the show: 04-12-06

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(the commentary: 04-12-06)


Good morning sports racers it's Wednesday April twelfth grab a match knowledge made a number two and didn't light the incense. I'll take the plunge if you be the plunger, let's get flushing.

Having trouble making friends? Here's Sportsracer with some Tuesday tips, one day late. Don't tell your potential friends or po-friends about your dreams, unless you can do it in three sentences or less, and it involves people you both know who are making out. Remember listening to someone's dreams is like looking at their photographs: it's not fun unless you're in them. Also, don't give advice to your po-friends in the following areas:

  • how to use any automated kiosk
  • choosing songs from a jukebox
  • what shot to make during a pool game
  • anything related to the bathroom
  • how to parallel-park (men only)
  • techniques in weight-training
  • how to get ketchup out of a newly opened bottle
  • and, quieting a baby.

Follow these tips and you can kiss the po in your friend goodbye.

The New York Times Reports that Randy Olson, a Harvard trained evolutionary biologist, has made a film called "Flock of Dodos" about creationism's cousin, intelligent design. In his film, Randy challenges scientists to get off their collective high horse and make their case to ordinary people, with plain speak and humor.

This reporter has a challenge for science as well: let's come up with scientific names for genitalia that are fun to say. That way when we're referring to them we don't have to use common first names like Dick, or nicknames for cats or chickens. For example: huffamagina, paypay, testaculars, clotomoloris, or the vuvvle.

On May 29th, 2003, President Bush proclaimed that two small trailers captured by US and Kurdish troops had turned out to be the long sought mobile biological laboratories. He declared, "We have found the weapons of mass destruction." The Washington Post reports that two days prior to that statement on May 27th, 2003, leaders of a Pentagon-sponsored mission transmitted their unanimous findings to Washington. The findings stated that the trailers had nothing to do with biological weaponry.

You did a bad thing!

In a related fairy tale, a boy cried "wolf" when there wasn't one. Then one day North Korea had nuclear weapons.

This week, Bush dismissed reports of plans for a military attack against Iran as "wild speculation." Speculation is what people do when they have no access to real information.

Yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld said that he would not engage in "fantasy-land speculation." He went on to say that "its just simply not useful to get into fantasy land."

Oh, I believe it is. I would like to invade this fantasy land of which you speak and enslave its three-breasted women and dogs who pee chocolate.

Lou Dobbs's earlobes are trying escape down the side of his face after years of listening to the crap that comes out of his mouth.

Ruth Malhotra, a student, is suing the Georgia Institute of Technology over a ban on speech that puts-down others because of their sexual orientation. Malhotra says her Christian faith compells her to speak-out against homosexuality, and she's demanding that Georgia Tech revoke its tolerance policy.

I'm with you, Ruth. I bet Jesus would've gotten in on some good gay-bashing.

Today I'm going to watch the New York Yankees perform in a sports competition called "baseball." People of all ages races and sizes come together to not talk and watch very wealthy immigrants throw balls at or near each other. If I wanna say, "I appreciate the way you caught that ball while diving and threw it to your team-mate sixty feet away," I'll say: "aaoo! wooo! yeeoo! weeoo! aoooo!" They'll understand.

And that's it for the day. Go Yankees. This is Ze Frank thinking so you don't have to.


First late Tuesday tip.


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