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Old 03-30-2007, 06:09 AM   #1141
balancing actor
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Location: america
Posts: 2,706
Dear Coffee Machine,

I realize your intention is to amuse my colleagues and to offer them some well deserved laughter before they start the day.

Nonetheless I must ask that you please send me the coffee and the cup in the following order:

1) First the cup
2) Then the coffee

Not the other way around.

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Old 03-30-2007, 07:05 PM   #1142
meretricious dilettante
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Dear Outlook Web Access,

I wish I'd never heard of you. If I could only resist your siren song, all my vacations would be so much better.

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Old 03-31-2007, 01:06 AM   #1143
Pigmy person...
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Dear Job,

You pay my bills, and give me gifts. We have spent many holidays together and I have brought the folks to meet you and they approve. You are wonderful in so many ways. Actually, you are the best I've ever had. But as with everything in life, too much of a good thing can turn the sweetness to sour.

I wake up in the middle of the night worried about you. I've spent countless hours with you, and when we are not together you are never far from my thoughts. We are good together. But I need to find me. I feel as if I lost me somewhere along the way. I'm not saying that we can't see each other anymore, I don't want to lose you...but I need my space.

Please understand,

Lost Sadie
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
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Old 04-06-2007, 05:59 AM   #1144
hope dope
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Dear Fate,

You're getting a bit predictable. Stop repeating yourself.

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Old 04-06-2007, 06:34 AM   #1145
balancing actor
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Dear stomach

Please stop manifesting yourself. Lunchtime won't be for another one and a half hours and you know it.

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Old 04-06-2007, 08:31 AM   #1146
craig johnston
dalai clique
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Location: tea leaf towers - home of fine musical entertainment
Posts: 5,609
Dear Things,
Could you please start getting better now
like everyone keeps saying you will? That
would really help.
;-) CJ
the tea leaf family
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Old 04-07-2007, 06:18 PM   #1147
surly ninny
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Dear Wiseass Customer-Lady,
Yes, your response was witty and unexpected, but it also clearly showed that you are awfully full of yourself. And as there were other, and possibly more sensitive ears present, I was unable to respond to you as I feel is more than appropriate to your attitude.
So, I am taking this opportunity to fully respond.
"Actually ma'am, I'm not solely here for a paycheck. I actually enjoy watching sad women like yourself make themselves more miserable by attempting to fill the void in their lives with meaningless matieralistic things. If there's anything I can do to assist you to that end, it would be my effing pleasure."
Thank you kindly for your time,
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Old 04-08-2007, 01:42 AM   #1148
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Dear Time,

I would really appreciate it if you would stop flying by while I'm having fun.
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Old 04-08-2007, 04:57 AM   #1149
no more nice girl
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Posts: 5,054
Dear Wiseass Customer-Lady,

We do a nice plunger in your Bodum or perhaps you would like a flute in your Orrefors?

Stop pissing people off.


He really shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
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Old 04-08-2007, 11:35 PM   #1150
auntie aubrey
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Location: beyond the call of duty
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dear boss:

don't you ever ever EVER call me at 9:00 on a sunday, drunk off of your ass, again. i've heard repeatedly about your infamous drinking problem, but i've been trying to ignore it as long as it didn't impact my life. when you come into work with stringy hair and bloodshot eyes, reeking to high heaven of last night's bender, i hold my breath to avoid gagging. when your hands shake between opportunities to sneak off and have a drink, i pretend not to notice. but when you call me on easter sunday at 9:00, completely sauced and barely coherent, this impacts my life. this is unacceptable.

i give you one gimmie. if you call me again, you'll join me in HR first thing monday morning.

thanks and eff you in the ear,
A. A.
that dog won't hunt, monsignor
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Old 04-12-2007, 12:33 AM   #1151
one classy broad
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Location: The Cornhusker State
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Dear Ze,

It's been a while since I've emailed you really random, stream of conscience stuff. I'll try to do that again some time soon. You're a good kid.

I'd rather be making out.
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Old 04-12-2007, 01:19 AM   #1152
surly ninny
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dear cellphone, you suck! i cant wait to be rid of you!
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Old 04-12-2007, 03:06 AM   #1153
girthy pickles
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dear auntie's boss

You're a ****ing knob job. You're lucky you hired her & not me, because anyone who calls me before 10am on a weekend gets the voicemail. Even the woman who gave me life.

dear weathercasters:

thanks for getting everyone worked up over nothing. why aren't you warning ppl about tomorrow for when all this shit freezes?

dear foot doctor:

i love the cortisone shots, yes i do. yup yup yup. see you tomorrow, beeyotch.
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Old 04-13-2007, 02:56 PM   #1154
Rhinoceros fan
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Dear Me,

Couldja just stop? Honestly.


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Old 04-18-2007, 05:02 AM   #1155
constantly amazed
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Oh dear oh dear oh dear I'm cringing
A world! An infinitude! of kind ways
to attune to souls finely wired
I must be careful of where I wander
sometimes the heart's aperture can only open so wide
before it bursts
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
3. Your foot will change direction.
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