Last spring, a good friend & I had the brilliant idea to fool around. It was never supposed to be more than that. His girlfriend of 3 years had just dumped him, I had just gone through one hell of a sorry excuse for a relationship, we just kind of said what the hell. Over the course of the next 8 months, I nursed him through his heartbreak, we spent most of our free time together and, to the rest of the world, appeared to have become an actual couple. However, there was one caveat: he wanted to maintain his freedom (and I am commitment-phobic). So, for the entirety of our relationship, we were both free to see other people. It got a bit hairy now & then but, it seemed to be working for us. Until he started seeing this girl who, well, to be excruciatingly polite about it, has WAY more baggage than any 21 year old should (he's 33, I'm 30, for the record). So, just before Thanksgiving, I broke things off. I had grown weary of the drama that our little fling had wrought and I didn't want to be involved with this new girl. He & I had become best friends and, since we share an astonishing number of similar interests, we agreed that our friendship was worth trying to maintain.
Best laid plains....
At first, it was difficult, because I'd gotten used to being the focus of his attention for the better part of a year. But, I kept my distance and given up activities I enjoy to save myself more drama. Unfortunately, things have transpired that have led to a lot of angry words between he & I so, I decided to cut him out of my life. I stopped all communication with him. Here's the problem: Our social lives are completely intertwined...to a ridiculous degree. We both frequented the same places long before we even met. All of my good friends had become his friends. Those friends now fully support me. But, I can't go anywhere without running into him and his new girlfriend. I do my best to ignore both of them and enjoy myself to no avail.
In the past week, I've run into them twice, both times culminating in her causing a scene completely unprovoked. Last night, the situation escalated further when she hurled a drink at me and then tried to physically attack me, twice. I've told him repeatedly to leave me alone, to not talk to me, especially when she's around, because I've been trying to avoid just such a situation. He did nothing to stop it. In fact, he loves it.
In case you're wondering what her beef is with me, she seems to think that I'm pursuing him. She doesn't seem to realize that it's all coming from him.
I don't know how to deal with this. I'm not one to let someone dictate where I go & with whom I interact. I've never been the target for such behavior before, without provocation. I can, almost certainly, get them barred from the main place we all go...the owner and patrons all adore me. I know if crazy girlfriend so much as uttered an unkind word to me in that joint, both of them would be bounced out & not allowed back. I know I should feel differently but, I don't want it to come to that.
At this point, I have nothing left to say to him. By allowing this behavior, he's proven to me that our friendship is meaningless to him and that he doesn't respect me one bit. However, as I said, our social lives are completely intertwined. I've been making the sacrifices and not going where I know they'll be but, I'm tired of it. Especially when I'm not the problem. Help.
Thanks,
Frustrated Frittata
Comments (4)
Frustrattata,
Yours is one side of the story and doesn't include much of your own behavior except in random clues left around. For instance, is he always with her in tow or do you see him out without her, and if so, do you talk to him? If you do, that is the problem since no doubt he enjoys telling her what witty thing you two chatted about, or what you were wearing or the things you told him about your work...And, too, you say you avoid them, but in order to be within striking distance of a thrown glass, unless it is hurled across the room, you'd have to have been reasonably cheek-by-jowl with the duo. Understandable that you don't want to be driven from your regular haunts, but dealing with un-reasonably jealous people requires more than just being a rational, mature person. They won't take that into consideration once you've been classified as a "danger" to them. In that case, unless you want to confront them (you don't seem from your language to be the confrontation-friendly type) the only thing to do is to avoid them completely. From this it follows that you either have to NOT go to the places they will be, or talk him into giving YOU some space and reducing his haunting of these places. Other alternatives would be that you get yourself a date/body guard before attending such soirees, or that you hit on her to make him jealous. If you choose the latter, let me know a day and time and I'll be there to cover your ass...
Posted by Cam | January 18, 2008 1:26 PM
Posted on January 18, 2008 13:26
that totally sucks. keep ignoring them. go where you want. or move town/ find new hang outs/ new friends/
Posted by lettice | January 19, 2008 5:35 AM
Posted on January 19, 2008 05:35
I think the biggest problem here is the fact that you cut him out of your life. How can you expect to solve this problem without talking to him in a serious manner. I would guess he's probably hurt and that is triggering his destructive attitude in this situation.
I do think that it's sort of too late now, and you're better off finding a new life-mate than living in the past thinking about one that isn't.
Posted by Vincent | January 22, 2008 7:36 AM
Posted on January 22, 2008 07:36
I think the biggest problem here is the fact that you cut him out of your life. How can you expect to solve this problem without talking to him in a serious manner. I would guess he's probably hurt and that is triggering his destructive attitude in this situation.
I do think that it's sort of too late now, and you're better off finding a new life-mate than living in the past thinking about one that isn't.
Posted by Vincent | January 22, 2008 8:19 AM
Posted on January 22, 2008 08:19