Survive a Natural Disaster - ZEFRANK.COM

JesusTitties · 01-09-2005, 10:00 PM

Professional Tips on How to Survive a Natural Disaster

Protip #1: Discipline the Earth every time it does something wrong.

If we continue to let the Earth push us around it will. Every time you feel the ground shake or it rains too much and your 5 million dollar mansion in Malibu falls into the ocean... again, go outside and hit the ground with a rolled up newspaper while saying, "Bad!" and "No! We don't do that! No!" While this has the possible side effect of your neighbors committing you in a mental institution and looting your home and stealing all your triple penetration pornography, who cares? Why would you listen to me anyway?

Protip #2: Don't sleep naked.

Every time there was an earthquake in my neighborhood we always got to see who slept naked. After an earthquake there would be several people standing outside with a pillow covering their genitals. Folks, if you live in an area prone to earthquakes, wear some pajamas please. If you are a hot chick with massive breasts please disregard this info.

Better watch out! Earthquake is coming for you!
Protip #3: Please don't make jokes that the fat kid in the neighborhood must have fallen out of bed.

Folks, when I was young there was always a kid in the neighborhood who would make this joke after an earthquake. I ****ing hated it. It's the stupidest goddamn thing you could say and he did it every single time. "Holy shit dude Paco fell out of bed!" Ugh! Then you would go to school and people would say it, only with another fat kid's name in place of the last fat kid. Please stop! This joke is more played out than Photoshop Phriday. It's not that I like fat people, I just can't stand this joke whenever it's told anymore.

Protip #4: Don't be gay.

If you are gay then God will kill you with a volcano, a flood, or the cancellation of The O.C.. God hates homosexuals and will do everything in his power to stop them from corrupting our children and reality television shows. Marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN or a very feminine looking man. If you can trick God into thinking your partner is a woman or a man then go for it. But he will be triple angry when he finds out!

Protip #5: Don't live somewhere that is called "The Ring of Fire".

The Ring of Fire is a zone that encompasses Indonesia, Japan, the west coast of the United States, and the west coast of South America. 81% of the world's largest Earthquakes occur here. Now I'm no big city lawyer or nothin' like that, but if someone told me that I was moving to a place called the Ring of Fire, I'd change course and move to the Ring of Hicks in the south-east of the United States instead. Sure there would be hicks and grandpa on granddaughter orgies but at least there wouldn't be any ****ing earthquakes.

Protip #6: Tornados are more afraid of you than you are of them.

When a tornado touches down on land many people's first instinct is to run away from it. This is WRONG and will only make it more angry. Tornados can smell fear. Simply stand your guard and make yourself look bigger than you really are while growling. This will show the tornado who's boss and drive it away. Many people can be saved by this ingenius technique.

Protip #7: Tag along with a helpful turtle.

Turtles are nature's taxis. Many of you have probably read the story of how a baby hippo teamed up with a helpful turtle and went on a fabulous adventure together. Remember, if you are ever in trouble, grab onto a turtle and everything will be all right. Last year I was having trouble with the IRS about my tax return. So what I did was, I jumped on a turtle and he settled my dispute for only pennies on the dollar. I love turtles.

zenbabe · 01-09-2005, 10:12 PM

priceyfatprude · 01-09-2005, 10:30 PM

*worships at the altar of Jesus TItties*

trisherina · 01-10-2005, 01:01 AM

zenbabe · 01-11-2005, 05:03 AM

trisherina · 01-11-2005, 06:14 AM

101 Freeway, So. Cal. near Santa Barbara:

JesusTitties · 01-12-2005, 06:56 AM

hahaha i didnt say that

madasacutsnake · 01-12-2005, 10:58 AM

My mistake.

Apparently, you like huge dangly nuts.

Large Marge · 01-13-2005, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madasacutsnake

My mistake.

Apparently, you like huge dangly nuts.

Too funny.

01-12-2005, 10:58 AM	#8
madasacutsnake no more nice girl Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 5,054	My mistake. Apparently, you like huge dangly nuts. __________________ He really shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

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01-09-2005, 10:00 PM	#1
JesusTitties ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 3,124	Survive a Natural Disaster Professional Tips on How to Survive a Natural Disaster Protip #1: Discipline the Earth every time it does something wrong. If we continue to let the Earth push us around it will. Every time you feel the ground shake or it rains too much and your 5 million dollar mansion in Malibu falls into the ocean... again, go outside and hit the ground with a rolled up newspaper while saying, "Bad!" and "No! We don't do that! No!" While this has the possible side effect of your neighbors committing you in a mental institution and looting your home and stealing all your triple penetration pornography, who cares? Why would you listen to me anyway? Protip #2: Don't sleep naked. Every time there was an earthquake in my neighborhood we always got to see who slept naked. After an earthquake there would be several people standing outside with a pillow covering their genitals. Folks, if you live in an area prone to earthquakes, wear some pajamas please. If you are a hot chick with massive breasts please disregard this info. Better watch out! Earthquake is coming for you! Protip #3: Please don't make jokes that the fat kid in the neighborhood must have fallen out of bed. Folks, when I was young there was always a kid in the neighborhood who would make this joke after an earthquake. I **ing hated it. It's the stupidest goddamn thing you could say and he did it every single time. "Holy shit dude Paco fell out of bed!" Ugh! Then you would go to school and people would say it, only with another fat kid's name in place of the last fat kid. Please stop! This joke is more played out than Photoshop Phriday. It's not that I like fat people, I just can't stand this joke whenever it's told anymore. Protip #4: Don't be gay. If you are gay then God will kill you with a volcano, a flood, or the cancellation of The O.C.. God hates homosexuals and will do everything in his power to stop them from corrupting our children and reality television shows. Marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN or a very feminine looking man. If you can trick God into thinking your partner is a woman or a man then go for it. But he will be triple angry when he finds out! Protip #5: Don't live somewhere that is called "The Ring of Fire". The Ring of Fire is a zone that encompasses Indonesia, Japan, the west coast of the United States, and the west coast of South America. 81% of the world's largest Earthquakes occur here. Now I'm no big city lawyer or nothin' like that, but if someone told me that I was moving to a place called the Ring of Fire, I'd change course and move to the Ring of Hicks in the south-east of the United States instead. Sure there would be hicks and grandpa on granddaughter orgies but at least there wouldn't be any **ing earthquakes. Protip #6: Tornados are more afraid of you than you are of them. When a tornado touches down on land many people's first instinct is to run away from it. This is WRONG and will only make it more angry. Tornados can smell fear. Simply stand your guard and make yourself look bigger than you really are while growling. This will show the tornado who's boss and drive it away. Many people can be saved by this ingenius technique. Protip #7: Tag along with a helpful turtle. Turtles are nature's taxis. Many of you have probably read the story of how a baby hippo teamed up with a helpful turtle and went on a fabulous adventure together. Remember, if you are ever in trouble, grab onto a turtle and everything will be all right. Last year I was having trouble with the IRS about my tax return. So what I did was, I jumped on a turtle and he settled my dispute for only pennies on the dollar. I love turtles.

01-09-2005, 10:12 PM	#2
zenbabe Lollypop! Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: we are all made of stars Posts: 11,690	__________________ Be yourself, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

01-09-2005, 10:30 PM	#3
priceyfatprude girthy pickles Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: under your desk Posts: 9,313	worships at the altar of Jesus TItties __________________ "We like your board's features...but don't care about it's people"

01-10-2005, 01:01 AM	#4
trisherina meretricious dilettante Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 11,068	__________________ Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard

01-11-2005, 05:03 AM	#5
zenbabe Lollypop! Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: we are all made of stars Posts: 11,690	__________________ Be yourself, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

01-11-2005, 06:14 AM	#6
trisherina meretricious dilettante Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 11,068	101 Freeway, So. Cal. near Santa Barbara: __________________ Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard

01-12-2005, 06:56 AM	#7
JesusTitties ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 3,124	hahaha i didnt say that