the show: 03-29-06

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(the commentary: 03-29-06)

Transcript

Wednesday, March 29th. It's "buy some new socks" day, don't forget to throw out the old. You're my favorite, pucker up, and let's suck on the nipples of truth.

The first solar eclipse since 2003 could be seen from Brazil all the way to Mongolia. Many people in the country of Ghana said that the phenomenon bolstered their faith. The scientific explanation of a solar eclipse is that the dark horses of the apocalypse gather on the surface of the sun to collect fire and brimstone that will eventually pummel and sear the flesh of the unbelievers.

The New York Times reports that the new chief of staff, Joshua Bruster Bolton, may be an insider, but he's still one hip cat. Bolton plays bass in a weekend band called "The Compassionates," a name which he changed to "Deficit Attention Disorder" at a show for 500 of his employees. (laughs) Get it? Because he was, like, the budget director, and didn't pay attention to the deficit. Wait, wait, wait, it also makes fuh-- makes fun of people with a mental problem. (laughs)

Clinging to the belief that a few angry lawyers can take on the world, The Motion Picture Association of America is suing BitTorrent rather than researching technologies and revenue streams that could replace the fifteen-year-old DVD. If you don't have BitTorrent, download it now and watch the I.T. Crowd, Little Britain, or the original versions of The Office.

Supreme Court Roundup!

Justice Scalia may be getting old, but at least he's losing his mind. Supreme Court Justice Scalia was at a special mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross when a reporter asked him what he thinks of critics that question him over impartiality when it comes to issues of separating church and state. Scalia replied, "You know what I say to those people?" and he gave them the finger. Classy.

Google's company motto is "Don't be evil" which is quite different than "Don't do evil." The mega-search company, which has access to massive amounts of our personal information, accidentally deleted its main official blog today. Google has hired top lobbyists in Washington in order to, quote, "stake out an agenda that is really about promoting the open internet as a revolutionary platform." Washington? Man you guys used to be cool. Now you're just narcs.

The immigration issue heats up, the guest worker bill will only pass through if a minority of Republicans who control the Senate join the Democrats.

Illegal immigration happens because life is perceived to be better in the United States. One long term solution is to lower the living standards here until no one wants to come. This could be achieved by weakening health care, education, raising the deficit and taking away basic civil liberties… (smiling) …wait a second!

The Sleep Foundation released a study that finds that US adolescents are seriously sleep deprived. Jodie Mindel, the co-chair of the foundation "Sleep & Teen Task Force" says, "Sending students to school without enough sleep is like sending them to school without breakfast." Especially if you, like, eat sleep for breakfast.

Researchers from the University of Chicago have found that loneliness increases the risk of hypertension saying, quote, "the take home message is that feelings of loneliness is a health risk, and that the lonelier you are, the higher your blood pressure." Lonely people everywhere can now… be more depressed.

Research by me shows that people that send me emails saying that I have to much time on my hands are desperately unfulfilled and need a big hug.

Drug tests for a whole city? The Bush administration launched a pilot program testing pee-pee and ca-ca wastewater for cocaine in Fairfax county. It's unclear whether White House waste will be included in the study.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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