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12-16-2002, 04:57 PM
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#1 |
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monkey
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Anywhere but Philadelphia
Posts: 36
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POST DEITY PURCHASE QUESTIONAIRE
POST DEITY PURCHASE QUESTIONAIRE
============================================= God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes _ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
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"Sorry if I'm not funny tonight, ladies, and gentlemen, but I'm not a comedian, I'm Lenny Bruce" -Lenny Bruce- Last edited by SimplyCosmic : 12-16-2002 at 07:38 PM. |
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12-16-2002, 06:08 PM
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#2 |
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monkey
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: the north
Posts: 1,757
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LOL!! I thought this thread was a badly titled questionnaire for those who had just finished dieting. Nevermind.
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12-16-2002, 06:43 PM
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#3 |
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What I Am Wearing.
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Near DC
Posts: 2,573
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ME TOO!! OH MY GARSH!
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12-16-2002, 06:48 PM
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#4 |
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Lollypop!
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: we are all made of stars
Posts: 11,690
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hahahaha, make that three!!!
__________________
Be yourself, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss |
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12-16-2002, 07:26 PM
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#5 |
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baaaaah?
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: No(r)way
Posts: 4,733
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This is too fking long, cosmic! Anyhow, i'll give it a shot. That is how nice I am.
1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls _x_ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah _x_ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes /ehhhh __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes _ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin _x_ The Sun __ The Moon _x_ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery _x_ Astrology _x_ Television _x_ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books _x_ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Biorhythms _x_ Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) Hi!, I'm here! oyy! Yeah, I am the little man waving
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RuneT RuneT, respect!! |
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12-16-2002, 07:38 PM
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#6 |
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What I Am Wearing.
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Near DC
Posts: 2,573
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Dahling, it's ok! We love it! Infact, we should name a diet after it
 @>--- |
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12-16-2002, 07:39 PM
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#7 |
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________
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 5,131
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deity diet?
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12-16-2002, 07:41 PM
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#8 |
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in limbo
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 19,503
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yes! more questions!
 here we go... 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls X_ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna X_ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes X_ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes X_ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. X_ Indoctrinated by parents X_ Needed a reason to live X_ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal X_ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun X_ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford X_ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry X_ Other: Tom Jones, Bruce Willis, Steven Spielberg 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. X_ Tarot X_ Lottery X_ Astrology X_ Television X_ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books X_ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll X_ Biorhythms X_ Alcohol X_ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert X_ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water request for possibility in summertime as well 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul X_ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) see question 8b. |
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12-16-2002, 07:43 PM
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#9 |
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monkey
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Anywhere but Philadelphia
Posts: 36
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I FIXED IT
I fixed the spelling where I could, , but I think the idea of a post-dieting puchase questionaire could actually end up being even funnier than the "Deity" one.
Diana
__________________
"Sorry if I'm not funny tonight, ladies, and gentlemen, but I'm not a comedian, I'm Lenny Bruce" -Lenny Bruce- |
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12-16-2002, 08:27 PM
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#10 |
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Butt-F***ing the World
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: the other side of normal
Posts: 5,863
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity? _x_ Divine Inspiration 2. Which model deity did you acquire? _x_ most of the above plus many others 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? _x_ Yes _x_ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: _x_ Permits sex outside of marriage _x_ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people _x_ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people _x_ Looks after life other than that on Earth 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. _x_ Fear of death _x_ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. _x_ Tarot _x_ Astrology _x_ Fortune cookies _x_ Palmistry _x_ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll _x_ Alcohol _x_ Tea Leaves _x_ Other: numerology, magic 8 ball 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: f. More cheese on my potato wedges at BW3 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? _xxxxxxxxxx_ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) |
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12-17-2002, 06:43 PM
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#11 |
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one classy broad
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: The Cornhusker State
Posts: 1,229
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POST DEITY PURCHASE QUESTIONAIRE
============================================= God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Bible 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ None 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Other: Just knew 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ The Almighty Dollar 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 5 flood 5 famine 5 earthquake 5 war & holocausts 5 pestilence 5 plague 1 Spam 4 AOL b. Miracles: 5 rescues 4 spontaneous remissions 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 5 crying statues 5 water changing to wine 1 walking on water 5 coincidence of any sort 1 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) Ummm...If he wouldn't mind terribly, there's this guy named Chad...that...yeah. Ow.
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I'd rather be making out. Last edited by beckstra : 12-17-2002 at 06:48 PM. |
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