lets get married

[JesusTitties]

Love shouldn't be the sole reason for getting married or staying in a relationship, says psychotherapist Daniel Rutley.
When I was in my mid-teens, my peers were saying things like "I want to get married by the time I'm 23 (or whatever age)." I always thought that this was an odd way of talking about marriage. It wasn't about compatibility; it was about getting married.

As I got older and into the present, I would talk to someone - usually a young woman - who is about to get married and I ask her "Why are you going to marry this guy?" Her response was most often, "I love him!"

What an absolutely nutty reason to get married. I've spoken with many women that when asked about the possibility of leaving their men, reply "But I love him!"

Let me make this crystal clear - one of the stupidest reasons for getting married or staying in a bad marriage is love. Period!

You want to get married because you are compatible: you have similar goals; he will be a good friend and supporter; that you are of similar nature; that you enjoy many of the same important things; you both want (or don't want) children; AND that you love each other. You don't get married just because of love. That is dangerous, infantile and immature. Yet countless, supposedly mature adults do this every year for this single reason.

Mature healthy love is certainly a necessary ingredient in a good relationship, but it is not sufficient in and of itself.

First off - and please don't shoot the messenger - but it is virtually impossible to give something that you don't have and self-identity is finished forming around the 27th year of life. How can you get married and give of yourself when you marry early and your self-identity still hasn't formed?

If you get married (or something similar) before your identity as a separate autonomous human being has formed, you interfere with this process. And even many older adults still struggle with who they are.

Healthy long-term relationships that stand the test of time are based on compatibility. There are different types of compatibility or incompatibility.

Profound incompatibility often just doesn't occur. Examples could include a strict orthodox Jew marrying an atheist or someone who wants six kids marrying someone who can't stand being around children. The differences are so severe that
the match is not likely to occur in the first place. If it does, one, if not both individuals, is likely to become very dissatisfied with the way his or her life is turning out.

Another type of incompatibility occurs when one partner (if not both) is behaving "neurotically," unhealthily or immaturely.

If you are depressed, anxious, angry, insecure, jealous, picky, controlling, passive, obsessive or compulsive, someone else (i.e. your partner) will pay the price for your behaviour. This will interfere with the possibility of a good, healthy relationship. If any of these describe you or your partner, seek professional assistance in dealing with these issues sooner rather than later.

Another area of compatibility to consider when choosing a mate or deciding to stay with one, is the issue of lifestyle. Do you like the same movies, restaurants, types of vacations, healthy style of conflict resolution, money management, long-term goals, child rearing style, etc? There is a lot of compromise in the best of relationships. Each time you compromise, one or both of you get less of what you want. After a while, if this is excessive, it can become tiring.

How about personality? Are you similar in character, curiosity, vitality, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, artistic interest, adaptability, self-concept, moods, communication, kindness, autonomy/closeness, humour, sociability, energy, ambition, education, spirituality, values, morals, and ethics?

This list only scratches the surface but it is a guide for you to consider. The greater the similarity between two people - including emotional health and maturity - the better the chance of a relationship working long term.

[lapietra]

When I get married, it's going to be for:
a) quality of backrubs
b) quality of smooches
c) willingness to act goofy
d) reciprocity
e) good arguing habits (and knowing when to agree to disagree)
f) cuddleworthiness
g) some other stuff

[joppa.gal]

I so agree with everything posted in this thread.

My S/O and I would probably be business partners if we weren't so mutually attracted. We make such a dynamite team on projects that we work on. Our communication is just second nature.

Yeah, like Tina Turner says, "What's love got to do with it?"

[zenbabe]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I dig being married!

[trisherina]

I dig being the person the Man of Rat would want to be married to.

[Audreyvgs]

I like this whole thing.

Who I marry will be based on the dowry her parents have to offer. I require at least two cows, seven sheep and one dozen chickens.

[Avalon]

Originally posted by imdrsmooth
Who I marry will be based on the dowry her parents have to offer. I require at least two cows, seven sheep and one dozen chickens.

No goats??!!

Goats are so last year.

[sparticle]

If the only thing keeping Mr. Spart and I hitched was moonlight and roses, the Good Ship Matrimony would have been belly up a long time ago. We get along, we can talk, and we have a lot of fun together, plus we complement each other -- he's very diplomatic and level-headed and even and I'm temperamental, moody and outspoken, he's cautious and thorough and I'm spontaneous and adventurous, etc.

But he does like baseball and he plays ice hockey, which is good, because I don't think I'd survive a mixed marriage.

[Avalon]

Originally posted by imdrsmooth
Goats are so last year.

See, I have been married so long, I have lost track of what is Dowry Trendy. In the stone age it was goats and geese..though I would have prefered it to be CDs and videos.

[priceyfatprude]

I admire those of you who can stay married.

I can't stand having someone in my face 24/7, so don't think I will ever be able to be married.

But the son of our Lord and titties makes some fine points with his post.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by priceyfatprude
I admire those of you who can stay married.

I can't stand having someone in my face 24/7, so don't think I will ever be able to be married.

But the son of our Lord and titties makes some fine points with his post.

Given it to do over again, I'm not so sure I'd jump into it.

Companionship in your golden years seems to be a questionable compensation for putting up with forty years of somebody's bullshit (theirs OR yours) day in and day out. And believe it or not, I'm the kind of person who can go happily for three days without saying a word to another soul or seeing anyone. You'd never know it from my prolific posting, but I find that face-to-face is an entirely different thing. I can type all night back-and-forth and love it, but the sad truth is I get tired of just about anybody after two hours "live". (I know, I'm a self-centered bastard. ) Mr. Spart, unfortunately, is of the type who can't go half an hour without talking to SOMEBODY. Sometimes this causes difficulties. He's finally learned to read my "let me be" signs, but it was a hard-won realization. heh.

Still, we're almost in our dotage already, and we've made it this far. It's funny, but for the long-married, sometimes continuity becomes kind of an end in itself. Maybe that speaks to the mediocrity of conventional marriage, but it's kind of like Cal Ripken Jr. and his never-miss-a-game thing. The only thing with marriage is you really don't get a day off. I think the fact that we take separate vacations has probably saved us. I don't care how great a marriage is, no one person should ever be expected to meet all of another's needs. You need a life of your own or you are going to be horribly unhappy at some point.

[Avalon]

I think the fact that we take separate vacations has probably saved us. I don't care how great a marriage is, no one person should ever be expected to meet all of another's needs. You need a life of your own or you are going to be horribly unhappy at some point.

************************************************** ***
I agree.
Bottom line, I married my husband because I love him. Loved him then, love him now. We are friends as well as lovers. If this wasn't the way of it, I would have taken a walk during the first 7 years; God knows there were enough reasons for both of us to throw in the towel. But we loved each other enough to keep trying; knowing that the circumstances that made our life so rough were temporary. *if you call 10 years temporary*

We have separate, yet intertwined lives that make us a unit. We have always had common goals and diametrically opposed methods of attaining them. But I have never been bored, felt unloved, or unattractive to my husband. He is a rock, my rock.
He and our marriage have been worth everything it has taken to get here; I intend to stay with it.

[madasacutsnake]

And believe it or not, I'm the kind of person who can go happily for three days without saying a word to another soul or seeing anyone. You'd never know it from my prolific posting, but I find that face-to-face is an entirely different thing. I can type all night back-and-forth and love it, but the sad truth is I get tired of just about anybody after two hours "live". (I know, I'm a self-centered bastard. )

Don't come knocking on my cave door either.