the show: 01-04-07

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Das democrats took control of the Congress today and the remixes like that one are starting to come in; coincidence? I don’t know.


But we’ll deal with matters of politique tomorrow; you know what day that is. Today we tackle something infinitely more important, a matter of national security perhaps.

Some of you have noticed that from time to time I take two dollars and five cents out of the jar in which I save small change for the poor and with that money I buy myself a cup of Starbucks coffee.

Now invariably, when a cup of this low-grade cocaine substitute makes its way onto the show, I get emails. Emails that tell me I should avoid Starbucks at any cost and instead get my coffee at a locally owned coffee shop.

By the way, I tried that. And you know what I found out? The local coffee shops in my neighborhood don’t take Starbucks gift cards. I know what you’re thinking…‘pigs, right?’

And besides, I like a cup of coffee that makes me want to number-two almost immediately…you know: turtle.

Do you know what turtle means? If not, maybe you’re not part of my target demographic.

Anyway, the other day, I was going to do some research on why people think Starbucks is so bad…but I needed some coffee, so I went to Starbucks and I noticed they moved the ‘free bar’.

The ‘free bar’ is the place where people who can’t the coffee can at least make themselves a cup of sugared milk. They even leave honey out of the hippies.

So I was standing there feeling sorry for the people at the ‘free bar’ and trying to figure out who was less important, the guy standing at the espresso machine or the guy who gets the pastries…and I noticed something.

I noticed this door in the back, and the door had a sign on it: “This Door not an exit.”

First off, I’m not sure that you can make that statement. I think it’s up the person that uses that door. You can say ‘please don’t use this door as an exit’ or ‘don’t think of this door as an exit’…but that’s not even the point.

The point is that below that sign was another sign. It said: ‘warning, do not open door after dusk.’

Put it together people! If it’s not an exit, what is it? An entrance? And don’t open it after dusk? You know what that means? They got werewolves back there!

That’s why they put the ‘free bar’ back there: to fatten up all the hippies on honey milk. And then they pick them off at night.

No wonder the hippies tell me not to go there. Anyways, no need to send me any more emails: I get it!

Speaking of email…the other day a marketing company asked whether they could pay me to do some product placement. I know what you’re thinking….and no I didn’t get paid to uncover that whole werewolf thing.

Paid product placement......capitalism.

If I’m going to place a product, I’m going to do it for me. In fact, I do it all the time. I place products in places you can’t even imagine.

This morning I placed a couple of products. I won’t even tell you where, you won’t believe it.

(with Coca-Cola can taped to face)

Besides, there are rules to product placement. It’s not like origami or art where you can do whatever the hell you want.

If you screw up, you can look like a real ass.

(with a wrapped tampon taped to face)

As someone once told me: dry humping a bag of donuts does not a good product placement make.

You with me? What do you want case-studies?


According to the Standard-Examiner, a fourteen year-old Utah boy was the victim of bad product placement. When Colton Mahoney put his brand new Madden NFL ’07 into his Xbox, he was surprised when pornography popped up instead of the game. Colton’s father Tim Mahoney was quoted as saying, “…it wasn’t a pretty scene.”

Meanwhile in Kentucky, a man who had recently purchased a DVD entitled “Saturday Night Beaver” was equally shocked when he found footage of John Madden interspersed throughout the film. He was quoted as saying “…it wasn’t a pretty scene.”

Case Study Number Two.

After a deal with Moist-Wipes fell through, the movie “House of Wax” became the victim of bad product placement. Paris Hilton was placed into the movie instead with sub-par results.

CNN reports that Hilton, the notoriously difficult product to place, has recently been fired as the namesake of a nightclub. After Hilton failed to show up for several scheduled appearances, the owner of Club Paris said that the club was no longer named after Paris Hilton but rather the city.

After hearing about the incident, the city of Paris changed its name to Schenectady.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don’t have to.

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