Christmas is Cancelled

[Spicy Jack]

Christmas is Cancelled

After reviewing “separation of church and state” issues, we have come to the conclusion that Christmas is hereby canceled. The government has recognized the people’s cries for full enforcement of the law, and therefore will no longer recognize Christmas. All city parades, mayoral tree lighting, city property decorations, and Christmas music will be removed from city grounds.

Along with canceling Christmas, all “religious symbols” will be removed from public, city, and government property. All religions will be taken into consideration. These symbols include, but are not limited to: crosses, statues, monuments, references to any gods, deities, and possible words that can be misconstrued as deities. People are earnestly requested not to crowd together unnecessarily under any circumstances. This refers especially to gatherings for purpose of fellowship. Gatherings of more than three unrelated people will be asked to disperse.

All public schools, cinemas, theaters, coffee shops and other places of educations and entertainment are to be closed immediately until further notice. Sports gatherings and all gatherings of entertainment and amusement, whether outdoor or indoor, which involve large numbers congregating together are prohibited until further notice.