Prissyhiking

[daverbee]

My friend Dana came up with these guidelines for novice female hikers in love with the idea of hiking but not with the reality of it. I came up with similar rules for novice male hikers:

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The Prissyhiker Guidelines -

1) Take any and all pictures BEFORE the hike starts so you'll look
your very best.

2) Ha! Number Two is out of the question!

3) Get a spot perm before a hike so the heat and humidity won't cause your 'doo to go flat.

4) Be sure to wear comfortable shoes which go with your outfit.
Something from Victoria's Secret always works well for me.

5) The words Eeek! and Eww! are perfectly acceptable and should be used liberally while hiking . These apply as follows: Eek! for frogs, lizards, snakes, or anything creepy or crawly. Eww! is used for mud, spider webs, etc.

6) Essentials for a hike includes lipstick and a compact mirror.. Not
to signal for help.. to check to make sure you don't have gunk in
your teeth.

7) The single most important factor in purchasing a daypack is: does it color coordinate with my hiking clothes?

8) If you are faced with the dilemma of some man wanting to take your picture when you are hot, sweaty, and gross at the END of a hike, use emergeny measures:
Pull UP your blouse at once. This will call attention to your most
outstanding features and away from your disheveled hair and smeared makeup.

9) If you must pee in the woods Send all men into the next county
first.

10) If faced with a difficult boyfriend or male hiking buddy who
refuses to go into the next county... Remember Emergency Manuevers work here too.. Take his expensive man toys (i.e. GPS, compass, altimeter, work great for this)... and fling it over a cliff or embankment far enough to keep him occupied while you take care of business.

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Prissy Male Hiker Guidelines -

1. Never ask for directions. This, of course, applies to all males,
but especially for a Prissy Male. You have a GPS, you don't need
directions!

2. Forget it. See Prissyhiker guidelines for women.

3. Leave the map at home. That's why you spent $500 on the GPS, remember?

4. When you've spent six days wandering around in the woods trying to figure out how the GPS works, send it back to the manufacturer and threaten to sue them for lost time at work.

5. Buy the most expensive clothes and shoes you can. Spend no time at all breaking in the shoes.

6. All that talk about alcohol not being a good idea for quenching
your thirst when you're dehydrated? Not true.

7. Pee anywhere you want. Look at it as marking your territory. If
you see another man peeing somewhere, go over and pee on top of his to eliminate that as part of his territory and claim it for your own.

8. Get the most expensive digital camera you can find and tell
everyone you meet about all the technical features it has. Go into
excruciating detail. If they're out in the wilderness they must long
for the sound of a human voice, don't you think?

9. When buying a backpack, make sure yours is smaller than your
wife's/girlfriend's. She could afford to lose some weight so why not give her the benefit of a little extra exercise? Don't tell her this.

10. Bring a cell phone. Check it to make sure it's working every
three minutes. When it is working, call the office and talk about
work or one of your friends and talk about sports.

[zenbabe]

11.) Bring extra pack of smokes

[daverbee]

Or as my friend Longineu would suggest: Bring a good spliff to toke on now and again...

[Magpie]

... and don't fart in the tent!

opps, that's camping.

[Coffee]

13) Make sure to purchase a top of the line carbon fiber collapsable hiking stick with compass in the stock and camera mount so that you can swing around with it while pointing out every damn little brown bird you see, injuring your more hiking capable friends in the process, so that they don't force you to walk to fast. Make sure to deomonstrate your care for your equipment by tossing it carefully across streams before fording them so you won't get your new top of the line hiking stick wet.