grouchy at a friend

[sparticle]

Why does a friend email you every day, sometimes three or four times, then "disappear" for a week, not responding to your emails, then act like YOU are being an idiot for asking if everything's okay?

I have known this person IRL for several years, and despite the fact that I am always there for him and his long and wearying list of troubles, he has a habit of cutting out on me like a bad cell phone just when I need an ear the most. I don't mind (well, actually, maybe I'm starting to), but it seems like this person was absent the day they taught about giving back, ya know? I don't do things in order to get things, but some reciprocity wouldn't hurt.

If I return silence for silence long enough, I finally get asked what's wrong, etc., as if _I_ were the one doing the cutting out. Not that he actually wants to listen to the answer!

I've tried dropping hints about being a little more consistent and possibly a little more thoughtful, and the few times I've dared to actually get upset and speak my mind, he gets all hurt and -- guess what -- disappears! It's like he's allergic to the slightest unpleasantness. And I don't have a long list of gripes to dump on him, but every so often I need someone to listen.

I should tell this "friend" to get lost, but there's a nasty hook to it. Every time I decide to quietly drop him from my list without fanfare and just have nothing more to do with him, he pops back into my life and becomes the most charming, caring, witty, warm, wise soul you can imagine. Just long enough to get the friendship going again and then, boom! he's gone. He has this charming but utterly unreliable nature that always seems to hook me right back in even though I end up kicking myself later for not seeking out a more steady and supportive confidante.

I need some new friends....

Thanks for listening, monkeys. The above probably makes no sense but I appreciate being able to vent.

[Klynne]

Sorry Sparticle,

This person is not a true friend. Friendship is not one sided. This person just takes.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by Klynne
Sorry Sparticle,

This person is not a true friend. Friendship is not one sided. This person just takes.

I am beginning to be completely convinced. I go to visit the town in which this person lives (I have a ton of other friends there) and whenever I get together with him, I have ended up doing all the driving, paying for everything, etc. I kept waiting for him to offer to help, but he is apparently happy to just sit back and let me carry it all, so I have already quit extending lunch invitations, etc.

It's so discouraging. If he didn't know how to turn on the charm, I wouldn't allow myself to be used. I need to wise up, get tough and write him off the list. I am, unfortunately, a real patsy for either a sob story or charm, and he has readily employed both.

I'm not the only one of our friends who feels this way about him, BTW. The consensus is, "Delightful company, totally undependable." But it's sad, you know?

It's tough getting tough. LOL

[Avalon]

He is, as my grandmother used to say, a "Fairweather" friend.
There at his convenience only, never when you need him.
Hell, I can do that for you ( ).
Let him drift away if you don't have the heart to cut him out outright. Try being too busy to talk a few times; delete the emails without reading them. Chances are he never takes your advice anyway; he just wants to recount all of his miseries.
More advice to come, I am sure. But in the end, you have to decide this : Are you better off with him as your friend or without?

[Aphrodite]

Hey Spart.

I think that you see this person for what they are. This does not mean that they are intentionally mean or purposely using you. It seems like it might work if you only count on them to be a charming treat every once in a while.

Never try to hold them to the big stuff like support or advice. Just simply treat them like a sparkley pair of shoes. Impractical, fun, only useful occasionally, and they will probably make you uncomfortable rather quickly.

If you acknowledge their faults and only expect what they have proven true, you should be able to enjoy your charming friend without feeling the hurt of disappointment. If it isn't worth the effort, then you can choose accordingly.

[laughingbuddha]

i totally totally identify with that statement.

[bealeblues]

he's probably a goddamn giants fan

(or braves... JOJ)

[topcat]

aphro i think is right. just enjoy the time you have with him when you have it. he is not going to change

[agentsmith]

Originally posted by Aphrodite
Hey Spart.

I think that you see this person for what they are. This does not mean that they are intentionally mean or purposely using you. It seems like it might work if you only count on them to be a charming treat every once in a while.

Never try to hold them to the big stuff like support or advice. Just simply treat them like a sparkley pair of shoes. Impractical, fun, only useful occasionally, and they will probably make you uncomfortable rather quickly.

If you acknowledge their faults and only expect what they have proven true, you should be able to enjoy your charming friend without feeling the hurt of disappointment. If it isn't worth the effort, then you can choose accordingly.

hey you're really smart!


shes right you know....i have a few friends like that.

[Willow Sylph]

Sounds like a "fair-weathered" friend to me. One of those who only comes to you when they need to b*tch, then is gone again when everything is going fine in their life.

[nycwriters]

I have friends like these -- hrm, seems it's mostly my male friends who do this ...

But from what you've said, there's a very real part of you that enjoys having him in your life, regardless of the frustration.

I think Aphro is right on the money -- accept him at the level of friendship he can offer you, enjoy your time with him when you're out, but I would suggest you don't go above and beyond what you feel you can give him without draining you.

That way the relationship becomes more equitable -- at least one that you can accept -- on your terms. I think part of the problem is that the friendship seems to be all on his terms and none on yours -- you're left without any means of "control" -- not that you'd want control in a friendship, but a certain element of it satisfies a feeling of respect.

So that means if you go for lunch, yes pick him up, but tell him ahead of time you're a little short on money, is he going to be OK to cover his own meal? If he's not, suggest doing it another time, you have some stuff you have to get done anyhow -- but too bad, you were looking forward to hanging out, perhaps next time.

If he disappears for a while -- next time he groans about a personal problem, find a reason to get off the phone -- say you're dealing with your own issue and it needs your attention (see if he asks what it is -- and if he does, be brief and then excuse yourself).

No offense to the male posters here -- but men are very simple creatures. If not confronted in person with conflict, they'll hide out and bide their time until the "storm passes over." Not all men, mind you, but some.

And in that vein sometimes to get your point across you have to show rather than tell. Show by getting off the phone, show by checking on his finances before you go to lunch ... give him choices -- which ultimately will make it easier on you if the ball's in his court.

That also means that if he makes a choice that doesn't suit you (you really want to see him and he says he's broke), you have to be willing to accept it. My guess is that sooner rather than later he'll figure things out.

And typically, most of my male friends go "absent" for periods of a month sometimes -- it usually means they've met someone and are tied up in the fervor of new romance. I wait it out and sure enough, that's usually it.

Hell, I've done it myself. I sometimes go AWOL when I'm stressed from work or I have a personal problem I need to work through BEFORE I talk it through with a friend. Doesn't mean I care any less for that friend, it's just how I deal.

Good luck with this Spart. Ultimately you need to find a solution that works for you.

i can relate to having and being a fair-weather friend. there are just different levels of friendships.

you have your first tier friends who are there for you when you need them, call you back, you value their company and the friendship, etc

then there are the 2nd tier friends like this one who are fun to partay with and have fun with, but you wouldnt really seek them out for advice or get upset over not seeing them

you gotta treat this guy like the 2nd tier friend he is.

[sparticle]

ALL of y'all rock!!!


I had to run an errand this morning (Wee Spart Girl had to go to the doctor -- turns out the poor wee thing has been RUNNING TRACK with a stress fracture of the tibia! -- did I mention that tough broads run in this family? LOL)

Anyway, I came back home and was hoping I'd get a few replies and -- well -- all y'all are wonderful. Insightful, supportive, accurate, honest and caring. Plus a few things to laugh about, and i needed that! I can not only use the advice but I am very much appreciative of the support.

I'll respond as I get a little time this afternoon, but thank you all SO much.

Blessings! You rock! Namaste!

*hugs*,

sparticle

[daverbee]

2nd Tier Friend. I like that term. I'll have to use it in a sentence one day.
Glad you're doing better, Sparti!
Go download Smoothie Song and, hopefully, it'll help a bit more.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by Avalon
He is, as my grandmother used to say, a "Fairweather" friend.
There at his convenience only, never when you need him.
Hell, I can do that for you ( ).

Yeah, but you're, like, dependable and stuff and I know it, so it's no use your trying to act that way.