Do you know How To Sing the Blues??

[Avalon]

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a
good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you
skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator
be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept
in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad
luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues
death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer,
you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled
bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman
just done sat on it. I don't care.

[trisherina]

(copying to several friends)

[Zaftig]

That is hilarious!

I hit the Canada part and thought 'Damn it, my blues isn't the blues! It's just bad country now!'

[sparticle]

HAHAHAHA! This is great!

[Avalon]

I am left to wonder if Beale can sing the Blues?? What would his Blues name be?? So many questions!

[dinzdale]

According to the rules posted above he should be...

Bipolar Qumquat Eisenhower

[Avalon]

HAHAHAHAHA!

[dinzdale]

He changed it from Syphillitic Banana Clinton

[Aphrodite]

Yep. I guess Canadians can't sing the blues.

I'd be

Dorky Peach "Horton"

[bealeblues]

originally posted by avalon
I am left to wonder if Beale can sing the Blues?? What would his Blues name be?? So many questions!

no way in hell i'd even try to sing the blues. listening to the blues is way more than enough for me....

[Avalon]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shame of it all!! Learn the Blues Dammit!! Just think of the Abso-slut when ya do
See, I found this:



"Beale Street" and Other Classic Blues
Price: $ 14.95 In Stock




Edited by David A. Jasen

viii + 152 pages 9" x 12" Paperback
Copyright 1998
Dover Publications, Inc.
ISBN: 0486401839


Original Sheet Music for 38 classic blues song from 1920 through 1921. Included are "The St. Louis Blues", The Jelly Roll Blues", "Beale Street', and other classics of the era. Most have lyrics, but a few instrumentals are included.

[bealeblues]

if you ever get the chance to hear the bues on my street, i highly highly recommend it....

[Coffee]

Originally posted by bealeblues
if you ever get the chance to hear the boos on my street, i highly highly recommend it....

...while you are singing in the shower?

[bealeblues]

well that too....

[dinzdale]

...from the people who can see him