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Old 07-22-2005, 08:51 PM   #46
dinzdale
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What do you say to a man with no arms and no legs when you want to know the time?



"Have you got the time on ya, cock?"
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Old 07-22-2005, 10:09 PM   #47
tsunamimom
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman,
'I'll have a large whiskey and one for the road.'
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Old 07-22-2005, 10:10 PM   #48
Max Headroom
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Two Boll Weevil's were born and grew up on a farm. They lived a happy childhood. When the time came to decide what to do with their lives, the first Boll Weevil went to New York City and made it big working on Wall Street. The second Boll Weevil decided to stay on the farm and did not make much of his life, thus making him the lesser of two Weevil's
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Old 07-22-2005, 10:12 PM   #49
Max Headroom
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A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave it to her.
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Old 07-23-2005, 03:10 AM   #50
priceyfatprude
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Headroom
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave it to her.
This one made me lol.
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Old 07-23-2005, 03:57 AM   #51
funkytuba
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How to you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'nique up on it!


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way!
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Old 07-23-2005, 07:19 PM   #52
Max Headroom
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So a man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink, pulls out a tiny piano and a one foot tall man to play it. The bartender says, “what’s that?” “It’s my 12 inch pianist” says the man taking a sip of his drink. “Wow, how did you get it man?” the bartender inquires. “Well, I found a magic lantern, I rubbed it and made a wish.” The bartender was amazed and asked if he too could try this magic lantern. Without hesitation the man pulls out the lantern and gave it to the bartender. The bartender gave it a little rub and then made a wish. Within 30 seconds hundreds upon hundreds of ducks start pouring through the doors of the bar. “What the hell,” said the bartender, “I wished for a million bucks.” To which the man replied, “Do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
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Old 07-23-2005, 07:24 PM   #53
venusupnorth
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Headroom
So a man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink, pulls out a tiny piano and a one foot tall man to play it. The bartender says, “what’s that?” “It’s my 12 inch pianist” says the man taking a sip of his drink. “Wow, how did you get it man?” the bartender inquires. “Well, I found a magic lantern, I rubbed it and made a wish.” The bartender was amazed and asked if he too could try this magic lantern. Without hesitation the man pulls out the lantern and gave it to the bartender. The bartender gave it a little rub and then made a wish. Within 30 seconds hundreds upon hundreds of ducks start pouring through the doors of the bar. “What the hell,” said the bartender, “I wished for a million bucks.” To which the man replied, “Do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
That's the worst one yet, you get an award for that one Max
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Old 07-23-2005, 07:53 PM   #54
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oh no, i'm sure there are worse to come.
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Old 07-23-2005, 08:00 PM   #55
venusupnorth
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Blonde Year In Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked convertible using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:11 PM   #56
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A radical anarchist ex-con and his girlfriend are walking along the business district in Detroit one night. The ex-con is telling his girlfriend about the time when him and his buddies were working in a bike shop, and one day the owner had to go to a bike convention and left the run of the shop to them. "As soon as he left, man, we busted into the safe in the office and hid the money in the aluminum tubing of these bikes, and got outta there…"

So they were continuing along, and suddenly his girlfriend stops. He follows her gaze, and sees that she is staring at this beautiful Mikimoto pearl necklace. "You want that necklace?" the ex-con asks. She nods in response. "No problem," he replies. He then picks up a brick from the ground, hurls it through the window, triggering an alarm, reaches in, grabs the necklace, hands it to her, and continues walking along, nonchalantly.

So they continue up the block and around the corner, and soon the ex-con is talking again about his exploits, this time relating a story about his days as a furniture mover, and how he was being investigated by the authorities for carrying drugs, so he hid his stash in someone’s large-screen color TV, but he messed with the wiring slightly and later got it back, posing as a TV repairman, after the authorities couldn’t find the goods.

So, the girl stops again, this time staring at this really nice set of leather boots by Prada. "Would you like me to set you up with a discount?" the ex-con asks his girlfriend. Again, she nods in reply, and he reaches down, picks up another brick (there was a lot of construction going on in the area), hurls it through the window, triggering another alarm, grabs the boots, and gives them to her. Then they walk across the street, and walk to the end of the block and around the corner. The sound of sirens is becoming more audible now.

So they continue up the block, and the ex-con is starting to relate another story, when his girlfriend stops again. The ex-con looks over, following her gaze, and there is a car dealership. Inside the large display window, a brand new 2005 Mazarati is parked in all of its glistening splendor. The ex-con looks at this girlfriend, and asks her: "What do you think I am, made of bricks?"
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:15 PM   #57
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That was something known as a “Shaggy Dog Joke”
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Old 07-23-2005, 11:44 PM   #58
AllegroNg
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinzdale
Man goes into a bakers and says "Quick give me a loaf of bread!"
"Certainly sir, brown or white?"
"That's alright, I've got my bike outside"
Oh my god pleaase explain this one to me. Anyone.
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Old 07-24-2005, 12:01 AM   #59
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I am SO glad someone else admitted first that they didn't get that one!
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Old 07-24-2005, 01:49 AM   #60
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Quit being sarcastic!!

Oh... Knock knock. Who's there? Either. Either who? Either bunny.
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