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Old 02-26-2007, 02:23 AM   #2581
ambo
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare . "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Old 02-26-2007, 02:32 AM   #2582
Jack Flanders
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Big belly laugh -hahaha!!!!
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Old 02-26-2007, 10:37 AM   #2583
trisherina
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Ewan McGregor on Top Gear. But I can't find the youtube clip.
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Old 03-03-2007, 03:26 PM   #2584
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Old 03-03-2007, 03:29 PM   #2585
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Hair clippings included!!
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Old 03-04-2007, 02:16 PM   #2586
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A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"
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Old 03-04-2007, 07:23 PM   #2587
auntie aubrey
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some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.
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Old 03-04-2007, 08:44 PM   #2588
Avalon
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Yeah, I'm easily entertained .....

David Letterman's Top Ten:
Messages Left On Britney Spearsí Answering Machine

10. "Itís Bill Clinton. I hear youíre confused and vulnerable.
Call me."

9. "Hi, Britney. Good news ó we now have a revolving door at
the rehab center."

8. "Al Gore here. Youíre contributing to global warming
because your new look is hot!"

7. "Itís K-Fed. Who woulda thought Iíd look like the
responsible one?"

6. "Itís Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix
the mess on Donaldís head?"

5. "Iím calling from ĎAmerican Idolí: Would you like to
replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?"


4. "NASA calling ó we think you might be astronaut material."

3. "Carol Channing here, I want my wig back, bitch!"


2. "Hey, itís Paris. Are we still on for sluttiní it up
this weekend?"

1. "This is the hair salon. You left your underpants here."
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Old 03-05-2007, 01:58 AM   #2589
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:20 PM   #2590
AllegroNg
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Shake It Don't Break It..

Is it art?
Will you laugh? Or cry?

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Old 03-08-2007, 10:19 AM   #2591
daverbee
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No,"
he replied, "Arthritis."
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Old 03-09-2007, 03:34 AM   #2592
Jaime
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Quote:
Originally Posted by auntie aubrey
some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.
Haha, that's a great story.
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Old 03-10-2007, 10:33 PM   #2593
trisherina
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Old 03-10-2007, 10:48 PM   #2594
lostsadie
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Quote:
shake it don't break it
That made me Laugh...

But, once I was invited to baby shower(never seen anything like it), there was a cooler of beer, men, and a bunch of toddlers. We were in the MS delta. Anyhow, they put on the music and I was shown by a three year old how that is done. She was still in diapers. That made me want to cry. ( BTW, she was really good at it)
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Old 03-11-2007, 01:10 AM   #2595
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I'd rather be making out.
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