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Old 09-28-2006, 08:44 AM   #46
zero
 
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phone rings...

12"razormix: hello, this is mrs. mix.

(silence)

12"razormix: hello?

voice: is this mrs. zormrix?

12"razormix: yes it is.

voice: this is herbert schoenheit von vogelsang from paradise isla..

12"razormix: is this a sales call?

voice: no, i'm telephoning to tell you that you've been selec..

12"razormix: how did you get this number?

voice: please, let me explain...

12"razormix: it is a sales call, isn't it?

voice: no, but you've wo...

12"razormix: put me on your do-not-call list immediately and never call me again. goodbye





i wish you could smell my manly new aftershave by alexander mcqueequeg named "boredom"
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Old 09-28-2006, 09:02 AM   #47
craig johnston
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I can. It's wafting across the channel sending entire nations to sleep with it's soporific scent. First the UK, then Ireland, Holland, Belgium (where no one notices) and France fall into a long slumber. Trains crash, planes fall from the sky, houses burn down, and all because the gentleman had to 'splash it all over'. Two weeks later you will receive a bill for the damages.


I wish I was a little bit taller
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Last edited by craig johnston : 09-28-2006 at 09:06 AM.
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Old 09-28-2006, 09:08 AM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zero
voice: is this mrs. zormrix?

12"razormix: yes it is.

voice: this is herbert schoenheit von vogelsang from paradise isla..

12"razormix: is this a sales call?

voice: no, i'm telephoning to tell you that you've been selec..

12"razormix: how did you get this number?

voice: please, let me explain...

12"razormix: it is a sales call, isn't it?

voice: no, but you've wo...

12"razormix: put me on your do-not-call list immediately and never call me again. goodbye
oh haaaaaaaa...
SO. TRUE.
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Old 09-28-2006, 09:47 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by craig johnston
I wish I was a little bit taller
you are. you are just a little bit taller than a billy goat and no longer able to look anyone straight in the eye. of course jj will not have any of this and leaves you immediately, particularly since it was YOUR WISH to be this size! none of your pants fit any longer but as luck has it, you can still wear your t-shirts and sweaters, which now reach down to your knees and serve as fashionable housedresses. yes, you spend a lot of time at home now. since you lost your dashing figure and the woman at your side, the demand for your music has decreased immensely and you now discover the many joys of hagen-dazs.


i wish i wasn't quite as tall.
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Old 09-28-2006, 10:44 AM   #50
craig johnston
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you are the size of an ant. squashed by schoolboy for fun.
end of.


i wish i was better organized
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Old 09-28-2006, 02:22 PM   #51
Frieda
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you completely cover your house in billy bookcases from ikea. unfortunately, you say the word IKEA 3 times in a row and your furniture collapses with you underneath. doctors put you together piece by piece and congratulate each other on organising their patient so well!


i wish my nose would stop dripping
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Old 09-28-2006, 06:05 PM   #52
rapscalious rob
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You get some cold pills later, and almost immediately after taking one, your nose is no longer dripping! Soon afterwards, though, the side-effects start to kick in. You get a horrible headache, a scary rash appears on your stomach, and your mind feels slightly loopy.


I wish my sandals had better traction.
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You go skipping and prancing through life, skipping through a field of dandelions. But what you dont see is that on each dandelion is a bee, and on each bee is an ant, and the ant is biting the bee and the bee is biting the flower, and if that shocks you then Im sorry.
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Old 09-28-2006, 06:34 PM   #53
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ffffFFFFFOOOOP!
Your sandals have such excellent traction that everywhere you go, you make giant schoosching noises. Eventually you walk outside a library, whereapon all the seeking-quiet-to-read-in readers pour out of the building and, lifting you up on their mobby shoulders, carry you to the bay and throw you in, whereapon you must use your somewhere between sandpapery and spikey sandals to beat off various species of shark. You kill one or two, climb out of the bay, bring them home and make them for dinner. The sharks, not the sandals. (They don't all have to have unhappy endings, do they?)

I wish it was time to go home.
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Last edited by lapietra : 09-28-2006 at 06:50 PM.
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Old 09-29-2006, 08:16 AM   #54
Odbe
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It's time to go home, so you go, only to find that your house has been destroyed by marauding alien wolves from Pluto which are still prowling around the ruins and decide to eat you.

I wish I had some good music to listen to.
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Old 09-29-2006, 11:38 AM   #55
trisherina
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Michael Hedges and Warren Zevon reanimate and jam for several hours while you watch in stunned amusement. It takes them that long to get hungry, since they're zombies, and when they turn to you with that look in their eyes, you realize that you should have just opted in for that digital radio package that the cable company was emailing you about all last week. Oh well, they corner you, eat your brain, and you become a zombie yourself with a sudden hankering to check out Ashlee Simpson's latest.

I wish I'd kept my old orange Datsun 240Z.
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Old 09-29-2006, 12:08 PM   #56
jodee
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Your wish has been granted. You never sold your orange Datsun 24OZ. While driving around town in your Datsun, you think that nothing in life could be any better, until you hear a strange noise coming from the motor. You apply the breaks to pull over and check it out, when you notice you have no breaks, and unfortunantly you are going down a long steep hill. Then you remember why you sold the car to start with, while you are headed aimlessly down you path to dome, your car was old, and you needed to get a new one to be safe.

I wish I could have brand new kitchen cabinets.
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Old 09-29-2006, 02:29 PM   #57
lapietra
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Shazaam!

Your entire house is covered with kitchen cabinets, filled with dishes and glasses and Tupperware and glass jars with mismatched tops. You no longer have room for your bed, and must sleep underneath one of the cabinets under one of the kitchen sinks, where the constant drip-drip-drip drives you completely insane.

I wish that I could heal anyone by touching them.
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Old 09-29-2006, 03:29 PM   #58
mugen
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A stand-up comedian from the year 2075 buys a time machine and takes you to his time where you learn the secrets of "healing-by-touching-people", then sends you back to the present time to help sick people. Unfortunately you discover this brand new method, wich isn't even been developed in your own time yet, has secondary effects that nobody in the future told you about. So after you've touched and cured like 5000 people or so (after they've payed the respective fee, of course) they start developing this terrible lymphomas, melanomas and all kinds of 'omas because your treatment has affected theyr cellular genoma causing it to mutate unpredictably. Only two survive, one is a millioner who survives in a protective bubble and the other is a guy that just got away with bad foot-odor but had no cancer manifestations. The millioner pays the other guy to track you down and take you to a prison specially prepared for you to spend the rest of your days in...touching yourself.



I wish I could tell when it is going to rain.

Last edited by mugen : 09-29-2006 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 09-30-2006, 03:49 AM   #59
rapscalious rob
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Somehow, you suddenly discover another layer of consciousness within your mind, a sort of constant "weather channel." Now you can predict every nuance of meteorological change - you know if it's raining in any location on earth, or whether the wind tomorrow will be perfect for kite flying. Oh, the joy!

Unfortunately, after a couple of days, you find you that now the "noise" from this part of your mind is neigh-unbearable. You toss and turn in bed, unable to stop yourself from reciting the wind direction and rainfall in Ponta Por. You take to drinking to quiet your mind down, and soon become an alcoholic, regularly frequenting the local bar and quietly whining when you hear the weather announced on the local news.



I wish I had the physical resiliency of Superman.
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You go skipping and prancing through life, skipping through a field of dandelions. But what you dont see is that on each dandelion is a bee, and on each bee is an ant, and the ant is biting the bee and the bee is biting the flower, and if that shocks you then Im sorry.
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Old 09-30-2006, 04:12 AM   #60
trisherina
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BOING! You bounce back. You are Superman, the man of steel. Unfortunately, Lois Lane is the woman of Kleenex.
Quote:
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet.
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.
I wish Jerry Pournelle wanted to write a book with me.
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