Dear Mobby :: Crowd Sourced Advice

There is such a thing as biting off more than you can chew. I find that I can handle lots of serious problems in an intellectual capacity, but I'm more limited in an emotional sense. Speaking for myself, I would deal with your husbands father before tackling the work/financial situation. You can always quit the job later on, but it sounds like you guys need the money right now, and sacrificing the 401K is about the worst thing you can do. Financial stress in a relationship by itself is no picnic; combined with the loss of a loved one it can be catastrophic.

It sounds like your husband will need a lot of support from you in the coming weeks. I would try and focus on that, and worry about the rest later.

Dear Three Issues,

Fortunately for you there are lots of us who make up Mobby, so there is not only one Mobby. In your title is the clue I seek for you: your worst enemy is a tendency to jump to conclusions. Now wait, I don't mean that in a jumping-all-over-you way; I just mean this: my piece of the Mobby Mentality is that I can suggest you try exercises in "calming the monkey mind". You can learn about this in Buddhist readings, easily Googled. You have so much going on, it's like trying to clean a house full of clutter. The first thing to do is find a place to start, and a calm mind will help you take these issues piece by piece (by peace?).

As for your not being able to relate to your husband's relationship to his parents, think of the way you love who or what you love most and imagine you'd known it/them all your life and never had a moment where it wasn't part of your present. As for school, go read what people have said to Bumblebee in the last post. There are some real gems in there.

Calm the monkey mind. Step one.

Jeano

Dear 3,
Wow... what a lot to deal with.
I think that both Max and Jeano are wise. I too think perhaps it is good to take one thing at a time.

How did your father-in-laws surgery go?

To first deal with your father-in-law's and just love your husband through it. I can't speak for your husband (of course) but I know that when I am really emotionally sad or drained, I don't need a lot of words, but its the gestures that matter. The ones that let me know I'm loved.

Have you already refused the job at work? (I wasn't sure). If it is still possible, it might make sense to give yourself one year at the offered job... Just a little time. Not for mental stimulation, but to just eliminate the financial stress for at least a short while. Maybe then it will be easier to either begin a program or find other more interesting work?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and that you are faced with so many things at the same time. Peace to your heart.

You say there are 3 problems and end by asking Mobby to help you cope with stress and simplify. It is there ( in your closing paragraph) you have solved your own problem(s).

Life is simple. Life is one breathe at a time, one moment at a time. Is that simple enough for you ?

You must begin there, in the moment. In that moment , which by the way is a really , really tiny amount of time, all that is real simply IS.

With this not-so-profound insight being presented to you, It is obvious that you need to prioritize. I would suggest taking a look at Maslow's Hierachy of needs and begin at the bottom , working your way slowly up checking off things that are lacking*.

As your stress increases and you are filled with confusion and anguish, come back to the moment, live in the moment where you will find peace.

*Let me also offer you this thought: Creative endeavors and a 'straight' job are not mutually exclusive, nor are they restricted to the work place.

I seem to have opened the floodgates on grad school questions, and while I have asked if I should stay in grad school, I am consistently advising others against it (somewhat). That said, here's my advice:

Unless you are getting a full scholarship and a graduate assistantship with a stipend, don't go to grad school. In your position you shouldn't go unless they are paying you.

Don't cash in the 401K, financially speaking it is a terrible idea. The magic of compounding and the realities of life say that you will never make it up with larger contributions later. Unless it is truly the ONLY option, you should not cash in the 401K.

I would also advise you to reconcile things with your own family. I didn't speak to mine for years, and I regret it. I patched things up a bit, but until I had my own child I didn't realize how unfair I had been to my parents or how important family is. (Of course, I'm still glad they live fairly far away so I don't have to see them all the time).

Hi, Three.

Perhaps you should tackle these problems the way that debt counselors suggest tackling a bunch of different debts: address the one you can get rid of first, get it off your back, and then address the next one that you can get rid of fastest. Not that any of these issues will "go away," but trying to focus on all three at once will get really overwhelming.

If I were you, I'd address the job issue first, because it's the one you have the most control over. There is something to be said for accepting the lesser job that's been offered to you. It will keep a paycheck coming, and it might keep open some of those social and professional connections that you're afraid of losing. Perhaps those connections will help you through the other problems, too. And maybe, if you stick with the lesser job, it will afford you the opportunity to leave later on under better circumstances and with a better package... Don't ditch the grad school idea, though - keep it as part of your plan, but be flexible with it.

You have no control over the situation with your father-in-law's health, so don't approach the problem as though you do. I'd suggest that you take advantage of any services offered by the hospital he's at with regard to the emotional well-being of family members and caretakers. A lot of medical centers are realizing that the emotional component of healing is very important, and that it also extends to the family of the ill person. Ask the nurses if there are any services like this at the hospital.

As to the situation with your own family, you have three options:
1. Let it be, and do nothing (as you said, you have no real desire to contact them right now).
2. Try to deal with it while everything is still going on with your father-in-law. This is probably a very stressful option, but you may start feeling as though you need to reconnect with your family as a result of the situation with your father-in-law.
3. Wait until the situation with your father-in-law is resolved (whatever that resolution is) and then contact your family. Your perspective may change, and your heart may soften as a result of your experiences.

I'd also like to suggest talking to a professional therapist. This may or may not be an option for you, depending on health insurance and your feelings about talking to a counselor. I've started talking to a therapist lately (I put it off for two years), and it's made a world of difference in my outlook. Sometimes you need an outside perspective. Which, I suppose, is what Mobby is doing for you right now... though having a live conversation is a bit different.

Good luck with all of this. I hope all our advice is helping.

~ Catherine

Christ... So, the anesthesiologist expressed concern about the surgery because of my father in law's thickened carotid arteries...Saying something like, with his arteries in their present condition, the stroke risk was at 90%. So the doctor thankfully cancelled the surgery. But naturally, not before they had this frail old man in the hospital looped out on some mind altering pain med patch and had him fasting all day long. Everyone in my husband's family is pissed because we really feel like the stroke risk should have been considered by the doctors long before it was considered by an anesthesiologist. So, while disaster appears to have been averted for now, the underlying issue remains unresolved. He is now being transported to Dartmouth for more testing.

I can't resolve the issues with my family...they see no resolution other than to blame me for their behavior and expect me to continually apologize for them. I don't want to get into it here, but after 14 years of dealing with them and trying to come to terms with them as an adult, I had to make a decision. It truely is better for everyone to just go seperate ways.

The foundation repair, which was originally scheduled for the monday after Thanksgiving, is now scheduled for this saturday.

The uncreative job they are offering will only exist for a short time... and no one at the company in the position to answer any questions seems to be able or willing (not sure) to say for how long. They are already holding us accountable to screwy metrics that don't add up, such as telling a team of 8 that there will only be 100 jobs a month coming in, and that each have a time per unit of 30 minutes... Any simpleton with a full set of fingers can tell you that 12 a week each does not add up to 100% productivity in a 40 hour week...Not even close. And in a climate where less than adequate productivity is grounds for termination, we are being set up to fail and not be eligible for any kind of severence based on performance. And given the choice between resigning and being fired, I'd rather just call the game and resign. It's not even just my department that is being affected. It's a company wide bloodbath. In short, I cannot trust this company to not perform legal gymnastics to pinch another penny and sully my historically good contribution to the workflow citing poor performance in the process.

Like I said, the company I have worked for is suddenly behaving in a dirty and underhanded manner, to the point of being unethical. A sentiment that would not have even crossed my mind a year ago, because up until this year, working for this company has been an incredible and somewhat unique opportunity. But I have to be the realist here and recognize, it's not a good fit anymore. Everyone is feeling like this now too... it's really a shame.

It is amazing to me the changes that can occur within a year. One day you're skipping along and everything's fine, and over the course of a year, it's all gone to hell.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through... My life is pretty stressful, but I'm not dealing with anywhere near the same level as you are.

I know that one of the ways I deal with stress is just to make sure I have time for myself every day, just a little, maybe a half hour. I really believe that in order to be able to give effectively, you need to do this. If you want to meditate, fine. I usually cook or make jewelry or work on my pictures to post to Flickr.

I don't agree with those who say you need to get back in touch with your family, especially right now. If this is who I think it is, we've talked about our families - and they are at least as much a source of stress and unhealthy emotional distraction as any other part of our lives. Sometimes we are better off without these crazymakers. You are the best judge of this. An empty well is an empty well and once you've gone back once or twice or ten times to check, and it's still dry - it's time to move on to a well that has something to offer.

I do agree with those who say not to be too hasty about leaving your job. I can understand very much the allure of just leaving it behind, the excitement you would feel about engaging with your creative self more fully, the feelings of humiliation you might fear about accepting this type of treatment from your company. My mom just did something similar and I was pretty upset for her... but in her case I think it was best, since she's so close to retirement. She doesn't have the option of learning something new, starting up again.

But it's important to take these things one at a time, and it seems true that your husband will need your support. Put off making important personal life changes right now; get through this thing with your father-in-law, and then tackle the next. If you can support your husband through this time, he'll be better able to support you when you take on returning to school, a heady, worthwhile, exciting and I'm sure challenging process. Try not to lose the momentum you have about going, though - set a realistic date that you will shoot for to make your application and get the hell out of Dodge, and stick to it. College will be there when you're ready :)
Love to you.

Geez... as soon as I wrote my last comment, I got a phone call from my husband... apparently the hospital is DISCHARGING his dad and have changed his status to convelescent care so he has to pay for the ambulance ride home now too.

Three days ago they were prepping him for surgery and medicating him for a back fracture... and now they are letting him go home?

And we are now worried that once he goes home we won't be able to get him down to Dartmouth for the tests he needs.

It is so very frustrating to be on the other side of the country from the situation

Perception over stimulus. The stress of all these demands accumulates and exhausts. If you can see a therapist once a week at your grad school, I'd take that option now. I think they'd give you some immediate coping mechanisms to try on with a fall sweater. You're likely to have a lower immune system now too, so take your husband out for a jog in the mornings and eat healthy.

Perception over stimulus. You cannot change the circumstance, but you can change your perspective. I believe all things happen for a reason, and they happen all at the same time if that's what it takes to call attention to that which remains unresolved. The conflict with your family should provide some sort of contrast to the immediate suffering of your husband. I'd watch patterns in my behaviors and listen to them. Adjust them.

Take the job at your work for right now. Quit later. You'll probably get the severance that way. You can also take a leave of absence given your stress, take that pay as well, and pay attention to yourself and husband. With your free time, create create. If you don't have time. Stay up. You need to paint, draw, sing. Something. Meditate at a museum. Watch people.

Don't take on another school project now. I believe this self-overwhelming is a defense mechanism to keep away from family. Remember a learned response is not applicable to all situations, even if they are similar. Even if they are exactly the same but at different times. It seems you are keeping yourself away from the conflict. Its time to unlearn.

Hey 3,

Just read your updates.

All I can offer is my "cyber-support" since I'm not sure what I would do in your circumstances either... both in terms of your unethical employers and your poor father-in-law. (I agree with you re. the parent thing btw... sometimes better just to move on in your own life.) Re. your future job plans/schooling plans... are there any other options that you can pursue or that you have thought about?

Wishing you lots of strength and wisdom.
Keep us updated if you need to vent...

And as much as its worth, some people in the world are really thinking about you and hoping things will at least become manageable.

-ingrid

Yo Three:

Clearly by posting your updates you are indicating a need to vent . Mobby has offered you much to contemplate and now it is yours to do with as you see fit.

I want to re-suggest you seek professional counseling.

I myself often turn to Mark Twain whenever I need advice.

Happiness ain't a thing in itself--it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.
- Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven

Like 'Hot' is only relative to something 'Cold.' If life is all good and easy, we will mange to find a way to be irritated beyond measure by petty and inconsequential things. Your life will smooth out again (it will) and the contrast it has with this current turbulence will have you feeling ecstatic!

This last one is for the Mobby:

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity--another man's I mean.
- Following the Equator

Dear neighbor with three concerns;

I hope you're doing well. The things you're concerned about are a normal part of living and no matter what happens you will be alright when things change and settle. Decide what you feel is best for you, and move forward. The most important thing to do is to spend some time alone in a personal space that you create for yourself. Remember that all of your hard work is so that you can ultimately just be you. The strength you need comes from inside your own heart, and you've got lots of it. Be alone, reach inside, and summon your calm and strength. During this or any time good or bad, it's important to eat well, get enough sleep, and take care of yourself so that you have the energy to make your clearest decisions and be there for your family. Everything else is outside of your control and will be fine. You're going to be okay :)

Dear Three,
Much good advice and good will which I hope can provide sustenance. Specific advice, building on the community suggestions: in the airplane they say "put your own oxygen mask on first and then help those in need." Specifically this means at least 4 glasses of water a day plus a protein-based breakfast and evening meal. Remember that your soul exists inside your body.
Next, triage. You have life-and-death issues going on w/ yr father-in-law and husband. The other stuff will get dealt with in the future. The wheel keeps turning. The way things are now is not how they will be in the future. For now, water, protein, and love your husband. It is a gift to have a person to love, which is hard to remember when health and money (the two biggies) are beating you up.
My heart goes out to you.
Meret

Lance Reamer, November 14th, 9:23am's posting hits the nail on the head. Even though he has a scary name, I must echo his statement, so please scroll up and read his compassionate response again. Mobby has devoted much energy to helping you out of the spin cycle, but it is ultimately you who must open the lid and halt the mechanism.

You can do fine with all of this; please try our suggestions for finding inner peace in this process.

Sure as we are Mobby, we are sincere.

Jeano

Well, I haven't been on in a couple of days, because I've been thoroughly occupied by a whole bunch of stuff.

It's nice to hear from third parties that this is a maddening amount of stress and bullshit to be dealing with all at once... I really was starting to wonder if it was just me. I have read everyone's thoughts, and am taking some good advice from it.

Thanks to everyone...

First of all, most of your energy should definitely go into the issue with your father-in-law--that is most certainly what requires the most attention at this time. As for your work/social issue, i don't see why just because you'll be leaving the office you can't still hang out with the friends that you have there. It's not like moving to another city/state at all; you'll still be in the same place as most of them, no? You won't get to see them as much, of course, but you'll still be able to go out for drinks and stuff with them.

As for the financial issue, i'd take the money and run with it. You're exactly right when you say that you're gonna start a new 401k before you're 35, and you need the money now.

Here's hopin' shit works out for ya...