eat an elephant

[JesusTitties]

"Elephant - Poaching them for their ivory tusks is illegal, but fighting them mano e elephanto and then eating them is an afternoon! And afterwards, what the hell, pick your teeth with the tusks. Who's going to complain? Not the elephant."

Whenever I go out to eat, I always comb through the menu for specific words: shark, snake, grizzly, etc. It's not that I don't like more standard dishes. I love a good steak as much as the next guy, but that sort of thing just doesn't excite me anymore. I hunger for danger foods. By my definition, a danger food is any animal that can take me in a fair fight. The way I see it, if it could have killed me when it was alive, I get to eat it once it's dead. In fact, it's my civic duty to do so. For example, a shark could rip me apart with its rows of razor sharp teeth. Thus, I get to turn it into poop.

The circle of life continues. On the other hand, a cow, while large enough to do some serious damage if it fell on me, is a stupidly docile animal. I could walk up to a cow and starting eating it right then and there, and it still wouldn't put up a fight until it was nothing but udder and hooves. Chicken?

For all the flapping and noise, the chicken is nonetheless a nonthreatening creature. I could win that fight. Pork? Pigs can eat a lot in a short amount of time, but they'll look right down the barrel of a gun and expect a candy treat. No real challenge, there.

Crocodiles, bears, gorillas, elephants, tigers - God gave these animals sharp claws, jagged teeth, enormous physical size, and incredible strength with which to defend themselves. Logic dictates that if we can get good food from animals that are easily killable, we can get much better, tastier food from animals that require work. Now you environmentalists might say, "wait, aren't some of those animals endangered?"

You're damn right, they are. That's why we have to eat them now, before they disappear! To that end, I am forming a new group, Eating Lethal and Endangered Animals While They're Alive (ELEAWTA). This organization shall be dedicated to sampling all of God's most dangerous, and therefore most delectable creatures. We will not be deterred from our goal, even if the World Wildlife Federation ties us up and beats us unconscious with their complimentary tote bags.

ELEAWTA will not be a group based on frivolity. We will have monthly meetings, all of which will adhere to the following schedule, which I have painstakingly devised:

1. Think of a dangerous and endangered animal.

2. Come up with a way to kill said animal in one-on-one combat.


You know, except for the animals.
3. Go to wherever the animal is found. If possible, travel by helicopter. They're neat.

4. Kill animal before it goes extinct.

5. Eat animal.