the show: 01-18-07
[Fun Winter Song Remix]
Sports Racer: Oh hey! I feel pretty, and you're watching the show with Ze Frank.
[Zooming in on picture of fire hydrant with sign over it indicating it's a fire hydrant by showing a picture of a fire hydrant] No one knew what it was until the sign maker arrived.
First off, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's show which in hindsight was sophomoric, even freshman... ish. Implying that this technological revolution is somehow about genitals or whatever is not what this show's about, and I appreciate those of you who pointed that out.
I don't talk about what I usually do in my spare time, but I feel like I should point out some ways that technology has changed my life. For example, because of technology I woke up with a very sore right arm after an evening of playing with myself. There's been a lot of news about how dangerous it is and how you can injure yourself, but ultimately I think it's something that you have to find out on your own. I should point out that when I bought the Wii I wasn't exactly a virgin; I played with myself before.
The problem was that in the past that experience hasn't been very satisfying. It involved handling this weird-looking object with buttons hidden in strange places. To play all you do is move your fingers a little bit, maybe your thumb. The whole experience was, pardon the expression but, girlie.
My Wii is different; you don't need a manual. You just grab it and instinctively know what to do with it. Instead of just responding to the motion of my fingers, there's something inside my Wii that actually responds to the motion of my hand. When I move my hand back and forth or even twist it, my Wii responds and a signal comes out. That signal shoots all the way across the room and hits this sensor. When you play the Wii, you actually move around and your on-screen character does the same thing [bowls a strike in Wii Bowling].
Some of the games that come with it are a little bit lame like tennis [Editor's note: Tennis is awesome, Ze.]. It's OK, but I hear they're working on a controller that looks just like a racket, and there'll be this ball-like thing that you can hit and it will actually respond and move in the other direction. Man, that'd be cool.
But if you really want to enjoy the Wii, you have to buy some of the more advanced games. Here's a few that I recommend. [Acting out each one] My favorite is one called Don't Wake Up the Bees. [Wii Sports-like voice] Zero bees awake! Great Job! [end voice]. Although I have to say that I'm getting pretty hooked on a game called Hospital, especially the sponge bath the in-patient mode. Mrs. Hamilton is still dirty!. Business Lunch 2: Shaking Hands is OK, but if you want a real challenge try Farm Boy, especially the training mode where you have to inseminate a cow. You missed! Try again!
I hope you'll accept my apology, and know that as of today I'm taking this stuff seriously.
This is Ze Frank playing with my Wii so you don't have to.