the show: 04-03-06

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(the commentary: 04-03-06)

Transcript

(sings) You can't throw, I can't catch so let's just roll the ball...

Monday April third, good morning Sports Racers. LDI is called "let's do it." I'm thinking about you right now.

Researchers from the University of California in San Fransisco and the University of Victoria in British Columbia have found that moderate drinking may not help prevent heart disease, as has been previously shown. Bummer.

The researchers found that in past studies, the non-drinking control group was not asked about their personal history or why they stopped drinking. (whisper) It was just assumed they were nerds.

Why believe in science if it kicks you when you're down? Researchers at the University of South Florida have found that nicotine gum may undermine chemotherapy in lung cancer patients. Bummer.

At least sex is safe. Are you itchy? (commiserating) Scratch.

Last week, President Bush assured Americans that immigrants in the guest worker program would only take jobs that Americans didn't want. Responding to the President's remarks, The Washington Post ran a story this weekend about one of those jobs entitled "Dispatch From a Sheepherders' Camp: The Job No Americans Want Isn't Getting Any Easier."

(questioning the pronunciation): Sheep-herding. Shepherding? Sheep-- Sheep-herding.

The article goes on to say "from late March until fall, sheepherding is almost unbearably lonely. Each herder is driven deep into the pastures for weeks on end. He sees no one but the boss." (nodding) No but the boss and the sheep. And the loneliness. And the sheep.

From Reuters, researchers said on Saturday they had transformed immature cells from men's testicles into powerful stem cells, which then were coaxed into becoming nerve, heart, and bone cells. Science is one step closer to creating the perfect ball boy. Sorry, that's all I could think of.

The Washington Post reports that US Intelligence experts believe that Iran would respond to US military strikes by deploying intelligence operatives and Hezbollah teams to carry out terrorist attacks worldwide. President Bush says that he is pursuing diplomatic solutions to the crisis which based on a memo last week most likely means that he's picked a date to start bombing.

CNN.com reports that Australia has agreed to sell uranium to China. (Singsong voice) Someone looks happy.

(sung) Condoleezza (spoken) and cute and cuddly Jack Straw made a surprise visit to Baghdad this weekend. Rice and Straw are working on the transition of blame program which helps British and US citizens who supported the war blame the newly formed Iraqi government before questioning the validity of the original military operation.

Rice called the situation a political vacuum, saying "it's true the country has been accustomed to dealing with problems through violence, through coercion, and through oppression. Now they have to do it through politics." And violence. And coercion. And oppression.

In an effort to sure-up presidential possibilities, Senator John McCain has patched things up with Christian conservative, Jerry Falwell.

I knew those guys would work it out.

On Meet The Press, McCain said that Christian conservatives have a major role to play in the Republican party, but added "I don't have to agree with everything they stand for." And they don't gotta vote for your ass.

Last week, regarding Iraq, Condoleezza Rice said "I know we've made tactical errors, thousands of them, I'm sure." Over the weekend, she clarified this remark, saying, quote, "first of all, I meant it figuratively, not literally. Let me very clear about that. I wasn't sitting around counting." Uh… why not? Seems like knowing what mistakes you made would be kinda, I dunno, important?

A study in the latest pediatrics journal finds that obese children have difficulty fitting into car safety seats.

(groaning) Oh god.

In the world of knitting blogs, thousands of men and women continue to produce clothing for make-believe people who like ill-fitting, scratchy caps, sweaters and socks. Causing some concern is proliferation of knitting porn, most commonly seen as disembodied feet wearing heavy wool socks…

(turned on voice) Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

…and close-up pictures of the yarn itself, which bears a striking resemblance of the centerfold in High Times.

Knitting blogs include the popular too much wool, needles on fire, and yarn harlot. (raises eyebrows).

And nothing else happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

(sketchy voice) Mmm… socks.

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