Dear Mobby :: Crowd Sourced Advice

She may be fully over her divorce, but I don't think you are, yet, after only 9 months. I've read that it takes a month for every month you were in a relationship to truly get over it, but that's pretty dreary when the relationship you're trying to get over was 20 years long! Maybe 20 months is a good benchmark.

I've seen this in a lot of men - they get divorced and then settle down, again, with the next woman they date. It's not because of her, though, it's because they're used to being married, and men don't like to change the routine so much (when was the last time you heard a man say, "Gee, I really need a change, let's rearrange the furniture," for example). So they look to get back into the old routine with a new person, and things inevitably go the same way.

It may take another 20 years, 15 of which will be unhappy, but if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. Here's an idea - date her for 5 years, and if year 6 doesn't suck, get engaged. Then be engaged for a year. If it still doesn't suck, get married. After all, what's the hurry? You're too old to have kids, right?

May I say with care and concern for you that the issue doesn't actually seem to be the issue?

Finding a perfect person so quickly after a bad marriage is a miracle, so good on you, toots!

But this idea of possibly missing out on someone "better" (better than perfect - huh?)seems to me to be hiding a big heartache over having been stuck in a miserable marriage for so long.

Were you able to do any counseling around the loss of your marriage, I mean, after you were single? Could there be a part of you that doesn't trust relationships, or perhaps doesn't trust yourself in a relationship?

An unhappy marriage is a very wearing thing for the heart. And a new love can't possibly fix that.

I married again about a year after my first devastating marriage ended. It was a rebound, even though I told myself at the time that it wasn't. I just didn't want to look at the pain. I wanted to be doing the love thing again.

But we weren't compatible, so I finally woke up and ended the marriage, nicely, about 2 years later.

And went into counseling by myself, and began to take the business of love seriously. Four years later, I met my real mate, because I knew what to look for, what to avoid, what questions to ask, and how to create a workable relationship.

Next month will be our 14th anniversary - score!

So maybe it's time to stop looking at the perfect mate you have or the perfect mate who may be lurking in the firmament, and take some time to be with yourself - and process what happened to your heart so that you can actually be available for the lovely person you found.

It may just be too soon for you to be back on the market.

Dear Back on the Horse Guy,

On behalf of the good women of the culture, thank you for being committed to being honest in this new relationship! On behalf of the superlative women, I want to tell you to commit to this lovely one, except for this one little caveat I found in your list: "I could do a lot worse." I think you may not be in love.

Examine your motives. Comfort? Is that enough? Love? Is that possible? Twenty years married and nine months out, how can you be healed enough to really be sure?

I would not want to wake up next to a man who looked at my big blue sleepy dreamswept eyes and thought to himself, "enh, it could be worse..."

Okay, so here's what to do: gingerly, compassionately, carefully, lovingly let her know you are not ready for a commitment. Remind her you have been divorced less than a year and that you just aren't ready.

Don't over explain (you should see how the story turned out in my first draft of this response - it's not pretty). Keep it sweet, simple, loving and caring.

If she is in love with you she will back off but won't go away. In the days and weeks that follow, if you meet a woman you want to have lunch or coffee with, have it. If you want to take her on a date, then you have another conversation with your girlfriend at that point. At this stage, you don't have to know everything.

You're in for a rough bout, but just remember, truth with compassion is best. Just be sure you are certain and clear about your feelings before you bring her into your internal conflict. And remember, the rules that apply to you apply to her as well.

And on her behalf I say: "you could do worse? Prove it!"

Jeano

If you're not ready to commit at the same level she is, don't. It's not really fair to anybody. One thing you could do is really separate yourself from her and go out and find these "other women" you so desire. A note - if you do this, DON'T expect her to wait for you. Not only is that incredibly selfish, but it won't let you really explore how you would feel if you really did let her go forever. Say you stay away from her for a few months (years?) and then realize you really miss her and would like to get back together. You'd have a pretty good level of commitment then, plus you would have had lots of time to date other people. On the other hand, say you realize after a few months of being away from her that your life is much better than it was when you knew her. You will have already taken care of awkward goodbyes, so on you can go!

Win-win!

I really agree with what Karla wrote, though. It's good to wait a long time after dating again, to make sure that the next person you date isn't simply the exact opposite of your previous mate or - horror of horrors! - an embodiment of your old relationship. If the first time didn't turn out so good, are you sure you trust your judgement for a second go-round?

Maybe you do. Awesome.

One thing that I realized the last time my heart got broken was that the circumstances of how you come together don't really have that much of an effect on whether or not you'll end up together again. What matters is your perspective on your relationship - before AND after the separation.

My experience with this sort of thing is kind of from the other side. I was much more willing and able to commit to a person than he was willing and able to commit to me. Eventually we broke up, and he dated someone else for a few months. I tried to get over him. I failed, but I resolutely continued to try to move forward with the idea that we would never be together again.

Three and a half months after we broke up and I had almost given up all hope of him remembering how great we had had it, and he contacts me and suggests getting back together.

My point is.... well I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is anything is possible.

One thing I learned from that is that it's a bit tricky to try and stick with something that might turn out good later. You can only really know what is best for you here and now. What is best for you the person is best for your relationship. It's more elegantly phrased thusly: "What is best for me is best for us."

This doesn't mean you should sacrifice long-term goals or commitments for fleeting day-to-day pleasures, but rather that a hypothetically rosy future situation can't justify daily unhappiness.

Wow it's really easy to write a lot in these things.

Thanks for the comments. My sense is indeed that this is "to good to be true" and you both suggest that it might indeed be so and that it takes time (and perhaps counseling) to be really ready for me to accept that it is, in fact, true.

I have found dating to be fun--I have met some very interesting new people and know that taking it slow is the right thing to do, but am drawn into this new relationship. And my fear is exactly that it could indeed be rebound, comfort with marriage, or something else. And, indeed, I do not trust myself in relationships--I don't have enough experience with what a healthy relationship means.

And talking to my counselor is exactly what I need to do. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

(And, you are right, I do like being married--but I also like rearranging the furniture)

I'm a bit confused by your issue. You met someone you really like, and she really likes you. What's the problem?

You want to continue shopping around, but why? She's smart, attractive, fun to be with, she knows about your "peculiarities" (whatever those may be) but hasn't run for cover. Heck, even the sex it good.

Things might be a bit different if she insisted on getting married. You're obviously not ready for that particular step, but all you're talking about is seeing more of someone you apparently really care about. "Going steady" as they say in high school.

You've somehow managed to stumble into something wonderful and something you're pretty happy with. You're not locking yourself into a long term commitment you're not ready for. Go with it and be happy.

Having been with the 'perfect person' for 20 years and widowed for 5 years, congratulations to you for finding someone who makes you happy.

I could imagine that part of the psychology is that if you found one so easily, maybe there's someone else out there who's even better, and you don't want to miss out on that chance.

However, let me tell you, people who you like a lot and people who like you a lot are sets that don't intersect that often. Usually you get an inequality there that causes difficulties in the relationship. If you've found someone who enjoys you as much as you enjoy her, well, it seems to me that's somewhat rare. I wouldn't assume that you will be able to replace that easily.

Do you really want to give up sure thing for a potential thing?

Well, well, well...it seems that here we have quite the pickle, huh? Not only is your problem an unfortunate one, you have received two suggestions that are equally good and yet completely contradictory.

My suggestion would be to go with the last paragraph of the first comment. Date her for a few years, and if everything is still great, get engaged; stay engaged for a while just to be doubly positive, and then get married if that's still what you want. i mean, you don't want to give this up, but you really, really don't wanna rush into it either.