That last one is a DOOZY!!!! I am ROFL.

Here's mine for the day. Old fashioned, but me like....

An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy!, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a ***** willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.
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Old 01-20-2007, 04:24 PM   #2528
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Has this been posted before?

Hu's on First
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Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we have not stopped to include violence as an option in our conflict management, we are still savages.
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Old 01-20-2007, 07:15 PM   #2529
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today my mother decided to fold the clothes that were pulled out of the dryer last night - she reached in and grabbed a shirt to fold it and let out a scream - when she reached for the shirt and started pulling it she saw eyes looking back at her - the cat had craweld into the clothes and was looking at her thru the sleeve - he was inside the shirt itself
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Old 01-23-2007, 07:36 PM   #2530
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my colleague Oswald accidently saying:
"i'm sorry, that doesnt ring a ball"
and then the look on the face of my other colleague.. i could just see him wondering what kind of sound his balls would make.. rrrringg!!
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Old 01-24-2007, 12:36 PM   #2531
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Old 01-24-2007, 12:44 PM   #2532
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Old 01-24-2007, 02:32 PM   #2533
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. . .'
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Old 01-24-2007, 02:45 PM   #2534
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^ funny, thanks LD
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Old 01-24-2007, 04:12 PM   #2535
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Subject: TAX TIME AGAIN
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No.

That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
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