I promise to come up with a better explanation of what I do for a living than “making stuff”
I promise to write and record a song titled “Someday you and I are going to die”
I promise to quit my addiction to nicotine gum without returning to smoking.
If I fail at the above, I promise never again to use an empty box of nicotine gum as an ashtray.
I promise not to use my laser pointer as a way to get my two cats to fight by keeping the dot placed on one of their butts.
I promise to stop thinking that I am in any way cool or interesting when I tell stories about how I play with my cats. (but just so you know, peacock feathers are excellent toys for cats. It’s like some sort of evolutionary…sorry… intelligent design mechanism kicks in and they get all predator…ish…and stuff…dude)
I promise to never again say “got em all cut” when someone asks “did you get your hair cut?”
I promise not to feel embarrassed that I sometimes wear commercially available “clothing shields” in my armpits to avoid sweat stains.
I promise to remind myself that “clothing shields” are far more comfortable than using toilet paper and scotch tape.
I promise to remind myself that “clothing shields” should not be used as mini-diapers for cats no matter how funny they might look.
I promise to buy some new pants that fit or lose some weight, since doing neither isn’t working out so well for me.
I promise not to visualize the many butts that have sat on a seat before I sit down and especially not to imagine that by sitting down I am pressing against some giant amalgamation of spirit bottoms.
I promise not to look down on people that collect those new quarters with the States on the back and remind myself that it’s a better hobby than spanking frogs or peeing on toilet paper rolls in public bathrooms.
I promise not to pee on toilet paper rolls in public bathrooms.
I know what you are thinking, and NO I have never spanked a frog… you sick bastard. Frogs don’t even have butt cheeks.
I promise to make some games for two and three year-olds that don’t require the use of a mouse.
I promise to try and use the color green in my designs.
I promise not to let my impression of other people’s impression of who I am stop me from becoming what I know other people think I’m not.
I promise to come up with some sort of interactive voodoo doll so that the nice people that visit the site can slowly torture those that write mean things to me.
I promise not to pee after I eat spicy things with my hands.
If I mess up and wind up forgetting the above…I promise not to try and explain to the person peeing next to me why I am saying “ouch” while peeing.
If I really screw up and forget both of the above, I especially promise to only turn my head when I try and explain my pee-pee pain to the person peeing next to me.
I promise again not to drink for 30 consecutive days, and just to be clear, the term “days” refers to any 24 hour period regardless of whether it is a weekend, someone else’s birthday, or a holiday that I spontaneously make up...like "Brand New Socks Day".
I promise not to tell people about how mean they were to me in my dreams, and not to hold real life grudges because someone, for example: threw hammers at me while I was trying to climb into a candy car.
I promise not to keep ideas in my head, unfulfilled and full of promise - not to let these vague outlines of future actions give me false confidence and security in the abstract. Instead I will execute them quickly and faithfully so that I am again on the brink of the unknown, hoping that these ideas were not the last that would ever come to me from God knows where.