let's vainly babble together

i had all of this energy. but it just faded away into the music or got washed off in the shower. i don't want to go to bed because then i'll wake up and it will be tomorrow. i don't want to stay up and write because the thoughts aren't there like they were earlier. i don't want to read, or practice guitar or lay still and thoughtful.

all day i have been thinking about how it's not very interesting. looking around at my teacher and students, watching people walk in the hallways, waiting at bus stops, it's just not interesting. sometimes when i watch people and feel them around me, i feel comfortable like we have some kind of bond by being subject to disappointed fantasies and our banal routines. i try and dress it up with drama. i've tried imaging a parallel fantasy world in my head and comparing it to real life, but it gets confusing and takes me over.

i just feel the knawing and occasionally succomb to brief dramatic explosions. other than that, i walk around wondering how it can be this boring. it's slowly sinking in: regular life is a logical series of events that all lead to one another and random coincidences. there aren't any cosmic ties or beautiful miracles. all of those are just perceptions from optimistic or hopeful minds.

really, we're just walking around like squirrels. not thinking about anything but living and living well. art just passes the time, studying just makes conversation more enjoyable, hobbies just make you forget your limits.

honestly, it's depressing. i lost my hope and my vague beliefs in irrational sense making. the beliefs that spun my head with colorful scarves and glitter and sunsets lay beneath my feet as i walk. i try not to scorn as i hear people mention signs or mystery.

we all try to make it more exciting and interesting. some of us get hobbies, or create problems for ourselves, or pursue big goals and be the best we can. i try to do all of them, but i'm not sure it works. i have hobbies, but i'm still alone in my own head at the end of the day. i create problems for myself, but it doesn't bring me the same relief it did before. i try to be ambitious and productive, but it feels too far off to grasp. i walk around with my hands open to reach and grab things but my fingers are heavy and tired.

babble at me i babbled at you