Returning the compliment... - ZEFRANK.COM

LCW · 11-11-2003, 11:12 AM

...as my buds got such a giggle out of the are you going to hell test. I thought I'd pass this one on from them. Not a test, but very very funny all the same

CHOOSING A NEW BATHING SUIT

Apparently a true e-mail woman wrote to her friend after shopping for a bathing suit.

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you
manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.

I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skinbathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with shorts style
bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge
friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said
"Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it
anyway.....

I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand

Enjoy the giggle

Klynne · 11-11-2003, 08:43 PM

Too funny.

It reminds me of a story my younger brother told me. He was vacationing in Thailand with my older brother, and their girlfriends. My younger brother left his swimming trunks at home, and he had to purchase some new trunks. He found some he liked, and wore them to the beach. He went into the water, and when he came out, my older brother and their girlfriends were staring at him with their mouths agape. He had purchased white trunks, that became see through once wet.

agentsmith · 11-12-2003, 01:25 AM

agape is a funny word.

priceyfatprude · 11-12-2003, 01:31 AM

Now I have this song running thru my head:

What a man
you know it's a bright and shiny day
I want to say something to you
I love you just like Ja do

We know a place
where Ja's people can run free
a new kind of love
and we call it agape

Don't take too long to find
true love transcends all time
that non-reacting, everlasting love

Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return

Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return

Don't try to change or tear your
brother down
let him make his mistakes
and he will come around
hasten just to pray and Ja's true
word obey
in non-reacting, everlasting love

Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return

Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return

Give me your unconditional love
my torn heart to discern
this agape love to learn

Give me your unconditional love
my torn heart to discern
this agape love to learn

Hasten just pray and Ja's true
word obey
in non-reacting, everlasting love

Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return
Give me your unconditional love
the kind of love I deserve
the kind I want to return
Give me your unconditional love
my torn heart to discern
this agape love to learn
Give me your unconditional love
my torn heart to discern
this agape love to learn
Give me your unconditional love
my torn heart to discern
this agape love to learn

Unconditional Love-- Donna Summer w/Musical Youth, circa 1985

agentsmith · 11-12-2003, 01:33 AM

AGAPE! AGAPE!

LCW · 11-12-2003, 08:08 AM

LOL

You ladies are funny

O.O @ your lil bro Klynne

11-11-2003, 11:12 AM	#1
LCW monkey Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Lewisham, London, UK Posts: 144	Returning the compliment... ...as my buds got such a giggle out of the are you going to hell test. I thought I'd pass this one on from them. Not a test, but very very funny all the same CHOOSING A NEW BATHING SUIT Apparently a true e-mail woman wrote to her friend after shopping for a bathing suit. I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skinbathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway..... I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand Enjoy the giggle __________________ Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Wind, Sand an Stars

11-12-2003, 01:25 AM	#3
agentsmith rap geisha Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: . Posts: 5,588	agape is a funny word. __________________ ----------- "Genesis: First, I'd like to say reality is invisible to the naked eye. You and me both know that life is a real bitch. Doing your best, you say? That's not good enough."

11-12-2003, 01:31 AM	#4
priceyfatprude girthy pickles Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: under your desk Posts: 9,313	Thanks agent Now I have this song running thru my head: What a man you know it's a bright and shiny day I want to say something to you I love you just like Ja do We know a place where Ja's people can run free a new kind of love and we call it agape Don't take too long to find true love transcends all time that non-reacting, everlasting love Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Don't try to change or tear your brother down let him make his mistakes and he will come around hasten just to pray and Ja's true word obey in non-reacting, everlasting love Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Give me your unconditional love my torn heart to discern this agape love to learn Give me your unconditional love my torn heart to discern this agape love to learn Hasten just pray and Ja's true word obey in non-reacting, everlasting love Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Give me your unconditional love the kind of love I deserve the kind I want to return Give me your unconditional love my torn heart to discern this agape love to learn Give me your unconditional love my torn heart to discern this agape love to learn Give me your unconditional love my torn heart to discern this agape love to learn Unconditional Love-- Donna Summer w/Musical Youth, circa 1985 __________________ "We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"

11-12-2003, 01:33 AM	#5
agentsmith rap geisha Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: . Posts: 5,588	AGAPE! AGAPE! __________________ ----------- "Genesis: First, I'd like to say reality is invisible to the naked eye. You and me both know that life is a real bitch. Doing your best, you say? That's not good enough."

11-12-2003, 08:08 AM	#6
LCW monkey Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Lewisham, London, UK Posts: 144	LOL You ladies are funny O.O @ your lil bro Klynne __________________ Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Wind, Sand an Stars

11-11-2003, 08:43 PM	#2
Klynne monkey Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Grand Rapids, MI Posts: 4,543	Too funny. It reminds me of a story my younger brother told me. He was vacationing in Thailand with my older brother, and their girlfriends. My younger brother left his swimming trunks at home, and he had to purchase some new trunks. He found some he liked, and wore them to the beach. He went into the water, and when he came out, my older brother and their girlfriends were staring at him with their mouths agape. He had purchased white trunks, that became see through once wet.

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