the show: 02-22-07

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[Intro in front of fireworks] Gung hei fat choi! Happy Year of the Golden Pig! From Macau, you're watching The Show with Ze Frank.

laura writes: "I hate airplanes, but I have to fly a lot anyway. How do I calm my nerves? Why am I scared in the first place?"

Eeeuuu. Laura, I'm with ya. Those things scare the crap out of me.

And I gotta say, if you do something that involves the possibility of collision while running at around 5 to 8 miles per hour, like football, you wear a helmet, chest pad, thigh pads, all kinds of stuff. You get on a skateboard at around 15 miles an hour, and you're down to a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads. You get into a car going 60, you lose the helmet, you get a chest strap and a lap belt. By the time you get into a tube that travels 30,000 feet above the Earth at 300 miles per hour, all you got is the lap belt. And, apparently, once you get on the space shuttle, they put you in diapers.

Talk about addressing the symptoms and not the disease.

I don't even get people who aren't afraid in those situations; it's like they're broken. Those are the people who still have stapler wounds from when they were kids.

I wonder if--OW!

I think my biggest fear is hearing other people's quotes on fear.

"You know a lot more people die in car accidents than they do on planes."

Sweet, thanks! Now I'm scared of two things, but at least I feel stupid because my rational mind can't seem to control my goddamn emotions. C'mon, let's make a list of everything else that's dangerous.

"You know, there's nothing to fear, but fear itself."

Yeah, that's called recursion and that would lead to infinite fear, so thank you.

Fear comes from the reptilian part of your brain which isn't exactly known for its subtlety. Kind of like turning a stereo off with a baseball bat. Not exactly delicate.

It's left over from a time when things were a little more straightforward.

Bigger than me? Check. Fangs? Check. Run like hell.

That's why I'm scared of dogs; we domesticated an animal that can kill us.

"You know they're just as afraid of you as you are of them."

Sweet! We're both controlled by the same massive irrational emotion.

C'mere, terrified dog. Let's play fetch.

[Loud whisper] You're not helping.

Then evolution comes along and gives us a rational mind: the ability to conceive of the future and play out scenarios in our minds. But they ran out of wires and the machinery's all gummed up. We're not afraid of all kinds of things we should be, but we are afraid of things like commitment and karaoke.

That reptilian head pops up in the weirdest places.

When I was young, I was afraid of being different than everyone else. Now I'm afraid of being the same.

"Just imagine everyone naked."

[Annoyed] Who came up with that?

My rational mind came with a present: fear of death.

"You should confront your fears."

What, by dying?

Some people try and pound their fears into submission, try anything to make those thoughts go away. But I say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep close tabs on that bastard, and go to every party it invites you to. If you lose sight of it, it can turn into regret, and that is something to fear.

I'm afraid right now, of what comes next.

"Imagine that naked." Shut up!

I'm afraid of all the "couldabins," they're growing stronger every day. This show has lots of couldabins. And someday I'll have to take 'em out behind the shed and shoot 'em.

It coulda been a show about cooking, or had like a whole bunch of interviews and stuff. Or cool guest celebrities doing random segments on things like the weather.

John Hodgman Well, as you can see, the wind is howling here. It's extremely uncomfortable for everyone else...and, including me. And also, the weather today is that, uh, it is Brooklyn. This is what it's like all the time, so stay away. I'm going to warm up in this tanning salon. [Clears throat, rings a doorbell] Hello? Thank you. Goodnight.

This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy


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