the show: 04-13-06

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(the commentary: 04-13-06)

Transcript

(On his cell phone) Hello? But-but-but-! Yep! Right, right. W-w-well- Yeah, yeah. Right-right, right. Ha ha! No-no-no, no, no-no-no, no. But-but-but-but- Right-right, right. But-but-but-but- Uunnnhhh . . . 'Kay! Bye.

Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Thursday, April 13, Try a B-Beverage That You Haven't Tried Yet Doday, don't drink knowledge with a straw, 'cause you get all messed up.

(Moans and rubs his face in slow motion.)

You know I do this for you, not those people. They're not our kind of people. They don't get it.

Grrdttdrrdtdt!

Strangers are people we don't need anything from! If you need something from a stranger, you have to give them something in exchange, or you have to make them feel sorry for you. That's why, when a stranger borrows your cell phone, they act stupid so you'll take pity on them.

What . . . I just press these buttons, or . . . And then how do you get it to talk? Which button?

Yes, it's a very difficult cell phone to use. It hasn't been the same since I dropped it in the toilet.

When someone borrows your phone, it's polite to listen in on the conversation, and when your phone is handed back to you, immediately hit "Redial" and make a prank call.

During a White House briefing with spokesman Scott McClellan, a reporter said, quote, "the President said earlier, just in talking about the rest of his presidency, that he intends to charge hard in his final two and a half years." Mr. McClellan responded, quote, "Absolutely. He's a Hard Charger."

I did not know the President was a Hard Charger. Hard Chargers aren't even in The League of Awesomeness. They have no love for Sports Racers.

In Wired news, a former AT&T employee, Mark Klein, reports that AT&T build a secret room in its San Francisco switching station that funnels Internet traffic data from AT&T WorldNet dialup customers and traffic from AT&T's massive Internet backbone to the NSA.

(Singing) AT&T is the government's bitch.

(Wags his tongue around.)

Google and EarthLink will be providing free wi-fi to San Francisco and will be able to track users' locations. Today Google announced the release of Google Calendar. Now, not only will they know everything that you are doing, but everything that you plan to do as well.

Google is my dear and glorious leader. Google is my dear and glorious leader.

Hide your keg, put your shirt on, and run out the back door, the MySpace cops are here. MySpace hired former federal prosecutor Hemanshu Nigam to oversee safety education and privacy programs. To oversee the more than sixty-eight million members, he's likely to have to rely heavily on the website's swelling ranks of deputies. Awesome! Narcs! MySpace users have long been awaiting the day that they get their mini version of the NSA.

(Singing) Somethin' from the neighborhood!

Someone in my neighborhood doesn't know how to use a payphone. They keep writing the name of the person they're trying to call above the phone. They even tried writing it in different fonts and colors. The right way to use a payphone is to stick your finger into the finger hole. With your finger safely in the hole, speak into the talk slot. Drip! Drip!

And that's all that happened today, at least as far as you care. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

(On his cell phone) 'Kay! Bye.

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