the show: 01-24-07

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Couple together: Good morning, Sports Racers. It's Thursday our tenth anniversary, and from Maui, this is The Show with Ze Frank. [Wife] Aloha.

[Ze begins] Ten years, congratulations; that's some achievement, but I'm tired as hell. [Panning over vast parking lot] Yesterday was a travel day, and I find myself in Denver, Colorado. I cannot begin to express to you the beauty of this place.

Serendipity? I'm not sure, but after watching the presidential state of the union address in the Minneapolis airport, I arrived in Denver at two in the morning. Arriving at two in the morning apparently has its perks. The only room they had left was the presidential suite. [cocks eyebrow] Mmm, presidential.

It's cool and all, but I have to say they screwed up some of my basic requests.

For example, they gave me this little rocking horse sculpture which is of course a stationary miniature of a larger rocking horse which is a moving variation of a larger sculpture of a horse which is a stationary representation of a moving animal. I had specifically asked for a moving variation of a stationary miniature of a moving variation of a stationary representation of a moving animal.

It's all good, though: one of the smilie bell people downstairs is going to glue some wheels on it later.

I also requested pot. [shows 3 jugs] Boy did they screw that up. I just wanted one. I can't drink enough Mountain Dew to fill up all three.

But anyways, as I said, the President gave his State of the Union Address last night. Luckily they provided a clap-track so I could figure out myself what was important. The weird thing was watching it at an airport gate with one other person. And I shit you not, he started clappin', but I didn't like the stuff he was clapping for. So I did what any reasonable person would do; I started clapping, too. Because we were being mature, I didn't hear much of the talk, but I did see something interesting.

If you notice, the President only drank water once, and Cheney drank at exactly the same time. Any time the President was talking, you couldn't see Cheney's hands. And when you could see his hands, like when he was clapping, the President just stood there motionless.

I'm just sayin'; somebody should check if there's a hole back there.

When it came time for the Democratic rebuttal, however, my seat buddy left so I heard that.

James Webb, the freshman Senator from Virginia, was chosen to give the rebuttal because he oozes macho [shows two shirtless men on the beach]

Webb has become known for his sometimes confrontational and no-nonsense criticism of the President. In a word, Webb was cocksure, and the rebuttal was the TV equivalent of him slapping his wang on the table.

For our foreign viewers, I've provided the international gesture for slapping your wang on the table.

[Ze is sitting at a table and he pulls his arm out from under the table and lays it palm up]

In a 9-minute rebuttal, Webb took the President to task on two issues: the economy and the War on Iraq. Regarding the war he said quote, "The President took us into this war recklessly," and then he invoked a whole bunch of dead people. Those dead people had gotten us out of past wars, and he urged the President to take similar actions.

He closed by whipping out his auxiliary wang and saying quote, "If he does, we will join him. If he does not we will be showing him the way."

[Smiling] That would be cool: if you showed him the way.

Actually, why don't you just show him the way? I mean, if you know the way don't just sit on it; spread the love.

Listen, your mom and I gave you sea monkey, and you put them in boiling water to [air quotes] toughen them up[end air quotes]. And then we gave you a kitten, and you put it in the dryer because you wanted it to be more fluffy. So, here's a puppy, but I'm warning you: if you screw this up we're going to show you how to take care of pets.

If you're saying he screwed up, and you know the way, don't just slap your wang on the table! Let's see you use it.

[international slapping your wang on the table sign]

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