Dear Mobby :: Crowd Sourced Advice

Gus, for the worth of your Master's, I'd say it really depends on what it is you're studying. Some areas (e.g. Chemistry) really need a Master's in order for there to be much advancement potential, and some (e.g. Computer Science) don't.

My gut says if you're unhappy, you should look into other options. Maybe you can put the Master's on hold while you get a job for now, and come back to it in a couple of years without losing credit, or maybe you can bump down to part-time status and take a single class at a time. Your kid won't be 16 months old forever, and it's trite but true to say you'll never get that time with him back.

Hi, Gus.

I'm currently in my fourth year of a PhD in Medieval History; fully funded, 20 hours per week as a TA. I'm also 30 years old. I know exactly what you're going through. I have worked myself half to death for three years, and I'm starting to crash. The only thing that keeps me going is my love for the work that I do.

So, I offer you this series of questions to help you sort this out:

The first question is, do you love it? Whatever your Master's degree will be in, is it your passion in life? Or, are you just slogging through to get more money at the end?

If the latter is the case, then the next question is, can you slog for two years? (I'm assuming that your program is a two-year - what I wouldn't give to have been done in two years!) I don't want to make it sound like, "it's only two years," which, if we're lucky, amounts to about 2% of our lives, and with a small child, two years is a lot of development and change (I must say, I do not have a child, but my husband and I would love to be parents - the grad school thing is getting in the way right now).

And thinking of that child: will your Master's degree help you provide more for the little one and your Mrs.? Or, if you get the Master's, will the job require you to spend more time at work? It seems from your post that you consider time with your family more valuable than money, and that the Master's will allow you a job with fewer hours. This alone might make it worth it in the long run. Your child will remember less about the earlier months and years of his/her life than they will about the upcoming years, so it might be worth it to get grad school out of the way now, and be able spend more time with your little one in a couple of years.

And, to keep this grad school stuff in perspective, I offer the "Dirty Little Secrets of Grad Students":

1. Everyone is in the same boat. Everyone's house is a wreck, everyone is exhausted, everyone is neglecting their family and friends, and everyone feels guilty about it.

2. Everyone is just as far behind in the class work as you are. Nobody has started writing the papers a month before they are due. Nobody has done the reading as closely as you think they have. It's physically impossible.

3. Everyone assumes that they're the only one in this situation, because nobody else wants to admit it for fear of looking weak.

4. Everyone asks themselves, at least once a week, if they really want to be putting themselves through all this.

There are no easy answers in this situation. Just know that as impossible as it seems, you can do it. The grad committee admitted you because they believe you can do it, and the people who wrote your recommendations believe in you, too. If a Master's degree will help you and your family in the long run, and if you love your work, I say stick with it. If you are absolutely miserable and/or grad school is putting an unreasonable strain on your marriage, then consider whether it's really worth all the headaches (literal and figurative).

I gotta tell you. I'm an old lady, long gone from the educational system. With very few word substitutions Catherine's list of "dirty secrets" applies to life after grad school too. In a sense, life and life choices never become different or easier. One day grad school, the next a job. It's always a challenge to achieve balance.

I believe very strongly that "do I love it" question is always the most pertinent one to ask about anything you're devoting your time and energy to, though. The passion is what matters. Clean houses don't. They really, really don't. If you truly love what you're doing, you will find the energy to do it, And the positive effects of living your passion will seep into every area of your life including your relationships with your spouse and children and friends. Oddly, it will even seep into the financial area. Maybe not in the way, or in the amount, we might like, but if you follow your passion, you will find the support you need.

Dear Not-Gus,

I'll quote Rawson Marshall Thurber in this instance, screenwriter of the great literary masterpiece film, "Dodgeball". It is the scene in which Peter La Fleur, played by Vince Vaughn, encounters Lance Armstrong (as himself) at the airport, just as La Fleur is about to quit the team and go home. After hearing La Fleur's sob story, Armstrong says, "I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life."

Not-Gus, if this rings true for you, and you'll know if it is true because it will hit you like a dodgeball-ball to the belly, then don't quit. This is the part of life where you are "struggling". It is temporary, and the degree isn't actually that far off. Step back, look at the big picture, breathe, and ask the 40 year old future Not-Gus what he thinks you should have done.

Jeano

Catherine has some very good comments above. As someone else who is also in their early 30s and getting a second Master's, here are my thoughts:

1. Don't shortchange future-you and your future family because the going is tough right now. Yes, you could probably get a job that pays well now, but will the lack of a Master's hold you back from moving up in the future? It will never get easier to go back and get the Master's. So if it's something that will help your career, do it now while you can squish it all into two years. Imagine working a full-time job and trying to take one class a semester at night for 5 years. You'll miss more of your child's life that way.

2. Find other people in your program with children and talk it over with them. The may have strategies for coping. At the very least, they'll be able to share your misery. What about a study group where people bring their kids and you trade off who watches them?

3. Figure out what you can afford to pay someone else to do and what you can just let go. Does your household income stretch to paying someone to come in and clean once a week? Can you hire a lawn service? If not, talk with your wife and see if you can agree on a minimum level of work that you'd both be happy with. Is she ok with the leaves being raked once at the end of the fall instead of every weekend? Figure out what compromises work for your family and make them. No one can do it all.

4. Keep your eye on the prize: a better job, more money, and hopefully access to more satisfying jobs. Remember to think long term, and not just what would work for the next year or two.

Mine is a less informed, and youthful opinion, so bear that in mind if I seem a bit optimistic or perhaps unrealistic to your sensibilities.

College has always seemed like an endurance match more than anything else. Seeing as how you've already got your foot in the door, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity of burning through it and making the best of your home life. This is what I would do, and I think would improve your confidence in making life even better in hte long run than focusing on the immediate future.

Most importantly, heed your wife's advice. While I know your happiness is of the utmost value, her happiness should contribute to your own. If the prospect is as unclear by the time you really have to make a decision, follow your wife's opinion.

Gus,

I am in my mid thirties, way out of school though I have taken a few graduate classes, working, pregnant mother of a 13 mth old...

My advice comes from someone who hires people in the business world. I am often shocked at how many people pursue an MBA (for example) with the expectation of making more money... The degree holds very little value (if not coming after a period of substantial work and being provided by a worthwhile school) in my opinion. I do think that holding an Economics degree (in this field--investments) has value but would certainly entertain helping (financing, time consideration) the individual work while schooling...

My point is this: If you are not driven by the pursuit of this degree (ie it doesn't move you in a passionate way and provide you with knowledge or access to knowledge that you would seriously miss or crave), than can it. It sounds like from your post that the pursuit was based on a monetary desire (which is perfectly fine...you do have a family to consider) and that not only is the passion slipping now as a result of the strain but possibly was not there to begin with.

Unless the position you ultimately seek demands a higher degree, then put that energy and passion into actually working. Put the time and studying into how you can apply yourself within your field and excel at what you do in that fashion.

Yes, the leaves will always be there to rake (believe me, I still do not have any grass growing in my yard because of the lack of care there...). But ultimately you want to be there for your family...

So without knowing the degree you seek or the true intent behind it, I would advise that you let lay the master's and take the gainfully employed route. It sounds like your wife is extremely supportive and she would be a good ear. And I would imagine she knows what drives you best and has some opinions on what suits your family.

Best of luck.

Have you looked into going to classes at night while working full time? Have you looked into an online degree for your masters? Many respected universities offer online (distance learning) masters programs. It can be tricky if your masters requires you to attend lab classes, but you may be able to do at least some of the courses remotely when you have time instead of having to work around your class schedule.

I finished a large portion of my 1st bachelors in Sociology working full time and going to school at night. I am about to start working on a second bachelors, this time in Civil Engineering, working full time and going to classes at night. It is going to take me two years or so longer, but my employer is paying for it, so it is my best option. Most degrees can be done at night or online, I would look into your options.

My gut says that you should take the possibility of a higher salary out of the equation (as long as it's not the difference between having enough to live on and being on welfare) and see how you feel. If it's a matter of enjoying the field or wanting to advance, then still consider it, but more money doesn't tend to make people much happier.

Of course, as an undergrad on an hourly pay rate, none of this comes from experience.

I just received my second master's degree and feel I have a couple more things to add to the excellent comments posted previously.

I did the first master's to prove (mainly to myself) that I could do it, and the second because my answer was a whole-hearted "yes" to the "do you love it?" question. To complete these two degrees, I moved often, and - while I was lucky to get generous funding - adjusted my expectations to allow myself to live as simply as possible. I've now just moved again (partly for financial reasons), and looking for a job - one which will hopefully also fulfill the "do you love it?" requirement. But all of this has come at a cost, of living far away from loved ones and not seeing them very often, of romantic relationships that were cut short or never happened because I had to move or lived too far away, and those costs are the ones I've found hardest to adjust to. Yet, whenever I mention this, many of my friends who've been working all this time, who have good jobs and nice houses and loving souses and cute children, many of them have told me they were jealous of my pursuing my studies and of all the opportunities I've had. I'm now working to nip any regrets I might have - playing the "what if" game being a horrible waste of time.

My point is that you have a wife and son, a house (although one with leaves that need raking), AND you're getting the chance to continue studying. No matter what you decide, there will be some costs associated with that choice - the trick is knowing costs you can live with.

You need to spend time with your wife and son. If you don't, you will very much regret it later. Working your arse off to chase the carrot (i.e., make more money) is hardly worth any time you are losing with your family. Children grow up far too fast for you to miss out on any more of it. Trust me on this one.

I have found, now having been in the working world for quite some time, that degrees and such are good, but they are not gold all by themselves. Hard work, dependability, finishing projects that are assigned to you, etc., are a much better way to get ahead (out here in the work world, experience is key). Right now, get out there and get a job. Take care of your family. Spend time with your family. If you find that you need to go back to school at some point, you can. And you can take your classes one at a time, if you need to. You need not stress yourself like you are doing.

Hope this helps.

Gus,

I would advise against quitting the program outright. For one, it is a blot on your academic record if you decide to go back (an explainable blot, but a blot nonetheless). But the other reason is that in some disciplines, not having a Masters degree can limit your advancement - especially careers that are active within the academic community - and though the starting salaries may be good, you may get stuck at or near that salary for the lifetime of your position as a result.

One option is to move to part-time study, taking a job with an organization in your field, making it clear that you are working on your Masters degree. This can actually work in your favour when the organization is deciding on candidates, as it shows you do intend to advance in the field.

I have heard many stories of people hampered in their career by the lack of an advanced degree. For example, a friend of mine cannot advance up the salary structure at a hospital until he receives his MBA -- despite his career being focused around IT support for hospital resources.

As to the house/garden - let them serve as distractions when the course work is overwhelming. It's amazing how much fun raking leaves becomes when it means you don't have to work on your thesis...

you want to know if getting an advanced degree is worth the pain? well...

i graduated from a master's degree program in june.

i came into the program with 5 years of business work experience, and i still don't have a job.

my friend worked as a civil engineer before he entered the program. he still doesn't have a job.

my other friend worked in construction management before he entered the program. he is now working as a waiter in a diner.

my other friend worked for a not-for-profit before she entered the program. she is now living with her parents. unemployed. frustrated.

my friends who graduated and found jobs are making LESS than they were when they started the program. most of them make under $45k/year in california, which makes them practically below the poverty line.

do the program if you love what you're studying, but don't expect a job when you graduate, high paying or otherwise.

get a degree, never mind it is so tough now. Things will go better eventually.

To Ze: ah now we are happy again. :D

gus,

for starters, my husband is in grad school, i work from home AND we have two kids, so i am sending you all the empathy in my heart. sometimes it feels like hell on earth.

second, it's nearly impossible to make a grounded decision when you are in the thick of it like this. everyone on earth wants to get out of it at this stage of the game. every other option really looks so much better under this kind of stress.

things that helped us:
1. get help with the house and yard (we don't have money for this, but a divorce would be so much more expensive). you cannot afford not to. even a catchup fix will help your mental state.
2. ask everyone you know to encourage you--especially people you know who've finished school. sometimes in this case, you just need a lot more encouragement to get through.
3. take a weekend off and sleep. seriously. you need it.
4. talk to your advisor and share your doubts.

after all this if you still want to quit, you can go from there. but my guess is you will regret it in the long run, especially if you have a lot of time in. it's about something more important than money.

good luck and i'm sorry it's so hard.

I don't know what field you are in... but I think you might be worrying too much about getting your classwork done. Most employers (at least in my field) don't care nearly as much about grades in grad school as they care that you finished your degree. It's almost always optional to put your GPA on your resume. Would you end up with a better school/ life balance if you worried less about getting all of your classwork done? Would you still pass your classes? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I'd shift focus a bit if I were you.

Hi Not-Gus,

I don't have children, but can feel your pain on the stress school can cause. I would like to suggest getting your master's degree online. I am currently pursuing an MBA with an emphasis in Accounting. I have loved every minute of it so far (I am currently on my third class). The classes are only 8 weeks long, so just when I start to get frustrated with all the homework I think oh wait, I only have 3 weeks left, etc. to keep me going. It's hard to balance life and school. You do have to evaluate the reason you have decided to pursue this degree. I felt like I have moved up too quickly in my field, I didn't want to stay at the bottom of the totem pole and some how I managed to jump up into a management position at my last job. The company ended up closing, but I realized that I was not ready to be an accounting manager/controller and have taken a step back to get this degree. I need better skills in order to do well in this field. I am currently working as a cost accountant and amazingly, making more money than when I was a manager. One thing I have learned, I do NOT want to work long hours. I might not ever want another management role, but I do want skills in order to go a good job. That's why I want this MBA. So what do you want Gus? Think about all your options and what truly means the most to you. It also helps when you have a supportive spouse, and it sounds like your wife is behind you 100%. Good luck to you.

Honestly, i'd stay in school if that's what you really want--and it seems like it is. So what if the house looks kinda shitty for a few years--let it! It's appearance doesn't really matter that much, does it?