the show: 02-13-07
[Sports Racer intro from Helsinki. Subtitle: "Good Morning Sports Racers!"] Good morning Sports Racers. You're watching the show with ze frank from, ah, Helsinki in Finland.
[ze] Those are some smart ducks. [makes sarcastic face] Way to choose your habitat.
[cut to forum post] J.W. writes, "Can you please talk about March 17th 2007??"
What? You mean the end of our League Of Awesomeness Intership?
There's nothing wrong, is there? I thought we were on track.
[ze's really jazzed] How awesome is it gonna to be to be a full member of the LOA? I don't even know where I'm gonna put my iron-on.
Listen to this: the other day, I read somewhere that someone thought I was the head of the LOA. [chuckles]
[ze's incredulous] Me! [laughs]
I'm just finishing the internship and I haven't even started to write a book about nothing.
And I only know, like, four magic tricks.
Imagine what it was like before they set the one-year limit on internships.
That whole pyramids thing? Way to bite off more than you can chew.
The concept was cool: "Make the Earth spiky", but look how many they actually finished... a couple in Egypt, and a couple in Latin America.
Sure, in a year you can't do a lot of the really awesome stuff they used to do--like when Gregor Mendel invented the duck.
Everyone goes on and on about those peas but imagine taking a platypus, a chicken, and a tomato and breeding an animal that had only existed in painters' imaginations.
Imagine your worst days hookin' up all kinds of different cables to a router. This was way worse 'cause the platypus wouldn't leave the tomato alone--and we know about chickens.
I know what you're thinking: "What's up with the tomato?" Well the chicken was chosen for its birdlike qualities, the platypus for its ferocious bill, and the tomato for its buoyancy.
Back then before genetic modification which, ironically, Mendel helped start, tomatoes could float.
People would bob for them and that's why they're still called a fruit.
Not to brag, but as a little side project during the internship, I bred a floating tomato.
[cut to ze sitting on the side of a bathtub half-full of water] As you can see, when placed in water a modern tomato will sink or float below the surface. My tomato, on the other hand, bobs, much like a duck would. Here we see the modern tomato submerged, suddenly embarrased by the buoyancy of my tomato.
[back to ze, looking forlornly at his tomato] All right, I faked it. It's actually a hollowed-out tomato with a balloon inside and a weight on the bottom.
[ze's got puppy dog eyes] I'm sorry, but I want you to know I'm not like those Korean scientists. I'd never fake human cloning.
How do you fake human cloning anyways? Dress up the same baby in different outfits?
I think faking human cloning deserves some kind of prize.
But anyways when the LOA came to America, a lot of the founding fathers went through internship.
They were planning this whole dressup murder-mystery on a ship, but then some dude got drunk, threw stuff overboard and they all got kicked out.
I say "good riddance", those guys had zero sense of humor, and they were always writing.
Anyway, they went off and formed their own thing, stole the pyramid, and the eagle.
But they added an eye. [derisive chuckle] Talk about dumb symbols.
And it's not even a fire eagle or a smoke eagle. It's just a plain eagle.
So they start getting all these new members and they don't even have internships. They wanted to promote their symbol so they put it on money.
And then they started saying that if you put focused energy into something without knowing how it would lead to getting money, you were participating in a hobby.
[witheringly] Oh-ho... it's your hobby.
[ze grunts in disgust]
The LOA was freakin out and they were trying to find a way to make the internships more appealing.
So they heard about this thing called a deadline which originally was actually a line drawn around a civil war camp and if you crossed it they'd shoot ya.
Nowadays a lot of companies use that word to mean a day on which most of their employees are gonna have diarrhea and the terms of a contract are gonna be renegotiated.
But the LOA kept it pretty pure. If you go beyond the deadline you could die.
Personally, I think a deadline is a good thing. Knowing it's coming lets you put in more effort than is probably reasonable.
I wouldn't want our internship to languish and eventually fade out, or become some bizarre caricature of itself like Gaudi's Cathedral, perpetually half-finished.
This has been our one year shot. Lets hope we make it.
[cut to tomatoes in the bathtub]