You ever write one of those emails you hope will get through?

[beckstra]

I was at the zoo today. I was sitting in the aquarium with my sister and our friend Kate, and it was so quiet. Leah was laying in Kristin's lap looking up at the sharks swiming around. It's so fun that she's noticing things bigger than herself now. We were by the wall of anemones and she was reaching out to touch them...it was awesome. But back to sitting with the sharks...


I thought about you, about how nice it was that time we were there at the zoo, the two of us. When we were leaning over the rail with the tiny little garden eels, when we were in the walk-thru with all those noisy kids. I remember how you chalked up all your lonliness and hurt to being a homeschooled kid, and all I could think was how interesting that the rest of the home-schooled kids I knew weren't so mal-adjusted to public life, or life in general.


I realized you were hiding. I wish I would have mentioned it then, and I think I remember doing so in some small way that you likely didn't catch on to (because I'm not all that great at being subtle...most people miss my subtlties completely anyway), but I wish I had mentioned something. I see it in your writing, I saw it in the way you would get so down on yourself. I know we're all searching for ourselves, but I get this strange feeling you know...or at least have a good clue of who you are.


All I can encourage you to do is just be that. Without shame, without fear. If that person needs help finding their spot on this earth, get help, but don't cage that person and hide them away. If that person has dreams bigger than you think can be attained, screw it, go after those dreams anyway. I just don't think that you're as indecisive as you show us. Heh, you've shown us you're not indecisive. In fact, you're pretty good at making finite decisions, just make the right one.


I don't want to be friends with a pretender. In fact, I've currently let go of two people in my life who've decided to pretend. One decided to rely on who she is in Christ to get her by. The other decided to write me off before she even gave herself a chance to remember who I was, she pretended that I was everyone else in her life. I mean, yes, I may be finding myself, kicking and screaming the whole way, but I'm learning, trying to let go of all the masks and insecurities. I haven't totally figured it out, but I'm working on it.


You don't have to be the person you want to be. Usually that person is a big letdown compared to who you are. Be who you be. (Sounds like a Sprite commercial, does it not?) Eventually who you are will come full circle and will be better than you imagined.


Anyway, I know I'll likely never be able to help in the ways you want someone to, but at the very least I have ears...and I'll always be willing to pay your way in to the zoo.