Fabuloso Friday 2/Current News Script
From zefrank
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Contents |
Breastfeeding
Ze: Scientists have concluded that you may put your newborn at risk by not breast feeding them. The hazards of not breast feeding your baby are comparable to smoking during pregnancy, and getting thrown off a mechanical bull while pregnant. Rough. (can some sports racer find a link for this story?
north korea
ze:North Korea has said it is free to carry out a long-range missile test, defying international calls not to do so, Japan's Kyodo news agency says. At least the country is not run by a crack pot dictator...oh shit well they don't have nuclear weapons ...they do ..holy crap there our friends.....no no thats the south ...oh well duck and cover sports racers.
Entertainment News Uno
Ze: Our favorite dancing guy Ze has been linked with both Jim Carey and Ryan Seacrest. The trio were spotted in Las Vegas, New Mexico at an event known to our sources as "The Carey Reunion" where they ate large amounts of cold watermelon and had one too many beers. Could there be a family link here? Just what is going on with these funny fabulosos?
Entertainment News Dos
Ze: Kate Moss 
Pictured here ...out of her head...sorry just her head...gets filmed taking coke the bbc states "The CPS said the film footage provides an absolutely clear indication that Ms Moss was using controlled drugs and providing them to others. But the precise nature of the drug could not be established and there was insufficient evidence to prosecute." Strange I used the old "precise nature/insufficient evidence" tactic myself recently when I was caught by a camera speeding. Sadly the powers that be used the old "film footage/absolutely clear" tactic back...assholes.
Home Depot Weed
Ze: In Massachusetts last week a contractor found two 50 pound bags of pot Image:Hdweed.gif in a bathroom fixture he purchased at The Home Depot. The cops said it was worth about 150 grand.
Ze: A hundred and fifty grand!?! At Lowes it's only like a hundred and ten grand.
News from Iraq
Ze: Lionel Ritchie is the true American Idol of the Iraqi People. Reportedly, grown Iraqi men outwardly scream "I love Lionel Richie," and they sing many of his melodies from heart. It is apparent that wearing a long, luxurious, hair-gel-leaking jerry curl while having your bust sculpted by a blind artist and screaming "Hello is it me you're looking for," is all the rage in Baghdad. [1]
- Cut to Ze wearing a jerry curl wig and dancing to "Up All Night."
Screech's House
Ze: That kid who played Screech on Saved By The Bell is about to lose his house due to incredible stupidity, so he's selling t-shirts: [2]
Ze: Who needs writers?
Science News
Ze: The genius sperm bank set up in the 70's by millionaire Robert Klark Graham was originally supposed to offer women high quality sperm from men with special qualities including high IQ.
Unfortunately, many samples have apparently been lost. Robert was even known for asking dinner guests for donations now and then.
Botany professor Jim Bidlack(pictured here doing something with his hands)* is quoted as saying "We were getting close to the end of the evening, we had a conversation and somewhere during that conversation he said 'would you be willing to provide us with a specimen, do you think you are up to it?',"
Ze: But running a sperm bank was hard work. "There were so many recipients wanting sperm and there was so little sperm, never enough sperm," says former staff member Julianna McKillop.
Ze: Never enough sperm what were they doing with it?
Ze: Most of the sperm bank children still remain anonymous, so no one can test to see whether Graham's experiment to breed intelligent kids using clever sperm really did work.
Ze: I think we can make an inteligent guess on that one.
[*Alternate text: "Pictured here making a donation" --Not the original author]
The darkside
This week's Frontline focuses on Dick Cheney's darkside. Cheney, shown here clenching a towel between his butt cheeks, was portrayed as the mastermind behind the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, as well as the--evil ducky-- discreditor of Colin Powell and the CIA.
So if Cheney is the discreditor, Bush is the decider, Tony Snow is the explainer, what does that make Donald Rumsfeld? The asshole? And what does that make Condi?
Condi's just like the girl--that girl-- who wants to hang out with the guys-- and wear thigh-high leather boots. Makes you wonder about Cheney's other dark side (shudder).
Iraq War Screed
As the freakish Jr. High Popularity Contest we Americans call “Election Time” draws nigh, it’s time for me to sit in my air-conditioned office on my fat ass and weigh in on the Iraq war.
The Republicans want to stay and fight. Fine. Rich congressmen and their spawn don’t have to worry about it, because they are too old and their children are to wealthy to fight a war. They are too busy with school and careers and things like that to fight for “freedom.” Let the less fortunate get their arms and legs blown off in the name of Freedom. (The freedom for rich folk to fill up their Hummers! Hoo-ya!)
Of course, I generalize here.
The Democrats want to say they are against the war, but they also have to worry about their careers. While they want the war to end, they can’t say the “T” word (timetable) because they will be painted as cowards. Since they need to save their seats more than stand by a principle, they too have to say we need to stay, otherwise Iraq will fall into the wrong hands. They are too scared to just come out and say, “Let’s get the f*ck out of there now!
Damned if We Do, Damned if We Don’t.
Again, I generalize here, because I’m typing this off the top of my head, with no real research or facts to back up what I type. Stop reading now! It gets worse!
Here’s the problem with “winning” in Iraq: The only success we can have in Iraq is digging ourselves out of a hole we dug ourselves into.
So we can only hope to break even, which is looking less and less likely.
Of course the contractors in Iraq are winning CA$H, but rich people and their cronies tend to do that. Good for them. War profiteering isn’t that much of a crime, is it?
Saddam would have had to work overtime torturing and killing people to keep up with the lawlessness we’ve spawned over there. We’ve brought torture and beheadings and bombings to a fever pitch. We’ve created a lawless hellhole that is FREEDOM! Taste the Freedom and Democracy.
I feel bad for the soldiers. They joined the Department of DEFENSE. Defense means defense. Not offence. So. I feel bad because they aren’t being allowed to do their jobs.
The Military has only two functions:
1. Kill people. 2. Blow shit up.
That’s it. We have the best military in the world, but you can’t expect them to play referee in a Civil War we set off.
At least the VFW can continue to make money selling beer to bitter guys in wheelchairs for decades to come! That will help our economy a little, won’t it?
I mean if we really “liberated” Iraq, set them free: Get the hell out of there and let them kill each other. Who cares? They are FREEEeeeeee! Weee! Isn’t Freedom great? Turn em loose and watch em go!
When we invade a country, let’s come right out and say it: “We’re invading Iraq for its oil and strategic military bases in the region.” Go in guns blazing, hole up in walled fortresses, and let the natives fend for themselves. Kill anything that moves. That’s how you invade a country.
Don’t have the stomach for it? Then don’t invade. Go big or go home . . . Pussies.
There, that is my misinformed, reactionary, belligerent screed about Iraq. Enjoy.
submitted by dan www.danmanning.com