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xerocs · 12-30-2003, 02:29 PM

Coffee in the Sky with Diamonds

Coffee houses and espresso bars are popping up all over America, allowing anybody to conveniently experience the joys of java. This is great news for recreational drinkers, but for those who are unable to drink responsibly, the unprecedented availability of concentrated caffeine presents a serious problem. I should know. My name is Mark, and I'm a javaholic.

I inherited the addiction from my father. That man could polish off a pound of coffee faster than you can say "cream 'n' sugar." He eventually lost his job because of the caffeine jitters that constantly plagued him. (Dad was a member of the police bomb squad.) When I was 15, a so-called friend offered me some coffee he found under his older brother's mattress. I hesitated, recalling what I had learned about the beverage's harmful effects. One laboratory test proved that rats who consume large amounts of caffeine are involved in more automobile accidents than their decaffeinated counterparts. Another study concluded that coffee-drinking rabbits have an unusually high rate of marital problems and job-related difficulties. But, as reckless, thrill-seeking youngsters often do, I ignored my misgivings and drank the coffee. My friend was right. Coffee made everything better. Conversation was easy and meaningful, and anything I ate tasted great. I was hooked.

Common canned brands were fine at first. They were cheap and effective. But then I began to crave bigger kicks. I experimented with exotic, potent varieties: Columbian Supreme, Peruvian Perfecto, Costa Rican Red, Hawaiian Black. You name it, I swallowed it. I soon became a full-time abuser. I spent all my money on coffee beans and related paraphernalia, including grinders, percolators, drip brewers, espresso machines and filters. My behavior became increasingly erratic. I once dismantled and reassembled my pickup in thirty minutes. I don't know why I did it. Caffeine makes a man do strange things.

Coffee ripped my world apart. Having lost all respect for their dad, my kids often called me "Bean Head" and "Mr. Coffee." My wife, sick of the constant stench of my "brew breath," ran away with a handsome cola drinker. Like my father before me, I lost a prestigious, well-paying job. A man with shaky hands shouldn't be a neurosurgeon.

Then, one Sunday morning, I hit rock bottom. After a restless night's sleep, I woke up and frantically consumed my last few ounces of Maui Mocha Brava Java. I wanted more. I needed more. I called my supply guy, the biggest coffee dealer in the state. No answer. I ran to my neighbor's house, hoping to borrow a few precious beans. Before I could knock on the door, I noticed the "Proud To Be Caffeine-Free" decal in the window. Just my luck. Desperate, I drove to a nearby convenience store. My body convulsed as I poured myself the hideously huge Five-Gallon Goliath Gulp. Seeing that I was already over the edge, the clerk refused to sell me the coffee. I grabbed a heat-'n'-eat corndog and beat him to a pulp. After binding his hands with a Slim Jim and stuffing a frozen burrito in his mouth, I greedily guzzled the steaming nectar and made my getaway.

I burned rubber from the parking lot and turned on the radio. Music never sounded or looked so good. I actually
SAW words, notes, chords and guitar riffs coming from the speakers. The groovy hallucinations continued as I watched the passing scenery. Colors were so vivid, so tangible. I saw a purple dragon, a friendly two-headed unicorn and Juan Valdez with his funny little mule. I saw Coffee In the Sky with Diamonds. The world was beautiful and I was flying.

The police found me at a local high school. I was running laps and babbling incoherently. According to doctors in the emergency room, I had consumed enough caffeine to keep fifty adults awake and nervous for three weeks. I was lucky to be alive. During a three-month stay at a well-known Decaff Clinic, I finally put my life back together. Oh, sure, I still occasionally crave a steaming "cuppa joe," especially when I see that darn Juan Valdez on TV. But now I know I'm strong enough to Just Say "No" To Coffee.

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 02:34 PM

Dear Coffee,
You rock. I don't know what I'd do without you. You were there every step of the way. You're there when I'm on a date and I need something inexpensive to talk over. You're there when I have a paper due the very next morning and I haven't started. You're there when I need a sudden boost of energy. You're there in the morning when I wake up and I need to get oriented, and you're there at night when I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open and I'm behind the wheel and I don't want to CRASH INTO THE HOMELESS MAN WEARING ALL BLACK CROSSING THE STREET DIAGONALLY.

Whew. That was a close one.

Coffee, I know this is hard to say, but I think our relationship is unhealthy. You're tightening my veins! You're adding pudge to my perfect figure! You're tampering with my natural sleep cycle in ways that were never meant to be! You give me headaches when I don't drink you, and without you, my mornings are incoherent and fragmented, I FORGOT IF I USED SHAMPOO TWICE! You make me twitchy, you make me hyper, you make me crazy.

But coffee, I love you. I've had you a million and one ways, from the ice-cold milkshake slush of a blended frapuccino, to the insane thought-inspiring and INSANE high of THREE ESPRESSO SHOTS CHASED BY A TALL MOCHA! I've even had decaf, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

However, you must HELP ME! This is becoming a HUGE PROBLEM, and as much as you help all things that are good, you are a DRUG, and you must ACCEPT that you are a drug and get help! The withdrawl is too much for me to take, I think MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE. My eyes are twitching, MY VISION BLURRING! I need a cup now! You might want ti hide the children, staple the pottery to the wall, RETROFIT THE HOUSE.

On second thought, I'll get some sleep. It's morning already. BUT YOU WON'T LET ME! Oh, please, LET ME SLEEP! I only had that shot to give me inspiration to write a paper. Artists need their drugs, right? You're my drug, I have you ALL TO MYSELF! But you NEED to let me sleep, I have CLASS tomorrow. Out of my system, OUT I SAY!

Coffee · 12-30-2003, 04:13 PM

Moderation - 2 strong cups a day...ok...3, no 4, but no more..unless you really want another...then 5 maybe...

get a grip. coffee is not for the faint of heart

perhaps you need a more balanced diet....rmr drinks alchohol too, so should you. Have you considered taking up smoking?

*rmr might say* "CALM DOWN!!! see related thread.

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 05:35 PM

oh... i drink coffee in moderation.... i just found those on the net and thought you would like them..... i am calm... really...

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 05:37 PM

really

Coffee · 12-30-2003, 06:45 PM

really?

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 06:50 PM

really.

masterofNone · 12-30-2003, 06:57 PM

dude. seriously.

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 07:05 PM

Dude... if I was any calmer I would be comatose

xerocs · 12-30-2003, 07:06 PM

really

priceyfatprude · 12-31-2003, 02:58 AM

Xerocs, those are grrrreat, where did you find them?

xerocs · 12-31-2003, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by xerocs
oh... i drink coffee in moderation.... i just found those on the net and thought you would like them..... i am calm... really...

on the net, duh...

priceyfatprude · 12-31-2003, 09:20 PM

Yeah but I was hoping for someone to attribute them to.

Red Princess · 12-31-2003, 09:41 PM

hey pfp

http://www.svcn.com/archives/saratog...tary-9948.html

xerocs · 12-31-2003, 09:44 PM

yes that is the one....

and the other is on eloctronic mayem i think...

12-30-2003, 02:29 PM	#1
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	for coffee Coffee in the Sky with Diamonds Coffee houses and espresso bars are popping up all over America, allowing anybody to conveniently experience the joys of java. This is great news for recreational drinkers, but for those who are unable to drink responsibly, the unprecedented availability of concentrated caffeine presents a serious problem. I should know. My name is Mark, and I'm a javaholic. I inherited the addiction from my father. That man could polish off a pound of coffee faster than you can say "cream 'n' sugar." He eventually lost his job because of the caffeine jitters that constantly plagued him. (Dad was a member of the police bomb squad.) When I was 15, a so-called friend offered me some coffee he found under his older brother's mattress. I hesitated, recalling what I had learned about the beverage's harmful effects. One laboratory test proved that rats who consume large amounts of caffeine are involved in more automobile accidents than their decaffeinated counterparts. Another study concluded that coffee-drinking rabbits have an unusually high rate of marital problems and job-related difficulties. But, as reckless, thrill-seeking youngsters often do, I ignored my misgivings and drank the coffee. My friend was right. Coffee made everything better. Conversation was easy and meaningful, and anything I ate tasted great. I was hooked. Common canned brands were fine at first. They were cheap and effective. But then I began to crave bigger kicks. I experimented with exotic, potent varieties: Columbian Supreme, Peruvian Perfecto, Costa Rican Red, Hawaiian Black. You name it, I swallowed it. I soon became a full-time abuser. I spent all my money on coffee beans and related paraphernalia, including grinders, percolators, drip brewers, espresso machines and filters. My behavior became increasingly erratic. I once dismantled and reassembled my pickup in thirty minutes. I don't know why I did it. Caffeine makes a man do strange things. Coffee ripped my world apart. Having lost all respect for their dad, my kids often called me "Bean Head" and "Mr. Coffee." My wife, sick of the constant stench of my "brew breath," ran away with a handsome cola drinker. Like my father before me, I lost a prestigious, well-paying job. A man with shaky hands shouldn't be a neurosurgeon. Then, one Sunday morning, I hit rock bottom. After a restless night's sleep, I woke up and frantically consumed my last few ounces of Maui Mocha Brava Java. I wanted more. I needed more. I called my supply guy, the biggest coffee dealer in the state. No answer. I ran to my neighbor's house, hoping to borrow a few precious beans. Before I could knock on the door, I noticed the "Proud To Be Caffeine-Free" decal in the window. Just my luck. Desperate, I drove to a nearby convenience store. My body convulsed as I poured myself the hideously huge Five-Gallon Goliath Gulp. Seeing that I was already over the edge, the clerk refused to sell me the coffee. I grabbed a heat-'n'-eat corndog and beat him to a pulp. After binding his hands with a Slim Jim and stuffing a frozen burrito in his mouth, I greedily guzzled the steaming nectar and made my getaway. I burned rubber from the parking lot and turned on the radio. Music never sounded or looked so good. I actually SAW words, notes, chords and guitar riffs coming from the speakers. The groovy hallucinations continued as I watched the passing scenery. Colors were so vivid, so tangible. I saw a purple dragon, a friendly two-headed unicorn and Juan Valdez with his funny little mule. I saw Coffee In the Sky with Diamonds. The world was beautiful and I was flying. The police found me at a local high school. I was running laps and babbling incoherently. According to doctors in the emergency room, I had consumed enough caffeine to keep fifty adults awake and nervous for three weeks. I was lucky to be alive. During a three-month stay at a well-known Decaff Clinic, I finally put my life back together. Oh, sure, I still occasionally crave a steaming "cuppa joe," especially when I see that darn Juan Valdez on TV. But now I know I'm strong enough to Just Say "No" To Coffee.

12-31-2003, 02:58 AM	#11
priceyfatprude girthy pickles Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: under your desk Posts: 9,313	Xerocs, those are grrrreat, where did you find them? __________________ "We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"

12-31-2003, 09:20 PM	#13
priceyfatprude girthy pickles Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: under your desk Posts: 9,313	Yeah but I was hoping for someone to attribute them to. __________________ "We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"

12-31-2003, 09:41 PM	#14
Red Princess thread soiler Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: san diego Posts: 4,810	hey pfp http://www.svcn.com/archives/saratog...tary-9948.html __________________ snarky peep

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12-30-2003, 02:34 PM	#2
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	Dear Coffee, You rock. I don't know what I'd do without you. You were there every step of the way. You're there when I'm on a date and I need something inexpensive to talk over. You're there when I have a paper due the very next morning and I haven't started. You're there when I need a sudden boost of energy. You're there in the morning when I wake up and I need to get oriented, and you're there at night when I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open and I'm behind the wheel and I don't want to CRASH INTO THE HOMELESS MAN WEARING ALL BLACK CROSSING THE STREET DIAGONALLY. Whew. That was a close one. Coffee, I know this is hard to say, but I think our relationship is unhealthy. You're tightening my veins! You're adding pudge to my perfect figure! You're tampering with my natural sleep cycle in ways that were never meant to be! You give me headaches when I don't drink you, and without you, my mornings are incoherent and fragmented, I FORGOT IF I USED SHAMPOO TWICE! You make me twitchy, you make me hyper, you make me crazy. But coffee, I love you. I've had you a million and one ways, from the ice-cold milkshake slush of a blended frapuccino, to the insane thought-inspiring and INSANE high of THREE ESPRESSO SHOTS CHASED BY A TALL MOCHA! I've even had decaf, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! However, you must HELP ME! This is becoming a HUGE PROBLEM, and as much as you help all things that are good, you are a DRUG, and you must ACCEPT that you are a drug and get help! The withdrawl is too much for me to take, I think MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE. My eyes are twitching, MY VISION BLURRING! I need a cup now! You might want ti hide the children, staple the pottery to the wall, RETROFIT THE HOUSE. On second thought, I'll get some sleep. It's morning already. BUT YOU WON'T LET ME! Oh, please, LET ME SLEEP! I only had that shot to give me inspiration to write a paper. Artists need their drugs, right? You're my drug, I have you ALL TO MYSELF! But you NEED to let me sleep, I have CLASS tomorrow. Out of my system, OUT I SAY!

12-30-2003, 04:13 PM	#3
Coffee Cheeses Save Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Floating Posts: 9,204	Moderation - 2 strong cups a day...ok...3, no 4, but no more..unless you really want another...then 5 maybe... get a grip. coffee is not for the faint of heart perhaps you need a more balanced diet....rmr drinks alchohol too, so should you. Have you considered taking up smoking? rmr might say "CALM DOWN!!! see related thread.

12-30-2003, 05:35 PM	#4
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	oh... i drink coffee in moderation.... i just found those on the net and thought you would like them..... i am calm... really...

12-30-2003, 05:37 PM	#5
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	really

12-30-2003, 06:45 PM	#6
Coffee Cheeses Save Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Floating Posts: 9,204	really?

12-30-2003, 06:50 PM	#7
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	really.

12-30-2003, 06:57 PM	#8
masterofNone ________ Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 5,131	dude. seriously.

12-30-2003, 07:05 PM	#9
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	Dude... if I was any calmer I would be comatose

12-30-2003, 07:06 PM	#10
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	really

12-31-2003, 09:44 PM	#15
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	yes that is the one.... and the other is on eloctronic mayem i think...