Friends that exhaust you - ZEFRANK.COM

Klynne · 03-25-2004, 12:01 AM

I just got back from listening to a friend.. Three hours of listening to him go on and on about what he is going through. He asked for my advice on this same subject a month ago. He did not listen to me then, and now is suffering the ramifications of his actions. But, I did not tell him, I told you so. Still, it is frustrating, that he did not listen in the first place.

Any of you been there and done that?

catbelly · 03-25-2004, 12:15 AM

Didn't I tell you already not to put up with that foo?

Yeah ... I sort of have to laugh at myself, because I am pretty good at getting toxic friends out of my life - YET I somehow stayed in a toxic relationship for years. Go figger!

Anyway yes I totally sort my friends into toxic/non-toxic or draining/energizing or whatever ... and if they are consistently toxic or draining, I usually fade out of their lives. Easier said than done, I know.

I broke up with a friend during the summer. We had a bit of a blowout and I guess we sorta broke up with each other. I miss her sometimes but, blah. For me, the blowout was the last straw. I just can't make myself have friendships that are so one-sided in terms of being on the receiving end of crap that seems to be never-ending.

Audreyvgs · 03-25-2004, 12:49 AM

OMG I had the same day, he called and came over, and told me the same story that he had like 1 year ago and two years ago, that he'd like to make this sculpture stuff he does, but he never has the time, and his work space is too dirty. Well, what the hell are you doin here talkin to me when you could take a half an hour, clean off your work bench and do it? And he talks to me about pricing these things he makes, but of course he hasn't made any yet.

Yikes

I finally told him to go home and work on his 1. energy level
and 2. his attention span.

priceyfatprude · 03-25-2004, 02:24 AM

madasacutsnake · 03-25-2004, 08:45 AM

I have a friend who will not listen nor take advice and is still moaning to me about the same probs she had two years ago. And she comes in my bedroom when I'm sleeping to do it. Ugh.

dinzdale · 03-25-2004, 01:16 PM

As much as I love the Nolan Sisters, they totally piss me off with their never ending slap fights over which pant suits to wear, they eat toast in the bed, and they giggle incessantly when they get tanked up on my champagne and insist on playing nude twister at 2 in the farking morning!!!

lapietra · 03-25-2004, 03:31 PM

Having formerly *been* one of those kind of "friends", I can say the best thing you can do for them is be straight with them - tell them you'd like to help them but they keep coming to you with the same problem and you don't have any other suggestions, except that they might possibly want to meet with a counselor. Be kind but firm; don't let them bring it up again. They may get upset, but after a few people tell them this, it'll either sink in and they'll start taking care of themselves, or they'll find someone who's professionally trained to listen.

Willow Sylph · 03-25-2004, 03:46 PM

I'm sure there are times in all our lives when we are giving friend and the taking friend. It reminds me of a quote from an Indigo Girls song: "I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give. Give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live!"

lapietra · 03-25-2004, 03:51 PM

Yeah... I agree - it's very good to be there for each other... but there's a point where someone's using you for a trashcan to dump all their bad feelings, instead of taking care of the problem so you can have fun together...
This isn't about when you've had a bad breakup or bad life experiences... This is about when your friend keeps doing the same thing over and over, despite knowing what to do better, and keeps complaining about the unfortunate results of doing the bad habit.

catbelly · 03-25-2004, 07:05 PM

Yeah ... I should clarify - I agree that there is give and take, and everyone has stuff happen that makes them temporarily into someone who needs support .... IMO the toxic friend is *always* like that, though, and doesn't give as well as receive.

Yeah I totally appreciate my friends who have helped me through shit! I know they appreciate it when I've been there for them, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... lucky to have good friends, I am

zenbabe · 03-25-2004, 07:10 PM

I have several friends like this, and think I am leaving them in my dust trail out of town.....it's just not worth the energy anymore..and I hate it that no matter what they are talking about..when you change the subject to something about you..they cant take it and immediatly start talking about themselves again...blah blah blah..

Aphrodite · 03-25-2004, 07:30 PM

I know people like this too.

If they are a good enough friend, you laugh and tell them that they have to take turns.

"You have had the last half hour to talk about you. I get the next half hour."

I have had the same two best friends since forever. 27 years for one and 19 years for the other. I still talk to at least one of them daily.

Willow Sylph · 03-25-2004, 09:20 PM

Zenbabe,
Were you inspired by the quote I posted or did I just make an ass out of myself and quote something that you had in your signature all along?!

03-25-2004, 12:01 AM	#1
Klynne monkey Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Grand Rapids, MI Posts: 4,543	Friends that exhaust you I just got back from listening to a friend.. Three hours of listening to him go on and on about what he is going through. He asked for my advice on this same subject a month ago. He did not listen to me then, and now is suffering the ramifications of his actions. But, I did not tell him, I told you so. Still, it is frustrating, that he did not listen in the first place. Any of you been there and done that?

03-25-2004, 02:24 AM	#4
priceyfatprude girthy pickles Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: under your desk Posts: 9,313	Yes. __________________ "We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"

03-25-2004, 03:31 PM	#7
lapietra half baked Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: just ducky Posts: 12,078	Having formerly been one of those kind of "friends", I can say the best thing you can do for them is be straight with them - tell them you'd like to help them but they keep coming to you with the same problem and you don't have any other suggestions, except that they might possibly want to meet with a counselor. Be kind but firm; don't let them bring it up again. They may get upset, but after a few people tell them this, it'll either sink in and they'll start taking care of themselves, or they'll find someone who's professionally trained to listen. __________________ “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.” ~ Mel Brooks Last edited by lapietra : 03-25-2004 at 07:29 PM.

03-25-2004, 03:46 PM	#8
Willow Sylph monkey Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,608	I'm sure there are times in all our lives when we are giving friend and the taking friend. It reminds me of a quote from an Indigo Girls song: "I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give. Give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live!" __________________ Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say "Ni". Knight 2: NI! Other Knights: Shh.... Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say.... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"

03-25-2004, 03:51 PM	#9
lapietra half baked Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: just ducky Posts: 12,078	Yeah... I agree - it's very good to be there for each other... but there's a point where someone's using you for a trashcan to dump all their bad feelings, instead of taking care of the problem so you can have fun together... This isn't about when you've had a bad breakup or bad life experiences... This is about when your friend keeps doing the same thing over and over, despite knowing what to do better, and keeps complaining about the unfortunate results of doing the bad habit. __________________ “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.” ~ Mel Brooks

03-25-2004, 12:15 AM	#2
catbelly monkey Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: the north Posts: 1,757	Didn't I tell you already not to put up with that foo? Yeah ... I sort of have to laugh at myself, because I am pretty good at getting toxic friends out of my life - YET I somehow stayed in a toxic relationship for years. Go figger! Anyway yes I totally sort my friends into toxic/non-toxic or draining/energizing or whatever ... and if they are consistently toxic or draining, I usually fade out of their lives. Easier said than done, I know. I broke up with a friend during the summer. We had a bit of a blowout and I guess we sorta broke up with each other. I miss her sometimes but, blah. For me, the blowout was the last straw. I just can't make myself have friendships that are so one-sided in terms of being on the receiving end of crap that seems to be never-ending.

03-25-2004, 12:49 AM	#3
Audreyvgs Blue's Clues Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: on Yur Last Nerve, huh? Posts: 5,412	OMG I had the same day, he called and came over, and told me the same story that he had like 1 year ago and two years ago, that he'd like to make this sculpture stuff he does, but he never has the time, and his work space is too dirty. Well, what the hell are you doin here talkin to me when you could take a half an hour, clean off your work bench and do it? And he talks to me about pricing these things he makes, but of course he hasn't made any yet. Yikes I finally told him to go home and work on his 1. energy level and 2. his attention span.

03-25-2004, 08:45 AM	#5
madasacutsnake no more nice girl Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 5,054	I have a friend who will not listen nor take advice and is still moaning to me about the same probs she had two years ago. And she comes in my bedroom when I'm sleeping to do it. Ugh.

03-25-2004, 01:16 PM	#6
dinzdale King of the špatnýs Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: was that dog Posts: 9,411	As much as I love the Nolan Sisters, they totally piss me off with their never ending slap fights over which pant suits to wear, they eat toast in the bed, and they giggle incessantly when they get tanked up on my champagne and insist on playing nude twister at 2 in the farking morning!!!

03-25-2004, 07:05 PM	#10
catbelly monkey Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: the north Posts: 1,757	Yeah ... I should clarify - I agree that there is give and take, and everyone has stuff happen that makes them temporarily into someone who needs support .... IMO the toxic friend is always like that, though, and doesn't give as well as receive. Yeah I totally appreciate my friends who have helped me through shit! I know they appreciate it when I've been there for them, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... lucky to have good friends, I am

03-25-2004, 07:10 PM	#11
zenbabe Lollypop! Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: we are all made of stars Posts: 11,690	I have several friends like this, and think I am leaving them in my dust trail out of town.....it's just not worth the energy anymore..and I hate it that no matter what they are talking about..when you change the subject to something about you..they cant take it and immediatly start talking about themselves again...blah blah blah.. __________________ Be yourself, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

03-25-2004, 07:30 PM	#12
Aphrodite Myth Demeanour Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: My tent Posts: 3,041	I know people like this too. If they are a good enough friend, you laugh and tell them that they have to take turns. "You have had the last half hour to talk about you. I get the next half hour." I have had the same two best friends since forever. 27 years for one and 19 years for the other. I still talk to at least one of them daily. __________________ Monkey on the Halfshell

03-25-2004, 09:20 PM	#13
Willow Sylph monkey Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,608	Zenbabe, Were you inspired by the quote I posted or did I just make an ass out of myself and quote something that you had in your signature all along?! __________________ Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say "Ni". Knight 2: NI! Other Knights: Shh.... Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say.... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"

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