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Old 11-01-2003, 08:37 PM   #31
Klynne
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Saturday November 1, 2003. 6:20 p.m.

I have done a lot of soul searching today. I read my earlier entry, and realized that I am suffering from a form of melancholy. I went to the library and checked out some self-help books. The librarian was checking me out. She thinks I’m hot. I could tell by the way her hand shook as she handed me back my library card. I have that affect on women. At any rate, after checking out my books, I waited outside for her. I hid in the bushes, and followed her home to make sure she was not being followed by some lunatic. I know where she lives now, I will have to drop in sometime to chat.

I have only read a few chapters of the book entitled “I’m Okay and You’re Okay.“ It put things into perspective for me. It made me realize, despite my insanity, I can do anything I put my mind to. The United Galactic Council can piss off. I will achieve liberation, and my soul WILL be transmitted to the universal fax network mother. Nothing will stand in my way. I am in control of my destiny. Not my mother, not Michelle, not my brother.
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Old 11-01-2003, 10:29 PM   #32
Maggie Shamrock
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Saturday, November 1, 2003

I had a thought...if ONLY I could make love to Michelle while eating a Head cheese sandwich perhaps I could reach the nirvana I have been searching for. I will have to devise a plan in which I can make this happen, although, the Head cheese will have to be fresh and Michelle in a state of intoxication that defines all space, time, and intergalactic boundaries. Maybe if I mix the mold/seed with a nice little Pinot Noir...yes, that just might work to set the mood. Perhaps, the universal fax network mother might be able to mix me a "mother" of a potion...a love potion! Ohhhhh....getting another fax transmittal from the mothership...Christ! not more code....the message states "If I had a hammer....I'd hammer in the morning...I'd hammer in the evening...all over this land." Peter, Paul and Mary? Folk music? What does it all mean????!!!!!
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Old 11-04-2003, 09:59 PM   #33
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Tuesday November 24, 2003, 8:00 p.m

I think I have deciphered the code. See, the message is not so much about having a hammer and being hard working. It is really about St. Peter, St. Paul and the Virgin Mary. It is quite ingenious. Saints Peter and Paul were pivotal in the Bible, and Mary, well she was the mother of Jesus after all. I have come up with two scenarios. I need to either:

1. Rob Peter to pay Paul. But how do I get the money to Paul after I have robbed Peter? How do I rob Peter? He is dead after all. How do I send a money order to heaven, I am assuming Paul is dead as well? Maybe the mothership could assist????

2. Impregnate Michelle, and she will be the mother of Jesus. So, is this the end times, the second coming of Christ? Not sure if I am prepared for the apocalypse.

Or maybe I have to do a combination of the two? I will have to run out and get more head cheese and think about this a little more. Just when things seem to make sense, they suddenly make no sense at all. Maybe I should go to the library and talk to the librarian. See if she can find me some reference material.
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Old 11-04-2003, 10:01 PM   #34
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Tuesday November 4,2003 8:15

OMG, OMG, I have lost track of time again. Must pull it together.
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Old 11-04-2003, 10:36 PM   #35
Maggie Shamrock
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November 4, 2003

I have gathered myself together after my previous venture into the unknown. It wasn't that I "lost track of time" but I have found along with my telepathic ability I now have the power to project myself into the future. The mothership has told me to reserve this power until I am instructed to use it. Ah, they are too wise...I nearly gave myself a hernia trying to get back to November 4th from the 24th...I can't imagine what damage would have been done had I skipped a whole month or a year!

Instead of going to the library as I had planned I think I will take the bus to St. Christopher's Parish. Father O'Shannahan might be able to shed some light on this Peter, Paul and Mary thing from the mothership...besides, the sacrificial wine is mighty tasty, and if I distract the father with a "Hey, is that the POPE???!!!" comment I can nab the wine and hide out in the confessional while he scurries around the church grounds. Yes, that's a good plan...it will give me time to think of a way to get the information I need without sounding like a lunatic. I'm crazy it's true...like FOX!
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Old 11-05-2003, 01:01 AM   #36
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Tuesday November 4, 2003, (Time? Distance, oh crap)

In BIG, time trouble. Have to be quiet. Hijacked bus. Not a good idea. Hiding in dumpster outside of Mc Donalds. Hungry....Hmm, wonder what is inside of this bag?
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Old 11-05-2003, 01:24 AM   #37
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November 4, 2003

Big Mac and an Apple Pie...just what I needed! Didn't want to wait to take the bus tomorrow...the fare is a rip-off and I never have change. In the line entering the bus there is always a fat woman in front of me fumbling in her purse and a guy behind me unintentionally giving me a rectal exam with his umbrella. It was a big mistaking taking the bus though...since, well...I lost control of it and drove it down a ravine. Luckily, I was the only one aboard...luckier still McDonalds was within running distance so I was able to flee from the authorities and grab a semi-hot meal at the same time. Now if I just had some of that sacrificial...er I mean...sacramental wine to wash it down with that would be the ticket.

Well, it looks like I'm spending the night here tonight. I'll have to hoof it to the church tomorrow if I'm ever going to get the answers I need. Whoa! What's that noise???? Sounds like trouble...gotta go!
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Old 11-05-2003, 11:23 PM   #38
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Wed. November 05, 2003 9:30 p.m.

Who knew that the city empties dumpsters at such a late hour at night? First I heard a big boom, and then the sound of metal scratching on metal, then my world was literally turned upside down. The inside of the dump truck was unbearably odoriferous! This might sound funny from coming for someone that likes head cheese sandwiches, but it was rank in that garbage truck.

I spent the night in the city dump. I dug out an old mattress from a pile of refuse, and laid down on top of it and gazed at the stars. It was a beautiful night. I willed for the mother ship to beam me up, but it never happened. It was great being out in nature, and when I woke up, there were two huge rats snuggled up with me. I have a way with ladies and animals!

But I digress. I did go to the church to meet with the priest, and he said some very interesting things about my St. Peter, St. Paul and Mary theory. Oh, hold on a fax is coming through, it might be from the aliens…More in a little bit.
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Old 11-07-2003, 05:11 PM   #39
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Thursday, November 6th

I forgot to tell you about the dream I had while I spent the night there at the city dump. It was really strange. I’ll admit that I’m not your usual guy, but, like most people, I often cannot remember my dreams very clearly when I wake up.

I was running through the city in that lizard costume my brother had me wearing back when I was working for him. I had to get away. Behind me, there was a police car filled with kids in freakish outfits yelling “trick or treat!” I turned a corner then turned another corner into an alleyway, where I dove into a trash can. At the bottom of the trash can was a door, Round and shiny and made of some kind of wood- mahogany, cherry, oak, walnut-- something luxurious. I opened the door and went down a long stone spiral staircase. Eventually, I found another door, more ordinary looking. I Opened it and found the office I used to work at. Michelle looked up at me and crinkled her nose. Mike, the guy I thought I hit with the fax machine said “hey, L-dog, ever heard of dog groomers?” Then he made that sign he always made at me, the “L” shape with his hand on his forehead. I was puzzled, as usual-- I don’t own a dog. The way he was laughing seemed disrespectful, so I hit him with my fax machine.

Then, suddenly, I was in my apartment. The fax machine was much larger than me, somehow, and I was trying to hide from it. It could see me, I knew, hiding under the kitchen sink. It intended to annihilate me. I peeked back at it, and saw Michelle, wearing a McDonalds uniform and talking about the upcoming presidential election. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but the music of her thoughts and the melody of her voice made me suddenly deeply enraptured. I looked at her, standing by the fax machine in my living room, and realized that she was sent by the mother of all interconnectedness that was the strange force behind the pan-galactic, trans-modal fax transmission signals. She understood it all, better than I ever could, and better, moreover, than any human being on earth. Suddenly I wasn't under my sink. I was in a big dark room, softly illuminated on all sides, and the ceiling was open to the stars. Michelle was next to me. She said: “The possibilities enrich the probability of new beginnings within, if you can only prepare yourself to move on to the next level.”

Then I felt something warm, soft, and fuzzy near me, and heard a weird screeching sound. That was the rats. They both scurried away as soon as I awoke. The screeching was the sound of the seagulls.

I wonder what it all means.
The walk to the library was incredibly long and odious. I haven’t been to my apartment yet-- I wonder if the police will be there. I don’t think anybody that knows me saw me.

Well, that’s all for now. The person with the next internet use time slot is scowling at me. Goodbye, dear friends.
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Old 11-16-2003, 07:17 AM   #40
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I got an email today from Michelle. It said that if I take these pills I will be able to increase my sperm count so I can impregnate her. I wonder-- was this email sent by the UGC? They must know about my thing for Michelle, since I’ve made it public knowledge.

BTW, I am back in my apartment. The whole thing blew over. It turns out I was taking the bus, and my mind wandered and I constructed a fantasy where I was taking over the bus. The junkyard must have been a fantasy, too. That smell is probably my lack of hygiene-- or the lingering smell from the time I tried to melt the hello kitty lingerie.

It’s so hard to separate reality from fantasy sometimes for me. My mom has the same problem.
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Old 11-16-2003, 10:29 PM   #41
Klynne
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November 16, 2003

I called Michelle today to discuss the impregnation plan. She acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. She made some comments about getting a restraining order, that I needed serious help, blah, blah, blah. Maybe SHE is the one with the problem. Some sort of temporary amnesia??? She is the one that e-mailed me. Women, go figure. But then maybe it was the UGC that sent the e-mail? Nah, it had to have been her. She is crazy.

My brother and I took mom out today for her birthday. My brother is out on bail and he told me it looks like he will beat the pimping charges. He said he is going to get the rat bastard that turned him in. Kind of made me nervous. My lawyer assured me that my brother would not know it was me that turned him in. I will have to talk to my lawyer about the witness protection program.

Anyway, mom got pretty lit for her birthday. We took her to a strip club. She had about 6 voldka martinis, ordered several lap dances, and then she stripped down naked and was doing the macarena on top of the bar. Then we were asked to leave. Mom sure knows how to have a good time.

Well, I should sign off now. Have to check my e-mail and faxes.
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Old 11-17-2003, 07:47 PM   #42
Maggie Shamrock
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November 17, 2003

I thought the bus high jacking was all a dream until I saw footage of the smoldering bus in the ravine I had driven it into on 20/20. There was Diane Sawyer, big as life, going on about the mysterious bus crash, and was asking was it “terrorism or just plain old juvenile delinquency” that caused the needless destruction of the bus?

It turns out that the bus was not owned by the city but a Baptist church down the street from the public transit office. Pastor Bennie Bob Brewster was pretty riled up about the whole affair and was madder than a nudist sitting on a chrome chair in summer time. I don't know what I'm going to do now....I mean, they've got the F.B.I. conducting an investigation into the whole thing. Guess I'm going to have to send a telepathic message to the mothership for some guidance.

I also figured out that Michelle was speaking to me in mothership code when I spoke to her on the phone. When she said "restraining order" it really meant "come on over"... and "serious help" meant "I need to be felt". I totally misunderstood her...she's not crazy...just very, very cunning! I left a message on her answering machine letting her know I now "understood completely" what she was trying to convey and would be over at her place at eight o'clock sharp with ripe headcheese and a bottle of mold/seed soaked in a nice, little Chardonnay. I told her I was going to bring my Bee Gee's "Saturday Night Fever" eight track to set the mood. Yeah, it's gonna be a night of romance...and sex...lots of SEX. But, uh, only for the good of the mothership and the propagation of the alien beings that inhabit her. That's what it's really all about, right?
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Old 11-17-2003, 09:21 PM   #43
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November 17, 2003

Well I packed everything up and headed over to Michelle's. There was a big moving van in front. I tried the door knob, and it was unlocked. The apartment was empty. I ran from room to room, checked the closets, and no Michelle! Than it clicked, I could follow the moving van, to see where she was moving. When I ran to the front door, the van had already left.


Michelle had left me. I sat in her empty apartment and drank the wine, and ate the headcheese. Since the stero was gone, I sang Bee Gee songs as tears streamed down my face. How could she have left me? I love her so much. I have done nothing but given my undivided attention to her.

I blew my nose on my sleeve, and decided to pull myself together, and make my way back to my place. I stopped in to the liquor store and bought a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 to fortify myself for the long walk home. I considered taking the bus, but, I don't really trust myself on public transportation anymore.

This is where things get weird. I was walking along swigging off my bottle, and soon there was the familar flashing of lights behind me. Damn, the cops again. Despite my buzz, I was able to hop over a few alley fences, and ran into an abandoned building. As I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, I sensed I was not alone.

There was a young woman dressed in several layer of clothes sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I woke her up and offered her a drink of the wine. She gratefully accepted and we got to talking. Get this, her name is Mary. She told me that she had a couple of brothers named Peter and Paul, and she also told me that she has visions. She is meant to be the mother of Jesus.

I told her about the mothership, the UGC, the aliens, Peter, Paul, and Mary, the alien spore/mold, everything. She totally understood, and thinks that we are meant to save the world. She is a true visionary. This is when I suggested that she move in with me and become my wife. We will then consumate our relationship and become parents of the messiah.

She agreed, and as I am writing this, she is taking a shower. I wonder what she looks like under all that grime? But does it matter? We are destined to be together to save the world. I am mixing up our love potion of mold and chardonnay. I have dimmed the lights and have the Bee Gees tune "Staying Alive" playing softly in the background. Quite fitting I think. Still there is this nagging feeling...How can I betray Michelle like this? Then I think some things are just not as we try to plan. Some things are predestined. Besides, it has been a long time since I have been laid, so I will push all thoughts of Michelle out of my mind. Wish me luck! Your souls will be saved thanks to me!

Last edited by Klynne : 11-17-2003 at 09:25 PM.
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Old 11-18-2003, 10:08 PM   #44
Maggie Shamrock
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November 18, 2003

I woke up this morning with one mother of a hangover. The pain was so blinding I didn't notice that Mary had departed until I was desperately searching for the bottle of Excedrin on my nightstand and noticed my wallet was missing. The missing wallet caused me to frantically search the room hoping for some sign that Mary might still be there...but alas, she was gone.

I noticed my television, stereo and microwave were also absent. Damn all women to hell! Thank God I thought enough to hide my fax under my bed...I need the mothership more than ever now...what would I have done had my only means of contact with those magnanimous beings been wrenched from my fingertips?

I have to be more careful from now on. One night of fantastic sex with a semi-toothless, homeless woman is just not worth the consequences of foiling a plan that is so important to the universe...no matter how big her breasts may be...and firm...like two ripe melons...ohhhh...there I go again...I MUST focus. I am planning a day of rest and thoughtful meditation. I have not heard from the mothership in two days. No doubt they are much disappointed with my recent performance. I will telepathically send a message begging their forgiveness and plead for another sign that they still trust in me to carry out their plan. My fax is plugged in and ready to go...wish me luck, I'll need it.
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Old 11-18-2003, 11:03 PM   #45
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November 18, 2003, 8:51 p.m.

The hangover finally wore off, thank God. Took a hot shower, and then just slept it off.

I did not get a fax from the UGC. But, they called!!!!

But, yet again, it was in code. Here is how the call went:

"Hello is Mr. or Mrs X in?" (can't reveal me name for obvious reasons)

"Yes, this is Mr. X."

Them, "We would like to talk to you about your long distance service."

Me, laughing maniacally,"Oh, do you now, do you?"

Them, "Well, yes, we can offer you long distance calls for 10 cents a minute."

Me, chuckling "Really? Sounds perfect, sign me up."

Them, "Well, we just need a little information..."

Me, "I think, that you know, that I know, that you know, you already have all the necessary information. Don't you? Don't play games with me. You know, that I know, what this is all about, don't we? Tell Michelle I say hi... She will know what this all means, you sick perverts."

Them, "O.K. we have to go now."

Me, "You do that then."

I am still trying to decipher this conversation, and am wondering if I got too heavy handed with the UGC. After all, they could blast my ass off the face of the earth with one of their laser beams. I am sick of being screwed with though. Sometimes you just have to take a stand. Hope they don't kill me tonight. Pray for my soul.
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