Heart on sleeve

[nycwriters]

I am very very very freakin' vulnerable right now. If you don't like me, you'll be very happy with this news. However, if you can find some kind of compassion, I could really use it.

Two days ago, I found some emails in D's inbox that were questionable. They were highly sexual, and basically one was an open invitation to fvck her.

These are a few of them:

My boyfriend is going to be out of town this weekend.

Do you share this email?

Oh I get all of it now-- let's keep up the dl (down load) exchange

I'll be waiting-- are u still up?

and the kicker:

I've decided that stairwells are no place to film music videos-- living rooms are better; have you noticed a lot more bands are shooting in their own houses, like living rooms; whada think; I think some bands should think that their songs deserve better than a stairwell-- I'd offer mine for them-- they could shoot it early early in the morning or midday or late at night; they should just second thought to the whole stairwell idea I mean that could be uncomfortable-- Sorry, just shootin the breeze--

... which basically was a thinly veiled email telling him when he could fvck her.

I had a long talk with him yesterday, and agreed the emails were sexual. He says all play people do this backstage -- sexual exchanges of flirtation as part of the play. He couldn't explain away why she said her boyfriend was out of town, though.

I went down to the theater last night and confronted her, she apologized, said it was all a joke ... but because of her use of words like "deserve" and her actually thinking that she wouldn't like to be fvcked in a stairwell ... it wasn't a joke. She just said that to save face.

So we stay up when we get home until 4 am. He's crying and apologizing for hurting me. She and he both say that nothing happened outside of sexually flirting and suggesting times to get together to fool around (and he claims it was never going to happen, it was all just the boisterous mood of the group). He's saying I'm the center of his world. He's saying he wants to marry me. I'm crying, he's crying. He's saying this play is a horrible thing -- that it's taken so much out of him and us.

I tell him that sexually flirting with someone else is so disrespectful to me. He says he understands -- now.

Then today, he goes to work and calls me at about 4. He says he's getting off and that he will come home in between going to do the play (it finishes Saturday).

6 pm rolls around and he's not home. So I go back down to the theater to see him walk in at about 6:45 with one of his fellow cast members.

Instead of coming home. When things were really shaky between us, he decides that a fellow cast member having a crisis is more important than making sure I was ok. He didn't even call to tell me.

I take his keys. I slap his face. I take his money (because he owes me a shitload of money), and I leave.

Now I'm home and I'm a mess.

This after a year of battling his alcoholism, of breaking up with him and taking him back because I loved him so dearly, and I still do. This after going through one horrific night after another of him out boozing until 6 am, 7 am and 8 am. This after many many nights of me out on the streets at 3 in the morning frantically checking every bar because I can't find him. Those days seemed to be over, we hadn't had a situation like that in four or five months. We were just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel on that one.

And now this happens. I can't live a life like this. I can't wonder every time he goes out the door if he's out with some girl, because the trust is so badly damaged between us.

But I feel so lost. I loved this man more than anyone I have ever in my life.