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Old 07-23-2009, 02:06 AM   #1291
Jack Flanders
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Dear Greenhead fly. Yes you did bite my ankle and calf many times last weekend and I did develop crazy (big-ass) ankle/leg swelling painful welts. I hat you. Landscaper Bitch
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Old 07-26-2009, 12:37 AM   #1292
Anna
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Dear Bureaucracy,

Greetings,
Do you know what you can do with your red tape?

Sincerely,
That's Really None Of Your Business


p.s. that's quite a crappy job you have there, did you win it in one of life's little failures? My sympathies.
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Old 07-26-2009, 01:49 PM   #1293
MoJoRiSin
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^ that made me laugh
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:15 AM   #1294
YsaPur EsChomuw
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Dear colleagues,

could you please stop asking so many irrelevant questions? These are the final exams, not the bloody inquisition. And besides, it's too late to teach anything the poor things now.
More importantly, I really want to go home. Now.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

a bored-to-anger colleague
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:33 PM   #1295
Frieda
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^print the image of the shut up man and pin it on your back. no questions asked, guaranteed
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:33 PM   #1296
YsaPur EsChomuw
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^ VERRRY good idea! Too late now, but in three months' time the next batch of students will leave the school. I'm planning to make a SUHT UP poster onn-a-stick... and stick it in the face of those who will lose their concept of time and space.
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:39 PM   #1297
Frieda
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^i did that 2 assignments ago, worked very well. the bossman there asked me for a full color printout, which i made, and to my surprise he came into the office the next day, proudly handing out laminated full color copies of the suhtup man.
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:40 PM   #1298
YsaPur EsChomuw
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^ I doubt police officers would have that much sense of humour, but maybe they'll get the point.
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Old 08-11-2009, 06:16 AM   #1299
lukkucairi
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Dear You,

We'll survive this catastrophic depressurization, I think.

love, Me.
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Old 09-18-2009, 02:09 PM   #1300
brightpearl
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Dear Vietnamese restaurant what I patronaged not 'alf an hour ago,

Many years back I began frequenting your establishment. Your offerings reminded me of aspects of my childhood -- the smell of cilantro, the bite of fresh slender chilis, the crisp sweetness of homemade rice wrappered eggrolls so heavenly that Richard Nixon would beg forgiveness in return for just one.

Plus, my grandmother could tolerate your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

In recent years, however, things have slipped a bit. Your pho noodles got shorter. Your beansprouts got browner. You took #17 off the menu.

I won't lie; that one stung.

Yet still I would come by on occasion, hoping things would have turned around. Under new management?
How 'bout now?

Alas.
Today, because you still have not restored #17 to the menu, I ordered "Broccoli with Spicy Garlic Sauce." What I received, so lovingly and promisingly origamied into a brown paper sack, is not Vietnamese food. I don't know what it is. There are 5 pieces of broccoli in it, for one thing. And the rice is not the blessed semi-translucent, eversoslightly sticky Vietnamese version any more; it is Uncle Freaking Ben's. Also...and I can't stress this enough...it is totally devoid of both spiciness AND GARLIC. It is somehow at once both watery and cloyingly sweet.

Lastly.
The eggroll.

Child. WHAT. IS. THIS?

It is pasty and wheat wrapped. It is soggy. I asked for the one you call "vegetarian" on the menu. There's no meat in it, I'll grant you. However, neither are there any VEGETABLES. It's entirely filled with vermicelli. Vile-icelli.

This is not Vietnamese food. It is so goddamn far from Vietnamese food that it thinks Viet Nam war was over who made the best pork rinds.

I don't know what it is.
I'm sad.

Brightpearl

PS
Wait.
Appallingly sticky yet lacking in substance...
Extensively wheat based...
Fried beyond all reason...

This is American food.
Fvckers.

Last edited by brightpearl : 09-18-2009 at 02:16 PM. Reason: epiphany
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:46 PM   #1301
brightpearl
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Dear people who recently interviewed Stephi,

You would be nuts not to take her. Plus it would make your karma all gray and sticky and filled with dust bunnies, like a Thai bubble tea that you left under your bed for 6 weeks.

No one wants that.

I hope you do what's best for everyone then.

Sincerely,
Ms. B. Pearl, Esq., PhD, MBA, RNFA, AC/DC
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:52 PM   #1302
brightpearl
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Dear The Mother's Boyfriend,

I truly pray that some day the enormity of what you've done to that child washes over you, burning into your mouth and throat until you can't swallow food, that it knocks you so hard your arms curl into your chest, your legs turn hopelessly inward, and you no longer know how to make eye contact with people who call your name. Just for a minute, even though it's going to be a lifelong minute for the child. I pray this not with vengeance in my heart, but with my best attempt at compassion -- it's the only way you'll ever learn to be uplifted.

There's nothing to be done to make up for it, anyway.

You've got a long road ahead. I hope you do well for the sake of everyone around you.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

PS I'm not sure I got through the day in one piece, actually, letter or not.

Last edited by brightpearl : 04-07-2011 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 04-13-2011, 11:30 PM   #1303
Brynn
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^ try as I might, I've got no compassion for a sort like that. Thinking much worse thoughts here.
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:11 AM   #1304
lukkucairi
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Dear Tiffany Shlain

Thank you for having such an awesome Dad, and for unknowingly sharing his unconditional love with me and thousands of other people in need of mentoring.

namaste',

Luks
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:46 PM   #1305
MoJoRiSin
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This particular joke won an award
> >
> > for the best joke competition organized in Britain:
> >
> > A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of
> > beer
> > and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of
> > each one in
> > turn.
> > When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and
> > orders 3 more.
> > The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I
> > fill it in the
> > glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
> > The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
> > is in
> > Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London.
> > When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way
> > to remember
> > the days when we drank together.
> >
> > The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves
> > it there.
> > The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
> > same way.
> > He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.
> > One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other
> > regulars
> > notice and fall silent.
> >
> > When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
> > bartender says,"
> > I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
> > offer my sincere
> > condolences on your great loss. "
> > The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs ....
> > "Oh, no,"
> > he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .
> >
> > " The only thing is
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ..
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ..
> >[FONT="Book Antiqua"]i j u s t q u i t d r i n king!![/font]
spaces added
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