the show: 03-31-06

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(the commentary: 03-31-06)

Transcript

(sings) Happy birthday. To me.

It's Friday, March 31st. Grab a tissue, somebody punched truth in the nose and it's bleeding knowledge. The new ten dollar bills suck, I miss Johnny Quest and Hadji. (blows out single candle on birthday cupcake) I didn't tell people at Starbucks that it was my birthday. (scoffs).

(Inside Starbucks, Ze's telling the staff that it's his birthday.)

Many of you have written me emails asking "how can I tell if my dog's on fire?" Sports Racer has a few tips. First, if your dog has been playing with other dogs who're on fire, there's a good chance that yours might be as well. Still concerned? Here's a tip, take your dog to the darkest room in the house and stand between it and a blank wall, if you cast a shadow, your dog might be on fire.

Condoleezza Rice today visits England, a country who knows a thing or two about occupying third-world countries. Speaking on Iraq, she said "I know we've made tactical errors, thousands of them, I'm sure."

Thousands.

Speaking on the recent Bahrain boat tragedy, Ms. Rice said that the United States is, quote unquote, "lending whatever assistance we can." Given the current budget deficit and the war on Iraq, that assistance amounts to $3.52 and a pack of NASCAR brand hot dogs.

(Ze, looking sad, bites into cupcake.)

The New York Times reports that African-Americans are steadily gaining access to the internet. Southern conservatives called for the creation of parallel suburban-net to which they can flee.

On the internet, today someone posted a huge collection of something you never thought would be collected. Visitors went to the site, got the point and promptly left. Elsewhere on the web a group of people formed a social community around an activity you think is lame. Everyone in this community is having more sex than you.

If you thought I was kidding, there they are. NASCAR hot dogs.

Local news from my face reports I have a painful zit on my nose. This show is sponsored by no one.

The immigration battle heated up when a group of House conservatives criticized President Bush's guest worker program. Although both sides of the aisle have called for a civil debate, neither has said about whether it has to be intelligent or not. Jumping on that opportunity, Representative Virgil Good of Virginia said "I say if you are here illegally and want to fly the Mexican flag, go to Mexico and wave the American flag." (looks at camera and raises eyebrows).

Not to be outdone, Representative Rohrabacher from California dismissed arguments that the United States needs a pool of foreign workers, saying, quote, "let the prisoners pick the fruits. We can do it without bringing in millions of foreigners."

Not to be out done, Dana Rohrabacher rebberr… Representative Rohrabacher from Calipornia… Not to be outdone… (laughs)

The Journal of Science found, despite popular mythology, children may not be the main culprits in spreading the flu.

(Ignorant Ze): I knew that. It's not the kids, it's the immigrants!

The human body is like a very convoluted donut with a long complicated tube running from your mouth to your butthole. When you kiss someone you're forming one long tube with buttholes on either end.

(Starbucks guy) Happy birthday, buddy!

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

References

Nascar hot dogs on boingboing.

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