Dear Mobby :: Crowd Sourced Advice

Hi Mr. Roseville,

I've had a lot of friends with anorexia and/or bulimia, and it's not a fun disease to be around. It can be a form of brain disturbance called "body dysmorpia," where the sufferer's body maps are so out of whack that she actually does see herself differenly than others do. It's not just her being stubborn, or a simple case of low self esteem. For many anorexia sufferers, the dieting and the brain map problems sort of create and intensify each other.

If she's just trying to get over this by doing the bootstraps method (as in "pull yourself up by the"), then the outlook is not so very great. She needs real help, because this is a real problem.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help retrain her so that she can become aware of the dysmorphia, and use other ways to measure her body size and her health (like with tape measures, blood tests, physical exams, etc), because looking in the mirror is not a reliable gauge for her.

Sadly, your input cannot overpower the skewed vision she has of her body size. It's something she needs to do with a third party - hopefully one who is trained in cognitive science. Then you can support her in approaching her body issues differently.

But if you're her lover, best friend, and counselor, it's going to take too much out of you, as your message clearly states. And it's very awake and intelligent of you to be asking these questions.

Your love for her is everythig it needs to be in the relationship. But it can't fix the parts of her brain that have gone wonky.

I know that if she broke her leg, you wouldn't think that your love could fix it. But we all get training in this culture about our love having magical properties of healing for anything psychological. Not true!

There's a book on the cognitive approach to anorexia. I'm gonna go research it and I'll post again after I do.

Hope this helps.

(I'm posting this anonymously because it contains personal information.)

I've never been with a recovering anorexic, but I've been with someone who had brain-chemistry-related health problems. We went through hell together, but she's better, and we got married. It's been almost 10 years now, and we're still going strong.

You're not the first person to be in this situation, and you won't be the last. Plenty of couples have had some sort of adversity at different points in their relationship. It doesn't always happen at the start of a relationship, like you, of course. But still, it's not unknown.

This sounds uncharacteristically Nietzschen of me, but the bottom line is that it's either going to kill your relationship or make it stronger. You're either going to end up apart, or you're going to end up in the strongest, best relationship together that you could possibly have wished for.

The catch is that nobody can predict which one it's going to be.

Some weeks are better than others, but sometimes it seems like something she will never fully recover from.

I know the feeling!

I'm not that personally familiar with anorexia specifically, but if it's the sort of disorder I'm thinking of, it's possible that she may never fully recover. Alcoholics never fully recover in the sense of turning into sensible, moderate drinkers. They generally have to avoid the stuff fully for the rest of their lives.

She'll always be a recovering anorexic, but if she makes it, it won't always be a problem.

sometimes I feel like I could find a beautiful girl that didnt have such an issue with how she looks (my girlfriend looks great by the way, she is the only one who doesnt think so) and life would be so much easier...

Yeah, once again, I know the feeling.

I know this is no consolation, but life isn't easy, and no relationship is perfect.

I truely love my girl friend, but is love enough to base a future on?

No.

That's got nothing to do with the specifics of your relationship, BTW. It's just generally true. The high of being in love comes and goes. Sometimes, your partner irritates the hell out of you (and it's no doubt mutual). That's true no matter what.

I want what is best for her, but does that mean i need to forget what is best for me?

Now we're getting to the crux of the matter.

You don't know what's best for you, and you'll probably never know. You only get one shot at life, and there's no way you can go back and test alternate hypotheses.

But sometimes it is so hard to be there for her with her problems that I feel like giving up.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but are you sure that you know what she wants from you?

There's a common dysfunction in relationships between men and women, that when a woman has a problem, the man sees it as a problem to be fixed, when all the woman really wants is for the man to be there.

You feel out of control. Well, this is out of your control. You want to protect her, but you can't. That's the way things are. Remeber that you're not her therapist, and she doesn't want you to be.

You're absolutely right that what you need to think hard about is your own needs. But I think you've framed the question in terms of sticking with her versus dumping her.

Maybe what you need is a bit of sympathy yourself? FWIW, you're absolutely doing the right thing by seeking out other people who are or who have been in your situation. Perhaps you're just looking for a support group.

I will give you one piece of advice, though: Absolutely do not consider marriage until later, like you said. College or no college, she's not making the decision from a position of strength, and that would be bad for both of you.

I truly wish you the best of luck, whatever happens.

Hi - I posted this yesterday, but I think there was a mixup.

I researched the available stuff for body dysmorphia, and this looks like a good place to start:
http://www.amazon.com/BDD-Workbook-Overcome-Dysmorphic-Obsessions/dp/1572242930/

The eating disorders therapy community is a sort of a jungle, but the book above seems responsible and wide ranging.

And I second the advice of Anonymous Coward (I'll call you Noel). Getting married at 18 is a terrible idea, especially if she hasn't yet gotten a hold on her issues.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. It's okay not to want to be encased in someone else's difficulties.

Don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush don't rush...

First girlfriend & first year together... please wait. You will be glad that you did.

I do not doubt your love for her or her love for you: you sound generous hearted and open. But it takes time to truly know someone.

Re. the anorexia, it is important that she has professional help (if she does not already) since it is a very challenging thing to recover from. And probably good if you can talk to someone who really knows the challenges around it. (As good news, a friend of mine who struggled with anorexia for many years has just had a baby after many years of infertility.)

All the best to you.

I've done that. I was the sick girl and he was my old friend. For me it was a physical issue, but it had a big enough impact on my life to make it a psychological problem.

It's been five years now since we started dating. My body is fine and my life is almost back in order. We've made peace and might take it up again soon or we might stop trying.

Like mentioned above, she probably doesn't want you to solve her problems. In fact, trying to do so might mean pointing out problems she hasn't even considered, causing stress she doesn't need.

Distance yourself from her fear and anxiety, but don't distance yourself from her. Take her emotions seriously, even if you think she's acting strange - she probably does too - but don't get caught up in them. Try to not let her issues influnece how you see the rest of her.

Support her the best way you can like boyfriends do, but don't take care of her. This may sound strange, but it's probably what's most important. Make sure she gets help from her family, friends and professionals too - preferably without your arranging it. Not only is it not fair to you to be her everything as others have pointed out. It also puts her in a fundamentally weak position in your relationship. In my experience this is what's most difficult to overcome.

Best of luck.

Eating and image disorders are said to be some of the hardest issues to deal with as far as mental health goes. I've stumbled with a former girl friend and a couple friends with such issues.

The best thing is if they have access to a councelor, someone trained and impartial that they can talk to. Keep in mind while she may trust a friend or a lover more, there is something helpful about talking to someone who isn't intertwined in your life, someone you don't feel you have to protect. If she's in high school or college, she should have access to free counceling. Also these people will be better trained to understand the problem and recommend further treatment.

If she has problems with one councelor, don't let it be discouraging. It's very specific and if the coucelor's personallity doesn't work with her, she should find one with a compatible personallity/method. I've had to deal with this with a couple friends (as well as with myself for other issues) once they find someone that they connect with properly they will be able to start the process. The best thing you can do is to gently and passivly be there for them. No nagging, no judgment. "I want you to do this" is acceptable "You should do this" or "Why can't you do this?" is going to lead to problems.

Every body is a vessle. There is only so much that they can hold at a time (emotionally, mentally, physically, spirtually, whatever) recognizing when they are full and will not be able to take anymore for the night is crucial to keeping communication open. When you reconginze they're at that point, you either have to let them get it out (no pushing or forcing, if they want to vent, they'll vent as long as you're open to hear it) or call it a night-so long as you feel they aren't an immediate threat to themselves.

If you take this burden on by yourself, you will wear yourself down trying to get through to her and she will wear herself down trying to protect you, and never fully deal with the issue. In a relationship you always want to be there for the other, however there are times when you have to do things for yourself, and there are times when you have to let the other take care of their own issues.

As far as talking about marriage at 18, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I was in a similar situation at your age but after being together for 2 years we broke up, and I know now it was for the best. But I know people who have gotten married young and it's worked, but it's hard.

I'm an advocate of writing. Keep a journal of your relationship, the ups and downs, good and bad. Doesn't have to be long 5 page professions of your love. Just a couple lines "11/26/07 - went to dinner at x, joked about y" and maybe a little something about how you feel. Just do it every night. It does a couple things, it helps you sort out everything, being able to weigh out the good and the bad. It's helpful to be able to go back 6 months later and see the mistakes you've made, and see patterns that the two of you fall into that you can avoid. The other thing is if you do get married, showing her years later would be pretty damn romantic.

I was in a relationship with a person suffering a similar type of obsessive disorder. It quickly became co-dependent and very damaging to both of us. The best thing for me was alanon - it's not just for the families of addicts. It's a great support for anyone trying to maintain a healthy relationship with a person who is not healthy.
Just my 2¢...