Attempted Poetry... Brutally honest criticism required - ZEFRANK.COM

xerocs · 05-07-2004, 07:17 AM

She takes it literal

A lot of truth is said in jest

She makes me think

Listens when I need to get it off my chest

Her smile is unwavering

A lighthouse for the lost soul

She makes me dream

She makes me feel whole

Once feigned shallow

Her eyes revealed deep thought

She makes me trust

Never questioning what it is not

Lips that stir cravings

Long tender fingers

Unnecessary insecurities

Long after she leaves, her presence lingers

Animalistic hunger

Insatiable desire

She makes me want

Sets my body on fire

Body of a princess

Mind of a queen

Soul of a saint

Fears unseen

How did it happen

How far will it go

What are the chances

Answers to questions I don’t really want to know

How do you hold on

To a bird in free flight

How do you let go of…

Long sought truth, without a fight

Time will pass

No efforts will be in vain

“It is better to have loved and lost”

Life’s constant reminder is pain

Thoughts

P.M. May 2004

weissenflatz · 05-07-2004, 07:29 AM

Hi zerocks,

I'm not much of a poetry critic...

For sure it's a long poem. Even visual. Take out the hard enters, to make it easier to read.

It seems a sad poem to me; but I figure you have you reasons.

Keep on writing, not because people will like it, but because you'll get things off your chest.

Take care.

daverbee · 05-07-2004, 08:46 AM

I am neither a poet or a critic The best advice I can give is to keep writing and keep showing it to people. You'll pick up a rhythm and then run with it eventually!
I think this is an excellent first poem!...ummm...this is the first, right?

xerocs · 05-07-2004, 08:57 AM

yes this is a first.... well I have written some Haiku's... but this was a first.... Somoeone get me out of the office!!

daverbee · 05-07-2004, 09:00 AM

Be careful what you wish for.
Shower time then off to do great things...well, to build stuff, anyway.

xerocs · 05-07-2004, 09:02 AM

What do you mean by that? What did I wish for?

JesusTitties · 05-07-2004, 09:15 AM

xerocs · 05-07-2004, 09:35 AM

Is that a good thing?

chuckie egg · 05-07-2004, 09:55 AM

LOL!

Thats a good poem Xerocs

Avalon · 05-07-2004, 10:59 AM

I can not give advice on poetry.
One of my favorite poems goes something like..

There was a man from Nantucket...

You get the picture

sparticle · 05-07-2004, 11:29 AM

//Body of a princess

Mind of a queen

Soul of a saint

//

He likes me! He really likes me!

Okay, okay.... so it's not about me.... *schniffle*

In all seriousness, young man, I think you have a case of being in love going on here. The images you use are timeless, universal and very clear. I find it touching, sweet, and delightful that a man could write such a poem and even more charming that he would share it with his friends. There is no mistaking the feeling, and you do not use images that are a "reach" -- anyone reading this gets the message plainly and simply.

*sigh* ahhh, to be falling in love -- what a bittersweet and beautiful feeling it is. You bring it back to me.

I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing with us.

Now, since you have done so well on this, for your next assignment,

, write a poem about something totally ordinary and make it interesting. Write about a situation you encounter every day and show us where you find poetry in the ordinary. We know you can do it!

Again, thanks for sharing with us. Write more! Write more!

dinzdale · 05-07-2004, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by xerocs

Body of a princess

Mind of a queen

Soul of a saint

Fears unseen

Try something more to the point like....

Body of a porn star

Mind in the gutter

Soul-ed to the Devil

Shag me silly

just an idea.......

sparticle · 05-07-2004, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dinzdale
Try something more to the point like....

Body of a porn star

Mind in the gutter

Soul-ed to the Devil

Shag me silly

just an idea.......

My God; they'll let anyone in this thread....

dinzdale · 05-07-2004, 12:04 PM

I thought it was being more to the point....today's woman wants honesty, not flowery crap.

Avalon · 05-07-2004, 12:07 PM

You mean the direct approach then??

05-07-2004, 07:17 AM	#1
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	Attempted Poetry... Brutally honest criticism required She takes it literal A lot of truth is said in jest She makes me think Listens when I need to get it off my chest Her smile is unwavering A lighthouse for the lost soul She makes me dream She makes me feel whole Once feigned shallow Her eyes revealed deep thought She makes me trust Never questioning what it is not Lips that stir cravings Long tender fingers Unnecessary insecurities Long after she leaves, her presence lingers Animalistic hunger Insatiable desire She makes me want Sets my body on fire Body of a princess Mind of a queen Soul of a saint Fears unseen How did it happen How far will it go What are the chances Answers to questions I don’t really want to know How do you hold on To a bird in free flight How do you let go of… Long sought truth, without a fight Time will pass No efforts will be in vain “It is better to have loved and lost” Life’s constant reminder is pain Thoughts P.M. May 2004

05-07-2004, 10:59 AM	#10
Avalon Moderator Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: A much better place Posts: 5,931	I can not give advice on poetry. One of my favorite poems goes something like.. There was a man from Nantucket... You get the picture __________________ I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx

05-07-2004, 12:07 PM	#15
Avalon Moderator Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: A much better place Posts: 5,931	You mean the direct approach then?? __________________ I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx

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05-07-2004, 07:29 AM	#2
weissenflatz It's just words I write Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Warsaw, Poland Posts: 1,467	Hi zerocks, I'm not much of a poetry critic... For sure it's a long poem. Even visual. Take out the hard enters, to make it easier to read. It seems a sad poem to me; but I figure you have you reasons. Keep on writing, not because people will like it, but because you'll get things off your chest. Take care.

05-07-2004, 08:46 AM	#3
daverbee Key Lime Pie rocks!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Oh, yeah! Posts: 7,695	I am neither a poet or a critic The best advice I can give is to keep writing and keep showing it to people. You'll pick up a rhythm and then run with it eventually! I think this is an excellent first poem!...ummm...this is the first, right?

05-07-2004, 08:57 AM	#4
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	yes this is a first.... well I have written some Haiku's... but this was a first.... Somoeone get me out of the office!!

05-07-2004, 09:00 AM	#5
daverbee Key Lime Pie rocks!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Oh, yeah! Posts: 7,695	Be careful what you wish for. Shower time then off to do great things...well, to build stuff, anyway.

05-07-2004, 09:02 AM	#6
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	What do you mean by that? What did I wish for?

05-07-2004, 09:15 AM	#7
JesusTitties ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 3,124

05-07-2004, 09:35 AM	#8
xerocs Lurk Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Rapid City, SoDak Posts: 1,341	Is that a good thing?

05-07-2004, 09:55 AM	#9
chuckie egg a peach Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Manchester, UK Posts: 4,627	LOL! Thats a good poem Xerocs

05-07-2004, 11:29 AM	#11
sparticle Conspiracy Theorist Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: cleveland, oh Posts: 4,702	//Body of a princess Mind of a queen Soul of a saint // He likes me! He really likes me! Okay, okay.... so it's not about me.... schniffle In all seriousness, young man, I think you have a case of being in love going on here. The images you use are timeless, universal and very clear. I find it touching, sweet, and delightful that a man could write such a poem and even more charming that he would share it with his friends. There is no mistaking the feeling, and you do not use images that are a "reach" -- anyone reading this gets the message plainly and simply. sigh ahhh, to be falling in love -- what a bittersweet and beautiful feeling it is. You bring it back to me. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing with us. Now, since you have done so well on this, for your next assignment, , write a poem about something totally ordinary and make it interesting. Write about a situation you encounter every day and show us where you find poetry in the ordinary. We know you can do it! Again, thanks for sharing with us. Write more! Write more!

05-07-2004, 12:04 PM	#14
dinzdale King of the špatnýs Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: was that dog Posts: 9,411	I thought it was being more to the point....today's woman wants honesty, not flowery crap.