the show: 04-14-06

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(the commentary: 04-14-06)

Transcript

Easter bunny, Easter bunny, who's your da-da?

It's Friday, April 14, it's been thirty days since I stopped smoking, and knowledge is sick of the gum.

I'd like to share this humorous anecdote with you. For years, I've been going to the same Starbucks and I always get the same thing: a grande half-caf. So today I went in, and I ordered my regular. It turned out that the barista had never seen me before, so he got me a regular coffee! Ha ha ha! Kill me! Ha! Kill me! Ha ha ha ha ha! Kill me now!

(Takes a drink of coffee.)

Retired Army major general John Bautista became the sixth general to call for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation, saying that he believes the defense secretary violated the principles of war-planning and in no way considered what it would take to win the peace. Six! That's a lot of generals!

Tubby little bunny Scott McClellan said that the President believes that Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a very fine job during a challenging period in our nation's history. The secretary has led the Department of Defense during two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. You're right! Why should he resign? I mean, Afghanistan's like, pffffff, and Iraq! I mean, pfffff.

Meanwhile in Iraq, more than sixty-five thousand people have fled their homes and are now living in refugee camps. Ahh, camp. I always enjoyed camp as a boy. Archery, horseback riding, finding a wood tick on my Balzac.

Balzac was a famous French writer, like Gene-Paul Satyr, or Michelle Fucko.

Psychopharmacologist David Nutt — hee! His name's "Nutt"! — of the University of Bristol in the U.K. announced that it would be possible to create a cocktail of drugs that mimics the pleasurable effects of alcohol without the downsides. The drug would eliminate long-term alcohol-related problems, such as cirrhosis of the liver, and would not include psychological effects such as aggression, nausea, loss of coordination, and amnesia. Wait, I thought those were the pleasurable effects.

CNN.com reports that hundreds of gay and lesbian parents will line up this evening to make sure they get tickets for Monday's White House Easter egg roll. It's expected that Monday's event will be the gayest White House Easter egg roll in history, despite efforts, which have included a petting zoo and White House staff members dressed as bunnies.

(Burps, shakes face and makes noise. Smiles, contorts face, belches, makes reverse-puckering noise.)

Iran has agreed to increase cooperation with the U.N. nuclear watchdog, the International Atomic Energy Agency, even though it won't commit to halting its uranium enrichment program. The director of the IAEA, General ElBaradei, has said that he does not think that the issue of enrichment is urgent, and U.S. intelligence maintains that Iran remains years away from obtaining materials and technology necessary for a nuclear weapon.

Despite Iran's cooperation with the IAEA, Condoleeza Rice said yesterday that Iran continues to defy international demands and that there will have to be some consequences and that defiance.

Iran continues to pretend that it has nuclear capabilities because it figures that's the only reason we haven't bombed the shit out of North Korea.

S-s-s-something from the Comments! Jason roughly writes, "some days knowledge makes me breathe deeply and rapidly release air in my lungs many times over. The sound I make is 'ha ha ha, ha ha ha." Jason, that's a good sign. It means that you're letting me think so you don't have to. Evolution has made sure that certain things necessary for your survival feel good while you're doing them. Just like taking a poop or having sex, thinking is something you would never do if it didn't feel good. Eeuugh, genitals.

But here's the catch: only good thinking makes you feel good. And just like good sex, good thinking is not that easy to find. That's why I do it for you. Each of these good feelings has its own name and sound. In the case of pooping, it's the butt chills. Nnnngngngngngn! In the case of sex, it's the orgasm. Aaahahhhh little duckies! And in the case of thinking, it's called laughter. Try not to confuse these sounds with their corresponding feelings. For example, making an orgasm sound on the toilet or laughing during sex is a cultural faux pas.

On Wednesday, America Online apparently began blocking the delivery of E-mails containing a petition against AOL's upcoming certified mail program. AOL spokesman Nicholas Graham said on Thursday, quote, "We discovered the issue early this morning, and our Postmaster and Mail Operations Team started working to identify this software glitch. "Glitch"? Just because you're the government's bitch doesn't mean you have to start acting like 'em.

And that's all that happened today, have an excellent weekend, this is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

Yes, no, I this is, yes no I this is.

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