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Old 03-25-2008, 12:22 PM   #1246
Stephi_B
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Dear Universe,

Please keep an eye on him,
so I don't have to worry (too much)...

Thank you very much in advance,
xox,
Stephi

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Old 03-25-2008, 01:21 PM   #1247
AllegroNg
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Dearest parents,
Please do not feed your children gassy foods right before their violin lesson.

Seriously,
Ms Angie
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:38 AM   #1248
priceyfatprude
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Dear New Girl,

You're smart, you're pretty, you're young, you're gonna change the world! I get all that.

Stop leaving your coffee, the splitter, your headset, your pad of paper, your pens, your phone list & cheat sheet I made you which you never bother to use, and your half eaten lunches on my desk. I am not your ****ing maid, Ms Diva Star.

Also please stop using bath & body works coconut musk lotion--it smells like coco cabana's older slutty cousin.
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Old 04-15-2008, 01:28 AM   #1249
brightpearl
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Dear boy of my acquaintance,

Oh dear.

I pray deeply that it's nothing serious and that your body recovers quickly, and that your heart grows some understanding that you're worthy of regard.

Pay close attention and you'll see that what you imagine are shortcomings are no hindrance to who you really are.

Aarrrrrghhh...
Sometimes I wish I could mother you as much as I wish I could father my own boy.

Sincerely,
brightpearl
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Old 04-15-2008, 03:32 AM   #1250
Frieda
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dear stinky colleague,

if you're going to tell me one more time that my body is broken, i will shatter your brain to pieces.

be warned.

me
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Old 04-16-2008, 01:50 AM   #1251
priceyfatprude
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Dear Boss

I ****ing love you to pieces. I love that you stopped a confidential meeting & called me in only to ask me what planet your Mars was in. Yes, I will plot everyone else's charts, too. I'm glad I found a boss who didn't dismiss me as the crazy lady in the corner mumbling about planets. I haven't plotted a chart in years, I forgot how much fun it was. Thanks for letting me be me.

xoxox,

Peef
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Old 05-12-2008, 07:04 PM   #1252
Brynn
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Hi David -
Have I mentioned how great I think you are, directing this thing?
Today I'm home for the first time in a long time and it is "Calendar Day/wtf Am I Doing w/ My Life For The Next 40 Days?" Day :-)
So I'm looking at my schedule and trying to coordinate various professional and familial demands...

About these plans to have a midnight show - I realize that you need the revenue of as many shows as possible and yes, in theory, it would be "fun" to do a midnight show, but here's my own reality check that perhaps I wasn't able to make clear when we were making plans.
All I ask is this - remember that awful sinking feeling you all had when I suggested we rehearse in the morning?
If we prepare for the worst, then if things turn out well, it will be a pleasant surprise. Right now, things are looking pretty ugly for me no matter what is decided.
So, say we do it. Let's take a lighthearted look at my schedule:

Thursday evening - I get a typical parent's "good" night's sleep of about six hours.

Friday
- my big milestone wedding anniversary. Up early at 7:00 am to get kids off to school. Work. Be home at 4:00 to make dinner and say hi to husband at 5:00.
Celebrate an impromptu anniversary until who knows when. Trying to create a safe space around this time. Turns out, husband was planning a surprise party, he revealed today.

Saturday
- up early at 8:00 am after a few hours of sleep to get 2 sons to different baseball games throughout the afternoon and cheer enthusiastically because I've yet to go to any games thus far because of this show. Prepare as inconspicuously as possible for performance w/ script on the bleachers while other parents' kids are up to bat.
8:00 performance
Nap unsuccessfully between shows on pile of something lumpy.
Midnight performance. Let's even say it's a fully advertised, fully booked house in advance - as in "more than ten people." Knowing myself quite well, at this point I may have enough adrenaline/caffeine to be able to suck it up enough to form full sentences and remember most of my lines. How's everyone's emergency improv abilities?

Sunday
- in bed by 2:30 am or 3:00 am or even 4:00 am depending on adrenaline levels desperately boosted by caffeine earlier.

I can cancel performance singing at church from 9:00am until 12:30, but I still have to awake at 8:00am anyway to feed kids. It's possible I can nap for an hour or two after, but extremely unlikely. It was suggested I could sleep in, but since I'm not single and in my twenties anymore, I laugh inwardly into a hopeless void.

2:00 trainwreck matinee
after not sleeping for at least six hours straight since Thursday. We all shrug it off, but unspoken resentment towards Brynn is palpable.

Strike.
Get ready to duck at flying objects, or worse, try to figure out what Brynn is trying to communicate through tears - something about a divorce or "keeping car between the white dotted lines on the black flat thingy that you drive on."
Some undefined time later - Throw dinner at kids at some point after "mashed potatoes lampshade docket but who broke the gang member activity?"

I just don't know. By the time the 2:00 performance/strike rolls around, my friend brightpearl's phrase "crap in the sack" keeps coming to mind.
I can cancel celebrating my anniversary until after doing an added show on Friday if only to avoid snapping his poor head off on Sunday evening.

Anyway, just wondering again what other options are besides this "hell weekend" we're looking at :-). I'll make things work, regardless, but just inquiring for humanitarian reasons...
Your best friend always and forever - and yes, I'm just going to hit "send" -
brynn
"competent on six hours, brilliant with eight, shuffles and mumbles on four" - sunday ny times
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Old 06-10-2008, 01:56 PM   #1253
auntie aubrey
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dear coworker:

no, i don't want to hear every horrible tragic miscarriage and pregnancy medical emergency you've ever read about. it's not your job to ensure that i shed every ounce of naive joy at the prospect of my own pregnancy. it may surprise you to know that i have doctors. i see a perinatal specialist every two weeks and not an appointment has slipped past without the doctor reminding me of the potential risks and complications of carrying multiples. i'm aware. adequately. your pessimistic reminders are unnecessary. if i seem happy in spite of all of the gloom and doom and horror that you see (or hope to see) on the horizon, it's not due to ignorance. i'm aware. i just choose a different perspective on life and it's not your responsibility to correct my outlook. i know what can happen. yes, i know sometimes women die. yes, i know sometimes babies die. why you've taken it upon yourself to remind me of this information daily is beyond me.

oh really, you know someone who hemorrhaged in the last week of her pregnancy because the baby jammed his foot through her previous c-section scar? that's wonderful news. i'm so glad you chose to share. and the email you sent me yesterday about how researchers found a correlation (although not causation) between the lack of sleep in mothers of twins and severe, debilitating depression? magnificent work. i'm still trying to determine what "help" you were providing by sending that study my way, but my my my how horrible would my life have been if i'd never read about that!

it makes me wonder whether you're simply so miserable that another person's happiness chafes you. it makes me wonder whether you see yourself as a saint, spreading your pessimism disguised as realism to those around you.

the topper was today, when i shared the speechless gratitude that i feel towards my mother-in-law because she has taken it upon herself to fully furnish our nursery as a surprise. you opened your mouth and cocked your head in what was certainly a prelude to something negative. i asked you to keep your negative commentary to yourself. your response was, if memory serves, "well the only thing i'll say is enjoy it because you'll hate her soon enough."

why?

why is that necessary? and after you've said something like that do you feel better? does it feel like a pressure cooker releasing a gush of steam? does the negativity build up with such intensity behind your palate that you simply cannot continue your work without expressing it?

on the one hand i feel sorry for you. because, as the queen of cynicism, i can assure you that you must be way beyond the pale if you've crossed a line with me.

on the other hand i don't really care to feel sorry for you. if you're satisfied living in such a dark, hateful, negative space where you can't even summon up a half-hearted "yay" for someone in their moment of happiness, then congrats on finding your center in the darkest part of your psyche.

here's how it's going to work: we're currently in step 1, where i simply tell you what i think of your commentary. i keep it light, with just enough admonishment to hopefully embarrass the impulse out of you, at least where i'm concerned. step 2 will be when i take you into a side room and tell you that you've crossed the line and you're not going to be making these comments anymore. you're not going to enjoy that conversation. frankly neither will i, but i'm willing to have it. step 3 is when our manager gets involved.

i'm hoping that sometime between step 1 and step 2 i can just go on bedrest so i don't have to sit next to you and listen to your running deathwatch commentary every day. oh, you know a woman who went on bedrest in week 25 and ended up with bed sores and the world's worst case of cabin fever? i realize you shared this with me because i apparently shrugged off the deadly seriousness of bedrest as something that i can probably survive without much psychic damage. thank you for correcting my perspective on it. i now know that the absolute worst thing that can happen to me is bedrest. until you think of something else to share that will be the world's worst thing that will happen to me.

in short, zip it. that includes turning halfway around in your chair at random moments throughout the day and sighing, "man... i'm so glad i didn't have twins. i don't know what you're going to do," and then turning back around again. it's so far beyond reasonable, rational, well-adjusted behavior that i don't even have words to address that. so just zip it.

zip.

it.

thank you.
most certainly not your auntie
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Old 06-10-2008, 09:42 PM   #1254
brightpearl
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Bravo, Auntie. Brav-OH.

And nothing horrible has ever happened to any one of the many pregnant women I've come across in my day job, because come hell or high water I make certain they eat properly and have a good doctor or midwife, which I know you are taking care of yourself. You're absolutely right that you and babies two will be fine despite Ms. Freakazoid's bizarre Munchausen deathwish by proxy.
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Old 06-10-2008, 09:50 PM   #1255
auntie aubrey
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^ munchausen deathwish by proxy is a fantastic summary of her behavior. it's like she needs horrible things to happen to others but isn't actually bringing the harm on others herself. she's just getting a thrill off of the misery of others and in the absence of misery she tries to create it.
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Old 06-10-2008, 10:01 PM   #1256
Jack Flanders
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^ I had a neighbor who was trying to mess with my hormonal brain when I first got pregnant. 5 months after I conceived , she got knocked up. Oh my poor bitten tongue. Being me, I took the high road and tried to avoid her. It wasn't easy, but the hub was a great watchdog.
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Old 06-11-2008, 07:32 PM   #1257
Frieda
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dear stinky colleague,

you're dutch, i'm dutch. don't speak english to me all day long. it's weird. your "heya andy what's up mate" when you're talking on the phone with the british CIO is totally out of line. you're not only putting your stupidity on display, but you're also embarrassing everyone.

and "i'll check it out", "how are you doing today" and "whatcha wanna drink from the mean machine" pisses me off. ffs, speak DUTCH! the whole department is dutch! whatever language you try, i will reply in dutch.

YOU'RE A FWKING MORON!

thank you for your time.

me
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Old 07-04-2008, 10:55 AM   #1258
trisherina
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Dear Mr. Hitchens:

I have a great idea. Spend a weekend in a maximum-security federal prison. Whilst there, make every effort to carve out as much privacy for yourself as you can. Wear lip balm and shower at length.

Report on subsequent events! We shall all be impressed.

Best,
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Old 07-04-2008, 06:20 PM   #1259
priceyfatprude
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Quote:
Originally Posted by auntie aubrey View Post
here's how it's going to work: we're currently in step 1, where i simply tell you what i think of your commentary. i keep it light, with just enough admonishment to hopefully embarrass the impulse out of you, at least where i'm concerned. step 2 will be when i take you into a side room and tell you that you've crossed the line and you're not going to be making these comments anymore. you're not going to enjoy that conversation. frankly neither will i, but i'm willing to have it. step 3 is when our manager gets involved.
Holy. Carp.

I hate that in corporate America you aren't allowed to say to anyone, "Please don't speak to me anymore about anything that isn't work related." How I wish I could. On a daily basis.

How is it going now?
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Old 07-04-2008, 08:32 PM   #1260
brightpearl
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Dear daughter of some friends of some relatives of mine,

Well, it was nice of you to invite me.
However, the irritation I felt at suspecting that you were trying to set me up with your brother was only mildly tempered by the relief that you weren't hitting on me yourself.

What on earth would make you think he might be interested in me?!?
I met his ex fiancee at that dinner party a couple of years ago, you know. The only thing I remember about her is that she had enormous tits. And you and I both know perfectly well that he ripped her heart out by cheating on her with a girl who had even bigger tits.

And here I am over here, in the steadfastly normal range.

Besides, though he's nice to look at and I have to admit that his beurre blanc is excellent...

he's sort of a douchebag.

I'm sorry, but sometimes there's just no other word to really capture someone's essence.

So, um, NO.

In fact, HAYLE No.

But I hope you have a nice time. Go easy on the sauce.

Sincerely,
brightpearl
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