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Old 10-20-2003, 11:32 PM   #16
fodder
 
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nobody talks, silence

anyone have experiences with someone that wont acknowledge power struggle or ignores/cant relate to it/etc
yeah this one was kind of pointless
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Old 10-21-2003, 01:34 AM   #17
lapietra
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It's not pointless... and, by the way... how funny the "Ignore" function was brought up - I just added someone to mine too... How nice it is!! like putting on deodorant... (Sorry fodder - hadn't read this before I sent you the PM...)

It's just... it's a hard question... it's an essential thing in a relationship, that balance... I remember a line from a movie a number of years back, in which a couple adopts a baby from a pregnant teen; she visits with them in the last months of her pregnancy and they get to know each other pretty well. One day she asks something like, "You guys seem to have a really great marriage... how do you make it work?" and the wife thinks about it for a minute and says, "Only one of us gets to be crazy at a time..."

I think as one matures one loses the need to control, and neediness in general.... it's all about fear, anyway, fear of losing the other person and being alone, fear of not getting what you want... fear of getting what you want and having not really be what you want... it seems like, once you're secure that you can supply all that for yourself, or you've answered those questions satisfactorily for yourself, that power struggle won't happen... the other person can just be who they are and you can be who you are and just enjoy each other... but sometimes it takes going through that struggle together to get to that place... a good argument for sticking out a difficult (non-violent or abusive) marriage...

Of course - I'm talking out of my butt because I've never had a successful romantic relationship Just thinking about what a good one might be like...
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Old 10-21-2003, 01:59 PM   #18
catbelly
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Sorry to disappear on you fodder, 'specially after I bugged you to post!

That is interesting LaLa ... I never connected maturity to the power balance, or the need for control, except in the really general sense of people who are less mature having more stuff to work out for themselves. Huh! Food for thought. I don't know if I agree, it seems that sometimes people need control *more* as they get older, but then getting older is not necessarily a sign of becoming more mature! LOL sad but true.

*watch out, stereotypes ahead*

fodder I don't know that when one is needy the other is backing away. A lot of people are caregivers, and they need to feel validated by taking care of the other person. IMO this is the stereotypical male/female relationship, where the guy has a lot of his needs taken care of by his female partner, who has been socialized to get self-worth from being a caregiver.

This is also kind of a stereotype, but the opposite situation, where the woman needs some support and the man is expected to give it, can lead to the situation you describe.... where the woman is perceived as "needy" and the man doesn't know how to be a caregiver - because he's not been socialized to do that.

Maybe it comes down to what each person wants, how closely those wants match what the other person wants, and how much each person is willing to compromise to get what he/she wants. IMO the power struggle happens when the partners are not willing to give anything up... my way or the highway, eh? Maybe this is where maturity comes in, a more mature person realizes that compromise is necessary whereas someone less mature might think, "if I give in I will be pvssy/dick-whipped forever!! Must stand my ground!!" or, more oblivious, "why can't I have what I want?! I just have to yell louder and be pushier, it always worked with mom and dad."
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Old 10-21-2003, 02:46 PM   #19
priceyfatprude
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Re: this is dumb, but

Quote:
Originally posted by fodder
in relationships, is it possible for two people to ever be equally as needy and receptive and reinforcing/validating, or is it always one person who is needy and the other is backing away and the roles switch, etc

or, is there anyway to get past inevitable unconscious power struggles in marriages/relationships/friendships

(even tho the latter is part of 'relationships' i just wanted to specify-- if the power struggle isnt inevitable in friendships then why not and how is that different, etc)
I think you take turns. Sometimes I'm needy, other times I am strong. *shrugs*
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Old 10-21-2003, 03:10 PM   #20
catbelly
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And the other person?
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Old 10-21-2003, 03:29 PM   #21
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(Originally posted by fodder
in relationships, is it possible for two people to ever be equally as needy and receptive and reinforcing/validating, or is it always one person who is needy and the other is backing away and the roles switch, etc)
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Old 10-21-2003, 04:48 PM   #22
catbelly
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My point is, you know what you are feeling but are you conscious of what the other person is feeling - regardless of whether you think they are being needy or strong or whatever.
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Old 10-21-2003, 05:09 PM   #23
priceyfatprude
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I think you have to be, kittentumtum, otherwise what kind of person are you?

How attractive is that, to talk to someone & have it be all about them? Then you try to volley something of your own into the conversation & they turn it right back around to them? I like it to be a give & take when I speak to someone, and try & ask about them first.

What I've done lately about that is said, quite sarcastically, "Oh, I'm sorry, let's get back to the part about me! ME!ME!ME!" The person will usually laugh.


So yeah, dear fodder, the roles should switch, depending on the needs of the people involved. I try to be as sensitive to others' needs as I can in a relationship, but at the same time, I don't own a crystal ball & some things I'll need help on.
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Old 10-21-2003, 08:24 PM   #24
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Fabulous PFP! I think you (not *you* you, "one" sounds so stilted) might not be a bad person, but you could be an oblivious person. Not having the crystal ball and all that, you know?

My experience right now with Mr. Belly is that communication is hard, no, make that HARD... even when we are trying. It's really simple to say "OK communicate better," it's something else to really *do* it. So... IMO, negotiating and compromising and all that stuff... it's very difficult and frustrating to actually do it, not because we're bad people, but our communication is all f'd up. We go along thinking that we are conscious of the other person, but we seem to miss the mark when it comes to really knowing what the other person finds important or hearing what the other person is really saying.

Hah. Marriage is not easy I must say.
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