the show: 03-28-06

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(the commentary: 03-28-06)


It's Tuesday March twenty-eighth. Grab a parka and a Slim Jim. It's cold inside 'cause somebody left the door open and knowledge got out. Let's go find it.

My day began in the Seacrest Resort, in the town of Falmouth, Cape Cod.

If I didn't know that I was in Cape Cod, and someone beamed me down into the middle of Falmouth, I'd think: "how the hell'd you beam me down into the middle of Falmouth? I didn't know you could do that. That's so cool."

In the middle of the night, I fondled the curves and crevices of this lamp trying to find a button-like object to twist or push in order to turn it on.

This scenario reminds me of something else...

Then I spent some quiet time in the airport with some other, seasoned travelers.

(Footage of "seasoned travelers" laughing intelligibly)

On the airplane I realized that even if I survived a water landing, I'd spent hours in the water with my face pressed against a cushion that had come in contact with thousands of asses.

(more "seasoned travelers")

In Skymall magazine, I came across this: the world's largest crossword puzzle. The perfect gift if you're shopping for the world's largest loser.

Meooow. Meooow.

["Street Ze"] Andrew Card, the president's Chief of Staff, resigned today and will be replaced by Joshua 'badass' Bolton, who's the current budget director for the admistration.

Not exactly "new blood". Not exactly new anything really. And why do they need blood?

President Bush has been holding informal meetings with reporters, provided that they don't describe those meetings to the public.

I like my press to withhold data. Impartialicious.

You're a dirty lamp, aren't you. It's time for a shower, dirty lamp.

The silly French are protesting again and je ne understand why pas.

A memo releeeeeased in the UK details conversation that President Bush and Blair had on January 31st, 2003.

The president even contemplated assassinating Saddam Hussein or [caption: "PLANE?"] disguising a US plane as a UN plane to draw fire, GulfofTonkin.

Although certain points of the memo make it appear as though Bush might have been lying to the public, it isn't technically lying because… terrorist?

US intelligence agencies put a whole bunch of Iraqi documents online, hoping to unleash the power of the web. These must be very important documents!

A senior intelligence officer says "our view is there's nothing in here that changes what we know today" and goes on to say that the database includes a fair amount of forgeries sold by Iraqi hustlers, or concocted by Iraqis who opposed Mr Hussein.

Translations of these documents have been circulating on conservative blogs as proof of WMDs.

Open-source propaganda? Not so, says representative Peter Hoekstra, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. "People today ought to be able to have a closer look in Saddam's regime," Mr Hoekstra said.

Ooooh. Can we try that over here?

[Post-it note: "Bush peed on mah cat"] This reporter found documents in need of translation as well. [Post-it note: "Dick Cheney is a lesbeen"]


The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to legalize the eleven million undocumented workers living in the United States. If they're undocumented, how do we know how many there are?

Google is our dear and glorious leader.

Undercover Congressional investigators smuggled enough radioactive material into the United States to make two dirty bombs. In the test they bought a small amount of radioactive material, and smuggled it into the United States through Canada and Mexico in a truck.

Bought‽ That's the problem! The technology worked, the alarms went off, but the border agents let 'em through anyway.

If people make the final decisions, let's invest in education, not technology.

Google is our dear and glorious leader.

(cut-up) Frank think This is Ze have to. ing so you don't



The cat at 1m 07s is the one that is not Annie.

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