Dear Mobby :: Crowd Sourced Advice

Dear Mobby,

This is a more generalized version of the request that started this
whole thing off. I have been very close friends with a girl for
several years. Though we talked about it, neither of us ever took an
interest in moving beyond a friendship, but a few weeks ago, I started
entertaining the idea of us being together. We've both said that we
would be happy living together as friends and she has actually invited
me to move with her when she moves for her new job in the Fall. So I
told her how I felt and she said she doesn't feel the same way and
besides, she's feeling pretty messed up by relationships right now
(understandably so).

I've been burned by similar situations before and lost close friends,
but I'd hate to miss out on something good because I was too chicken
to follow through. Sometimes persistence can win the day . . . or it
can land you in Tucson with no girlfriend and no best friend. She'd be
worth waiting on, but I'd be crushed if I took a risk with our
friendship and lost. Maybe I'm misjudging my own emotional reaction to
feeling closer to her. Maybe I just want a girlfriend and jumped for
the closest female relationship I have. Do you have any experience or
advice to share? Do I run with this or just learn to stay friends?

(Do we . . . do we use mood/location alliterations here?)
Indecisive in Itasca

Here's a problem that's not about relationships. At thirty years old I went back to school and recently received my bachelors degree. I have just started a masters degree program. I am fully funded and receiving a stipend in exchange for 20 hours a week as a research assistant. I have a working wife and a 16 month old son. My stipend is just enough to cover day care. The problem is that I just don't have enough time. Right now I am barely getting my class work done, let alone actually doing my 20 hours of RA work. In the meantime the house hasn't been cleaned in ages, the lawn hasn't been mowed, the yard is covered in a pile of leaves. . .

I enjoy being in school, but the main reason I am trying to get a masters degree is so that I have more job options and can earn a higher salary. A friend of mine who graduated with me from the same program, but with worse grades, just got a job in the field paying more than I would ever have expected for a starting salary and with a month of paid vacation.

Now I'm trying to decide if I should quit grad school so I just work nine to five and not have any homework. Do I really need a masters degree if starting salaries for a bachelors degree are higher than I expected, or will my potential for advancement be limited? I'm killing myself with stress and lack of sleep just to get by, and the whole reason I went back to school is so that I wouldn't have to work long hours.

Gus (not my real name, so feel free to use it)

Dear Mobby,
I am in the last stages of applying to graduate school. Ultimately, I crave the community of artists and academics I left back in college, and I want to gain skills that I cannot teach myself in order to pursue a career in animation.

I love to travel, I have a ceaseless desire to create things, and other jobs in the film industry (the area in which I received my BA) bore me to death. My hope is that graduate school will provide me with the credentials and skills I will need to land a decent paying job in an interesting field.

However, the 80+ grand I'm going to have to swallow is giving me cold sweats. Is there another way, outside of teaching myself Maya, that will leave me less bankrupt and ultimately provide the same amount of satisfaction? Am I merely just falling back on a blueprint laid out by my parent's generation regarding what to do when you're nearly 25 and haven't done anything noteworthy?

I would love to continue working independently, but it is difficult to work 40hrs/week and save up enough time/money to pursue all of my creative ideals, not to mention that I lack the skills needed to bring some of my best ideas to fruition.

Experience, guidance, and/or resources would be lovely.

Sincerely,
habile bumblebee

Hi Mobby,

I've got a lot of difficult life issues I am trying to cope with at
the moment. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm being drowned by them.

The first problem is that my 34 year old husband's 82 year old dad was
diagnosed with 4 types of cancer (throat, stomach, bowel and colon) a
month ago, and broke his back this past monday. He was originally
scheduled to have surgery for his cancer the monday following
Thanksgiving. Since he's in the hospital now for a broken back,
they've moved it up to this up and coming monday, Nov 12th. He may
die during his surgery or during his recovery.

My husband and his 55 year old sister are having a hard time coping.
They lost their mother in 2005, so this is it for them. I am having a
hard time relating to my husband because I don't have the same kind of
relationship with my family that he has had with his, in fact, I
haven't spoken to my family in over a year...and really have no desire
to. But they are still living and it is an uncomfortable fact when the
topic of parents comes up. But one thing for sure is that we are both
afraid of losing his dad to this sooner than we thought because they
push the date of his surgery up.

Problemo numero dos... My department at work is being eliminated, and
while they are going to offer me a completely uncreative job for only
3K less than what I am making now, I have decided to not accept it.
As it turns out, it is very important to me to actually use my 80K BFA
degree and I can't seem to reconcile that with the position I will be
offered. So I have decided to go back to school for an MA in
Education and teach art while I complete my Master's and PHd in
psychology and Art Therapy. That much has been resolved, and is not
the main cause of discomfort... however, I am a lot more distressed
about this loss than I thought I would be, and have concluded that it
comes from the impending loss of the social connections I have made in
the last 7 years. I grew up moving every 2 or 3 years because of my
dad's service in the military, and until I got this job when I was 24,
I'd not had any kind of stability in my social life.

Issue three is financial... and related to #2... in the past two
months, we've had to bite off the cost of installing a new furnace,
and necessary foundation repairs... to the sweet tune of fourteen
thousand dollars. This after the five thousand dollars we put out of
pocket to spend a week with my husband's ailing/dying father. My
endeavor to go back to school to finish up my master's ain't free
either. I might as well have bought a third car I can't drive.

The company I work for has been very dirty and underhanded with their
"severence" options and as it turns out, because my performance has
been good, thus granting me a job offer for a job I can't justify
taking, I (and others in my position) will conveniently not be
eligable to receive severence. So I have had to consider accepting
the penatlies and cash out the entire 401K/profit Sharing and cash
balance that I have ammassed over the last 7 years here to cover it.
Part of me says, take the money and run, I'm only 31, and I'll be
starting another 401K before I'm 35, so I'll be able to catch up over
time with a higher contribution. But then there's that other part of
me that says... ooh, don't touch it, that's my retirement.

And there's other things too, but I'm not sure how big they are in
reality because, the main ones are weighing so heavy on my mind and
little everyday things are starting to look bigger than they are. Do
you have any advice on how to cope with so many stressful life
changing experiences at once without losing your mind? Or at least
can you help me simplify them to a manageable level somehow?

Dear Mobby,

I spent all of High School and the first year and a half of college addicted to Everquest. One year ago, I finally got rid of my PC in a final effort to go cold turkey. I still find myself compulsively in front of my computer expecting it to fulfill me, despite my logical side screaming at me to go do something fun. I've taken up working out and I even started practicing basketball. Before I know it, I am back in front of my computer.

I spoke with a good friend of mine over breakfast this morning. He picked up World of Warcraft in the middle of our freshman year of college after quitting the crew team, which was dominating his time. We both find ourself in this nebulous state that I think many recovering addicts find themselves in. "Addiction is the Triumph of Rhythm Over Life." I need a healthy rhythm, but I don't know how to attain it.

Sincerely, Anxious Ape

Dear Mobby:

Here's the short version:

:: Married for 20 years. 15 of them unhappily.
:: Always faithful even at the bitter end.
:: Happily divorced for a mere nine months.
:: Newly back to "online dating," which is an entirely unfamiliar concept.
:: Met a lot of nice people, none of whom have the quite meshed.
:: Finally met a smart, attractive, emotionally stable woman who
seems, frankly, perfect. Interesting to talk to, long over her
divorce, great in bed, not alarmed by my peculiarities, etc., etc. It
feels perfect in all the logical ways. I could sure do a lot worse.
:: The problem is, she's the first one since the divorce, and, even
thought she seems perfect, I still want to meet other women. If I
don't, I'll always feel like I might have missed something.
:: But I also don't want to lose this really good thing.
:: She, on the other hand, has been through a few others and is ready
to settle down with a steady boyfriend, preferably me.
:: We've talked about this and agree that it is an issue.

So, is it too much to expect to keep what I have, while also
exploring other options? I am committed to being honest about this,
but know if I am too honest, she will be unhappy.

Dear Mobby,

Here's my dilemma. I changed careers. In my late 30s, I went back to school, completed a Master's program, and miraculously was offered a job just prior to my graduation. 40% more pay, 4 day work week. It seemed like a small miracle.

I work as a product marketer. I work for a small company so I get to do a little of everything: design, strategy, brochure work, external articles etc. Over the last year, my boss has been really happy with everything I've done and has offered high praise… until recently.

The reality of this new life became evident lately with a recent product launch (the first in this job): seems I'm not so good at lying about products. Having had a job related to the interests of my customers prior to product marketing, I understand the actual nature of the beast a little too much and empathize with existing customers and their reality. And everything I write feels… pointless. Just so much blah blah and yada yada: banal topics reshaped to sound cool and fantastic.

The basic problem is that I think that I don't really believe in the entire fake world that has been built around marketing, advertising and promotion. (Pompous eh?)

Having recently been asked to "just make up" some quotes lately and create a description for a product that doesn't really exist. . . I just feel sick about it and my own naivety in thinking this was a good direction for me personally to go. A kindly colleague recently suggested that I basically suck it up. But I don't think I'm willing to. I'm not willing to let go of "that thing" in myself that makes me balk at writing this stuff. I have no problem writing fiction when it is presented as fiction, but this is different.
I know that it is ridiculous that I didn't even really consider this before completely changing my career to something totally inappropriate for me.

Here's the question: should I quit? I must admit both the money and the 4 day work week have been pretty choice. I am pretty sure I can find enough freelance writing work over the next year, but this is based on guesses, and it feels like I worked too hard to re-educate and change careers. And my available savings are currently pretty slim after the school years. Arg. Ugh. Blah. I don't really know how to process the next steps. I don't know how to begin.

How do I even begin to reassess (again) what a better career path is for me. And how do I ensure that I take into consideration not just my skills but my values in terms of setting out a new plan? How do I figure out what I really want to do? (Jeez. You'd think that at some point I'd be a grown up and know.)

I've started dreading going in every day, mornings are become more and more difficult to wake up for. This cannot be healthy. But I know that there are many many people who would just be grateful, and that I'm lucky to have made the change so effortlessly. Thanks for any insight.

Blahblah in Limboland

Dear Mobby,

I don't really know what i'm looking for, but i'll tell you my story.
I have been going out with a girl for over a year. Things are pretty
serious. She is the first girl friend I have ever had, and I am her
first boy friend. She is great, smart, funny, absolutely beautiful; I
love her to pieces, and I know she loves me. But I know she isn't
perfect; neither am I. She is recovering anarexic, and still deals
with self image problems alot. Some weeks are better than others, but
sometimes it seems like something she will never fully recover from.
And sometimes i feel her attachment to me is more because I accept her
when she doesnt, than because she really loves me.

Things since we first started going out have moved a steadily fast
rate. She wants to get married, but we are both only 18 so we know we
should wait. I want to wait until after college, and she has to wait
becuase she is going to the air force academy. sometimes I feel like I
could find a beautiful girl that didnt have such an issue with how she
looks (my girlfriend looks great by the way, she is the only one who
doesnt think so) and life would be so much easier... Is this selfish,
I truely love my girl friend, but is love enough to base a future on?
I want what is best for her, but does that mean i need to forget what
is best for me? I don't want to break her heart. But sometimes it is so
hard to be there for her with her problems that I feel like giving up.

So I dont really know what kind of advice I am looking for, but
comments would be helpful. maybe from someone who has known/been with
a recovering anarexic.

Thanks
Drinking pink milk in Roseville.

Dear Mobby,

I'm turning 40 in less than three weeks. I need quick & cheap (inexpensive) mid-life crisis suggestions. Also, do I need to stop wearing my skinny jeans that still fit.

Signed,

39 year old gal